Tag Archives: Zelda’s Absurd Agonies

Look who died this year! 2012

Every year people die.  They are either killed by a cancer, a car, a bear (I didn’t kill my husband) choking on sick, overdose or toaster.  It can be sad for some people when this happens to a member of their family.  Others may rejoice at the fatality of a friend or member of the family as the person that has died was molesting them or something.  I am now going to list a few famous people who have died.

http://prettytallstyle.com/birkof/5993 Bob Holness - he presented a show called Blockbusters.  That was it.  He had grey hair and was friendly to people.  In Blockbusters you picked a letter from a board and the question would then be related to the letter.  An ongoing joke was when people picked the letter ‘p’ because the contestant would say “Can I have a P please Bob?” and the audience would laugh, Bob would laugh and I would pick up my television and scream “No! Stop the fucking laughing!  It is a fucking letter!  If the contestant said, Hey Bob can I do a fucking shit and piss up your arse? THEN I would understand why the audience laughed!  Fuck you Blockbusters!  Fuck you Bob!” but in hindsight I was perhaps over reacting.

dating same age Whitney Houston - a scanky drug addled singer.  She was found dead in a hotel bath tub.  She was so full of cocaine that when the medical crew lifted her body she started spraying cocaine clouds everywhere that resulted in the medical crew overdosing and falling into the bath.  The hotel had to be destroyed but that resulted in a global warming in some parts of Japan.

dating san francisco entitled women Frank Carson - A delightful Irish fella.  He would laugh his god damn head off at his own jokes. I have nothing more to say about this man.  One of the rare few people who I respected.  Also, he was not a pedophile, which is always good.

como empezar a conocer un chico Robin Gibb  - one of the testicle-less singers from the Bee Gees.  He was famous for getting really fucking angry on stage and slapping a roadie for no reason.  That roadie was none other than Donald Trump.  He sued RObin and that was the beginning of the Trump world domination that has not happened.

facebook login in france Neil Armstrong - Ironically, Neil had the weakest arm in show business.  This lunatic claimed that he had been to the moon, when we all know that NOBODY has been to the moon.  Even people who reckon they can see the flag with a telescope from Earth are fucking lying.  All they can see is swamp gas.  Neil, who had been to Spain, was a real party guy, who would fuck up every house he partied in.  His death-bed had to be condemned after it was found to be full of prostitutes, beer, and fireworks.

http://h2epod.com/ Terry Nutkins - What a guy, Nutkins was a fucking legend.  He was bald, but let the remaining rim of hair, that he had around the back and sides of his head, to grow like a massive fur coat.  He was on the Really Wild Show a kids program that exposed the dark and strange world of chimps and giraffes.  Nutkins trademark saying was “Ever fuck a chimp?” Nutkins never fucked a chimp, but he did have a shit load of women in his time.  Really nice ones too.  So  nice that even I, a red-blooded female, would probably have a pop at.

http://www.paperiandco.com/mikidis/4657 Sir Patrick Moore - Better known as the Games Master.  Pat’s big lumbering fucking head would appear and he would instruct a retarded child on how they could get past a level on Mario, get infinite lives on CJ’s Elephant Antics on the C64 (type in hairyrseholes) or both be the same character on Streetfighter 2 on the Snes (Down R, Up L, Y, B, X, A).  Pat also liked space and did a little program on the BBC about darkness.

There have been loads of other people who died who are a bit famous, but these are my favourite ones.  Now that they are dead they no longer have to watch their planet turn into a big spinning pile of airheaded fuckwits, spoiled teenage cunts, Facebook fakes, crime hungry twats and dreamless soulless unimaginative shades of beige, brown and cream.

Rest in peace.  And you living people, make the world better, slap anyone you see that is very fat and is wearing leggings.  Throw a brick at a person who is wearing a tracksuit and clearly doesn’t do sport.

x

MEAT clown – terrifying video!

My wonderful friends at MEAT clown are churning out high quality, low-end priced, fucking awesome meat, MEAT and MEaT products to the world and beyond, every God damn day!!

Did you know that  MEAT clown are able to sell their top quality MEAT at such low prices because they can?  Well, now you know. 

Their meat is perfect for ALL occasions, bitches!

Folks coming around to tell you they have AIDs and you need a cut of BEEF? 
Dad’s been killed in a road traffic accident and you need chicken toes? 
Brother arrested for putting his cock on a cat (I mean grafting it on there) and you need battered hooves? 
Grandmother is trying to  finger your butt and you need salmon calves?
You have just scraped the remains of your neighbours head off the back wheel of your caravan and you need pork tits?

Go to MEAT clown!

Keep up to date with MEAT clown her comment is here here

and shit your tiny thong-like pants by watching this video!

Twilight – review

Please kill me… please for the love of all that is holy!

Grrr!!! Fucking Vampire!!!  RAAAAR!!!! Here I am, I am gonna fucking kill you!!!!  I am about to pick out your urethra and thread it through your sodding nipples, and wear it like a neck ornament!!!  I am an undead, soulless creature, primed to kill and slash people to pieces and eat their mother-fucking blood!!!!  Taking your husbands ribs, I am going to impale all of your children and slow roast them with some rosemary and a cranberry sauce!!

I am a vampire and that shit is what I do.

Not in twilight though.  Nah, I am gonna prance about and kiss my deformed, depressed, dickhead of a wench and be all pale and ugly at the same time. 

Unbelievable as it may seem, I fell for the Twilight phenomenon back in the day.  Not as obsessively as the majority of my female brethren  but enough to say that I was ALMOST a fan.  The thing that got in the way for me was that I hated everything about Twilight.
 
I didn’t bother with the books and jumped straight into watching the movie.

The film starts off with a girl named Isabella ‘Bellend’ Stinkers (otherwise known as Bella) and she drags her buckled, warped, distorted head to a town full of inbreds.  It’s where her father likes to live and be a police man. 

Bella goes to school and watches a bunch of Albino’s called the Cullens as they drift around in slow motion around the school not burning in the sunlight like a vampire should.  One day, during biology, Bella sits next to one of the Cullens, an equally as deformed fella named Edward.  As soon as his eyes meet her flesh, he pukes, shits and runs from the class crying and being very emotional. 
“Oh, I hear that he was once caught filling a duck with batters” says a friend of Bella.
“I don’t care, I just want his balls against my massive bush,” says the Bella, giving her star the all-star treatment.

I also wish to be finished off. I eat cocain every morning but it is not finishing me quick enough.

Nothing happens for ages and then, one day, Bella is in the car park and is nearly run over by a drunk teacher in a van.  Edward fucking Ninjas it across the car park and does a power-slam into the side of the van with his fist before running away crying again.  Why they couldn’t find a better looking man to play Edward I will never know.  Seriously.  Mickey Rourke would have been perfect.           

Bella rubs the side of the van, a glowing fist imprint pulsing back at her. 
                “Fucking hell, I would like to feel that fist in me,” she says, her hands in her knickers again.  She runs after Edward but he grabs her shoulders, tears splashing down his face, and tells her that he is dangerous and that she should keep away.  Bella seems to be getting off on being repeatedly slammed against the wall and she begins to burp erratically.  Not erotically.

 Nothing happens for ages and then Bella finds a potion in the glove box of her father’s police car.  This potion turns out to be coke.  And the Coke turns out to be Pepsi.  After drinking the potion Bella suddenly realises that Edward is vampire.
                “Nice!” shouts Bella, “fucking love vampires and their balls!
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella and Edward get together and fall in love.  In a story later on the two end up having a baby! But that is a spoiler.  Um… Edward kind of glows and then introduces the pervert to his undead family of dwarves.  Ricky, Duncan, Boiler, Scatter, Gugglebints and Liftoff.  An internal monologue is played as Bella’s pig-eyes drink in each of the dwarves:

Ricky, – mmm, I want to put milk on his hips…

Duncan – I could grow hay on the back of his fuck sacks…

Boiler – Her boobs are like Lost Highways…

Scatter – I would plug in a wireless adapter and stream ring tones off her afterbirth…

Gugglebints – I want to put a mattress on him, lay on it, and look at Neptune through toilet roll tubes…

Liftoff – I will make you gay, and not in a homosexual way…

This vampire is not in the film. I wish it was. We all wish it was.

This scene goes on for about an hour before some bad vampires turn up.  They are not really bad, they are just being ‘proper’ vampires.  Vampires that eat human blood and not animal blood like the vampire dwarf family.  The sad thing is, however, that they have turned up in an incredibly exciting scene where Bella and the family are playing golf together. 

The bad vampires Punk Bella into thinking that her stupid mother is being help hostage and when she turns up to rescue her mum she is immediately captured and kicked in the fucking ugly head!  One of the bad vampires bites Bella’s wrist and recoils in disgust.
                “Smells like bad vagina!” he shouts.
                “Don’t stop biting me!” screams Bella.  “I am only just warming up down there!”
The front of Bella’s combats inflate and deflate like hyperactive bellows on some sort of speed type drug.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and for no reason at all, the Cullens turn up and kill all the bad vampires.  Edward sucks the vampire juice from Bella and she begins to dabble.  She collapses and is taken to hospital where she has a bone transplant in her abdomen.  When Bella goes back to school the following day she dances with Edward and begins to remember her previous life.  Her life a policeman named Alex J Murphy….

Then nothing happens.

I am neither here nor their with this movie.  I would not watch this in a box with a fox.

What the hell is this thing?

Watch twilight if you like: 

Rubbish vampires
Unrealistic romance
No ninjas
Rabid dogs
Nothing happening in a movie until the last 10 minutes
Prancing through a forest
No action
Ball games

I give this film about 14.three teeth out of 24.nickel

image source Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: meilleurs sites de rencontres Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

Guinea Pig (series) (1&5) – review

Continuing with what I started last week I bring you another two Guinea Pig Movie reviews.  If you are too lazy to read the previous two reviews or do not know what the Guinea Pig movies are then fuck you.  Stop being lazy.  Go here and read the other two reviews!  Christ on a bike, what is it with kids today?

As you know, I am doing these reviews in the order that I watched these gorgeous movies all those shitting years ago.  Next in the trusty VHS was a terrible copy of….

It’s always a good idea for a new dentist to practice on eyeballs before moving onto delicate teeth!

The Devils Experiment – (Gin? Piggu: Akuma no Jikken) – part 1 of the series

Before I continue, I just want to warn you that I am ill.  I feel like shit.  I have the female equivalent of man flu and I am writing this with such lethargy and hatred.  I would rather be in bed than complete this but I would just lay there sweating and screaming… alone… my loins freezing over like so much old lasagna.

When it comes to wonderful ‘snuff horror’ this is as close as it gets.  And, like the version of Flower of Flesh and Blood that I had, this version had NO subtitles and was of such bad quality it felt like I was witnessing something truly awful.

Out of all of the series, The Devils Experiment is the sickest and most ‘pointless’ of them all.  The story is that a young woman is kidnapped by some fucking mental blokes who subject her to some graphic torture with the aim of observing the human body’s pain and agony threshold.

Kept in a net that is just hanging from some trees, the woman is kicked and beaten repeatedly for fucking ages before being returned to her comfortable net.  As a gift to her ears she is bound and has sounds played into her ears at a volume louder than six meters!  She basically starts to juice at the mouth at this point.  Probably with hunger.  Next her flesh is clamped and twisted on her arm.  Boiling water is tipped onto her.  Finger nails pulled off… um…Maggots and or worms are put on her before the fucking graphic and one of the most difficult to watch scenes ever is directed into us… a needle is pushed through her flesh just under her eye… it is continuously pushed until blood begins to flow from around her eyeball, eventually the needle exits THROUGH her eyeball.

 When I first saw this I was shocked and starving.  I ate pickled onions.

 Although not as graphic when it comes to gore, this film is at a level of shock which set the bar very high for the first part of the series.  This sick fucking bar is never topped with ANY of the other episodes of the series.

 I give this fucker 12 hands full of sloppy guts out of 13.  It’s NASTY shit.

 Here is the trailer for the film… pretty much shows the ‘money shot’

WARNING REALLY GRAPHIC AND PROBABLY TOO GRAPHIC IF YOU ARE REALLY INTO CHURCH!!!!!
 

He Never Dies – (Gin? Piggu: Senritsu! Shinanai otoko) – part 5 of the series

After watching the Devils Experiment I felt a little odd.  Among the tapes that had arrived with the series of Guinea Pig movies was ‘The making of’.  I was tempted to watch this just to see how the effects were achieved as these movies were before the days of CGI or Play Dough, and I wanted to set my cracked mind at ease that I hadn’t seen a real snuff movie.

Instead of the making of video I went right onto He Never Dies, expecting to see another torture movies but featuring a pointless man for once!  My fingers crossed, then double crossed in anticipation of seeing some scrotal destruction.  Anubis was out that day.

He Never Dies is a comedy.  Yep, a fucking comedy!  No subtitles here and, unlike the other two movies, they were really needed for this one to really get any sense out of what the fuck was going on. 

A man who hates life cuts himself.  Nothing happens.  He bleeds but he doesn’t die! He cuts his hand off and… nope, still having a great time.  I think he hates his life because his girlfriend left him, or because his balls are stolen and made into tiny little bean bags for Japanese field mice.  It was either one of them that pushed him over the edge. The tiny edge.

The immortal bloke realises that Christopher Lambert is going to kill him eventually so invites a bloke from work to his house.  The bloke, Rick, is only too happy to be invited to The Immortals house but when he gets there he gets some guts chucked at him.  The Immortal has stuck a ruler in his own head and then goes and stands by a wall before pulling all of his own guts out.  He somehow cuts his own head off and jokes and sings from a table.  With his head being chopped off and him still being alive Christopher Lambert kills himself.

I am surprised that this has not been picked up for a remake by Welsh people.

I give this film a suicide attempt out of life.

Watch these bastard-fests with your mum and children if you like:

Kidnapped women kept in a net
Women being spun on an office chair until they foam
Eye pokes
Maggots
Comedy
Suicide
Japanese people
No pizza delivery

Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

Guinea Pig (series) (2&4) – review

Perfect movies for the WHOLE family!

Small, fluffy and sounding like midget R2D2s, guinea pigs are an amazing animal.  Did you know they have been known to lift less than a 3rd of their own body weight?  It was once reported that back in the 1988s that a boy was raised by a cluster of guinea pigs.  Once the boy reached the tender age of seven they devoured him and shit on his skeleton.  Like I said, amazing.

 While we are on the subject of Guinea Pigs I thought it would be a special treat to review a series of films that exposed me to the weird and wonderful world of Japanese gore and their ‘no boundaries’ approach to horror.

 I am taking us back to 1990.  I am sat in my living room clutching a package sent to me from a man I have never met.  The paper comes away in my gloved hands like vodka on a slipstream.  I dissolve the bubble wrap with my heat vision and rescue four high quality video cassettes from flames.  These tapes contained the complete Guinea Pig film series, a series of films that I had only heard about in whispers… in dreams… in conversations with friends.  This series of films started our very small all-girl horror movie nights…

The series is a set of short films depicting gore to the highest level.  No CGI in these fuckers too, which is nice to see.  I don’t care how fucking good CGI gets, you can’t beat ‘real’ blood and hacked limbs.  These films had it all, comedy, sci-fi, horror, romance, and mermaids.

The versions that I had of these movies at the time were unsubtitled but this didn’t really make much difference with a few of the films as dialogue was not important or needed.

For your pleasure here are my reviews of the first two I watched of the series.  I will do the rest when I fucking feel like it!

 

Tumulu does all of my artwork using pus of seven colors

Mermaid in a Manhole – (Za Gin? Piggu: Manh?ru no naka no Ningyo) – part 4 of the series

The first film I watched of the series was ‘Mermaid in a Manhole’ a fucking crazy film about an artist who is have a shit time because his wife is dead.  One day, as he is taking a little stroll through a sewer he spots a mermaid.  He used to pop down to the sewer and play with faeces as a child and had even encountered this aquatic merbitch back then.  Now, on this special day of celebration, he feels overjoyed at seeing this creature lying in piss.  Turns out that the mermaid is not well, so he takes her home.  Not sure how he does it.  He just does.

The mermaid gets all these blister things all over her, and he starts using the pus to paint a lovely picture of her.  Overtime she starts getting more and more blisters, her eye comes out, maggots and worms or something come out of her mouth, but the artist just continues to paint.  Then he goes fucking mental and chops the mermaid up.  Movie ends with the guy sitting very pleased with the fucking mess he has made.  Among all of this mess is a foetus. 

I give this entry in to the guinea pig series a 7 maggots out of 11

 

“Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?”

Flower of Flesh and Blood – (Gin? Piggu: Chiniku no Hana) – part 2 of the series

Feeling all warm and fluffy as a result of Mermaid in a Manhole, I then moved onto Flower of Flesh and Blood.  This is one of if not THE most notorious of this wonderful Disney collection.  A woman, enjoying a brisk walk through a street, gets herself caught by a bloke armed with a handkerchief laced with that ever popular drink, chloroform. 

Luckily, when the girl wakes up, she has been tied to a bed by the man, who is now wearing some sort of samurai hat.  Again, no subtitles on this for me so god knows what this gentleman was saying.  From here there is no story.  The fella chops the woman up in close up detail.. and it is the detail that makes this such a delight.  I mean, when he cuts her hand off the fingers curl slightly around his hand.  The bone is broken so he can get those all important limbs off.  And throughout all of it the woman is alive.  I think she is happy.  Once satisfied with the limb removal, the samurai then disembowlels the woman and removed her eye… which he then puts in his mouth.  And, just to finish off, he chops her head off, which flies of in slow motion and fucking POWs into a wall.  Arousing!

I have since seen it on DVD and the clarity kind of spoilt the film for me.  The video I had was a few generations old and the grain covered much of the detail, but also covered some of the more rubbery looking parts of the limbs.  The ‘story’ ends with a nice slow pan of the samurai’s house, decorated in a festive manner with the limbs and body parts of other people.  He then sets off to get more decorations.

 I give this one 10 maggots out of 11!

 Watch both of these films back to back if you like:

A large amount of blood
Mermaids and blood
Juices
Eyes being taken out and sucked
No plots
Maggots
Worms being puked up
Pus
Distortion

Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

 

 

Cannibal Holocaust – review

MMM! Chorizo time!!!!!

If things were not going right for me in my current career, one of the other careers that I always considered was being a cannibal.  Chewing on some faces, cutting heads.  Luring a nice, buff, bewildered guy back to my pad and then just gnawing on their elbow or shin as they kiss the underside of my boobies!  That’s some hot erotic shit!

Talking of hot erotic shit and cannibals… Now, this movie is another one of those movies that I managed to get back in the heyday of video nasties and the UK being protected by video watchdog organisations.  I was so excited the day the video arrived.  The kind fella that sent it to me also added a copy of Cannibal Ferox too!  It was such a great day of rape, animal killings and total cock cutting action it remains in my fond sack (located in the area I am sure I should have some sort of eye, or nose) forever!

The first thing that jumps out about this touching Disney classic is the music at the start.  Nice and dreamy with an aerial shot of a big fucking wood… or forest… rain forest?  I dunno, but there are fucking trees everywhere and some rivers.  Some bloke is leading a rescue team to a remote wooded area in the hope of finding some missing documentary film makers that vanished half an hour earlier.
“I wonder where they are?” says the man leading the expedition.
“I don’t know,” says the other man.
“Hope they haven’t been killed by cannibals,” says the man leading the expedition.
“That would be frightful,” says the other man.

The man with the beard watches, convinced that the tribesman in front of him is wearing a wig.

The man leading the expedition gets his cock out and jumps into a river.  As a result, the cannibal tribe accept him as one of their own.  As a reward he is taken to an area which has a beautiful shrine in it and a pile of bones.  American bones!  The fucking bones of the missing documentary film makers!!!  The guy swaps a tape recorded for reels of film that the cannibal tribe are holding and he quickly flaps his arms all the way back to the town of America.  Not before he eats part of a humans eye socket as part of a ritual.  Once he has gone, the tribe all start blogging about the day’s events.

 A white guy came and left us with a tape recorder, begins one blog entry for the chief of the tribe.  He took his penis out and went in a river.  One of the other members of the tribe touched it.  I think I will get a McDonalds breakfast tomorrow.  Double sausage and egg McDuffie.

The movie gets real interesting from now on as we get to see the footage that was shot by the documentary guys.  First up a massive turtle, huge fucking thing, is cracked open like a pie, it’s head chopped off along with its legs and anything else that moves.  And it’s for real.  Not even a play dough animal!  And this is what pissed a lot of people off.  The animal deaths.  The same pissed off people would be chomping on bit of dead pig in a bit of bread, or a fucking turtle on a twig.  To me these people complaining are just jealous of the animals fame from starring in such a notorious film.  Dicks.

Pedro… the documentary teams guide goes and get’s himself poisoned in the legs and armpits by a tiny little snake.  A team of medical professional midgets run in and just chop the fuck out of his leg and throw it at a tree.  Pedro dies.  The team then trap a bunch of cannibals in a hut and then burn it to the ground, all the while filming this for their project. 

Work experience kid here having a go at some heart surgery. It's quite complicated.

As a special treat for their hard work, the male members of the documentary team decide to rape a tribes girl.  She is not impressed with this, nor is the female member of the documentary team. 
“Hey, stop that!” says the tribes girl.
“Nearly done,” says the man.
Then as a special treat for the tribes girl they impale her… although we don’t see this happen, we just see her impaled with the spike going up her butt and coming out of her mouth.

One of the documentary makers then gets caught by the tribe and is hacked apart.  His body, just before the hacking, becoming a large flesh coloured cube, almost play dough-like in it’s consistency.  His cockle is also slashed off and used as a piercing for one of the excited cannibals. The female documentary maker gets raped and her head is slashed off.  Then the other documentary bloke gets killed.

The whole thing is broadcast to the world a few days later but under the title – The day it all went wrong for the documentary makers who went and saw some cannibals or something.

The film ends with a blog entry from the chief stating – They all laughed at me when I asked for a McDuffie.  I am going to go there tomorrow and eat their stupid chav fucking faces! 

A great film and often looked at as the ORIGINAL Blair Witch… although, these days, everyone is more likely to have seen Paranormal Activity – not Blair Witch – and would quote Cannibal Holocaust as being the original Paranormal Activity.  I actually see it as the original Lady and the Tramp

Watch this film if you really like:
Cannibals
Castration
Monkeys getting their head smashed open
Tribal rape
People being decapitated
Dismemberment
Some funky fucking toooons!

I give this movie a kick to a pig and a two shootings to its body!

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

 

Childs Play – review

Andy was not sure about his new step father.

“What is it mummy?” shouts an excited little brat of a child named Andy.  His mother, tired after selling her body on the streets, waddling through the door, her vagina a scene of total destruction, not unlike a slab of decaying road kill.
“It isn’t groceries, Andy,” she says, still smiling, despite her vaginal agony.  Vagony.

 One of my favourite, heart-warming scenes from Childs Play.

Brad Dourif, is on the run desperately looking for a movie where he plays a nice character instead of a freak or bad guy.  Hot on his heels is the vampire from the original version of Fright Night.  Brad runs into a toy shop (no amulet – important to keep in mind for the later movies) and gets shot like a dickhead.  Just before he dies he says a string of random nonsense whilst gripping a Good Guy Doll.  A massive play dough beam of lightning strikes the toy shop destroying the whole building, but just adding comedy-style blackness to some of the Good Guy Doll boxes.

The next day, Andy Barclay, an 8 year old little twat of a kid wants a Good Guy Doll.  He has the Good Guy Sneakers, the fucking Good Guy Jigsaw, the Good Guy cereal (made from children’s crystallized tears) and now the little son-of-a-whore wants to get an ACTUAL Good Guy Doll.  He begs his mother who is desperately trying to scrape money together for clothes and food for herself, but feels compelled to spend every penny she has on her son.  This makes no sense to me.  Children make NO sense to me.
                Andy’s mum, after servicing some homeless guy, manages to get her hands on the upgraded version of the Good Guy Doll.  The homeless guy had found it in the wreckage of the toy shop, during a search for plastic food.
                “This one has the soul of a serial killer!” screams the homeless guy, as he pulls his soiled trousers back up and hands the doll to Andy’s mother.  She dries her lips and runs home crying, not before trying to earn a few more bucks.

This does not happen in the movie, there is no giant Chucky, nor does the building get superpowers.

                Andy is over the moon with the doll that his mum has got him and, as she has managed to scrape together so much money, Andy’s mum treats herself to a night out.  Meanwhile, Andy is left with his mum’s friend, Peggatha,  who immediately starts throwing popcorn at a fan.  Andy, and his doll, who has introduced himself as Chucky got to bed to consummate their boy and doll friendship.  Not long after, Peggatha gets smacked in the fucking head with a hammer and goes flying out the apartment window.  As Andy and his mum live on the 143rd floor of the apartment, she makes quite a noise when she hits a van on the streets below.  The police turn up and start asking Andy what happened because there are Good Guy Sneaker prints around the crime scene and they match Andy’s.  They are not his though, they are Chucky’s obviously.

                A few days later, Andy’s mum is worried that perhaps the doll is alive and that her son, Andy, is not just retarded and having some sort of early mental breakdown.  She picks up the doll opens it’s ass and finds that there are no batteries inside it’s anal cavity.
                “I am going to put you in a blender!” she screams.
                The doll suddenly turns to play dough and starts kicking it’s legs screaming and calling her a bitch before running off and killing a black man.  The same black man who had taught Chucky how he could transfer his soul from his body. 

Chucky discovers that if he stays in the doll’s body for too long he will become stuck in that form.  Now faced with this sticky situation, Chucky decides to transfer his soul into Andy, and become a shitty little brat.  Riding a unicorn, Chucky arrives back at Andy’s apartment and does a massive kung-fu kick on the front door.  Nothing happens.  Chucky, his face a mix of play dough and cheep special effects, changes his expression ever so slightly before trying again.  This time he manages to get in through the door, but not without becoming dependant on painkillers.

Andy gets smacked to the skull with a baseball bat, and when he wakes up, Chucky is on his chest saying magic words.  Andy headbuts the doll in the jaw, and picks it up by the throat.
                “You fucking cunt!  You fucked with the wrong 8 year old!  Or should I say, the wrong TRANSFORMER!”  It’s Megatron!  There is the sound of transformation echoing around the room and Chucky falls backwards into a lit fire as a disgusting mass of bones, veins and muscle drop to the floor in a crude attempt at being a gun.
                Andy’s mum runs into the room and sees the mess before choking to death on some afro hair.  Chucky bursts into flames and Megatron fires some guts at him to finishing him off.  The transformation sound begins again, and Andy is stood looking down at the charred remains of Chucky.  Only Andy is looking fucking well messed up.  The transition into a human wasn’t easy for Megatron in the first place, but transforming into a gun fucked him up further.  In absolute agony, Andy begins to scream before running ‘hulk-style’ through the streets, leaving bloody footprints everywhere! 

After watching Child’s play I felt compelled to try to kill a child, not before dripping my soul into a doll.  Amazing how influential this movie is.  Since this film has been released it has been the cause of nearly EVERY single MURDER in the whole world!  Even that Middle East stuff.

I fucking love this film!

Watch it if you like:

Got to love free wigs.

Good Guy branded goods
Hobos without shotguns
Stripey clothes
Killings with a hammer
Terrible child actors
Midgets being dolls
ALOT of ginger hair
Freckles
A man being a doll that wants to enter a boy 

I give this foamy film a 32 out of inches!

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

Nightbreed – review

Uh oh, Decker's nan is not going to be pleased when she sees two over her best buttons gone.

Booone!!!!! Shouts Dirk Lylesberg a strange looking fella with rows of eyes cascading down his cheeks like dirty lighthouse windows.  If he were to cry, the eyes at the top would be triumphant in filling the lower levelled eyes with the tears.  This is terrible, as these lower level eyes would have already enough to contend with with their own fucking tears.  Fuck you top level eyes.  Bastards! 

Nightbreed, a bit of a cult movie and a firm favourite of mine.  I found out about this movie from my copies of Commodore Format, a porno mag filled with pictures of Commodore 64 games and a naked Lionel Richie.  There was an article on a computer game version of Nightbreed, along with pictures of the monsters that were going to be in it.  The moment I saw the fat fucker of a creature, with it’s head in the middle of it’s body, and it’s grumpy face, I fell in love.  My heart was fluttering in a manner which reminded me of a father’s head desperately bobbing for apples in the vain attempt of saving their family from being milked and treated like cows by criminals.

Boone, a man with impeccable hair, shitty brown eyes and a jaw the size of a fucking draw bridge, is convinced he is killing people.  He keeps having shitty nightmares where he is crazy-mad-evil, but it aint him.  Nope, it is his psychiatrist, Decker, that is doing the killing.  Decker hates people because his penis is so small.  To help Boone along with the story of Nightbreed, Decker gives him some hallucinogenic.  Next thing we know, Boone is cruising the streets in holding rusty handles, screaming at the shadow his foot casts, and pissing on windows.  ANY window satisfies his wee-wee lust.  Then he gets fucking smacked by a bus, goes to hospital, meets a guy who cuts his own freakin scalp off and heads off in search of a magical place called Midian. 

This game loaded up twice on my C64. The rest of the times I sat for fucking hours for the game to load and it never did!

Midian is full of monsters.  Bloody loads of the twats!  EVERYWHERE.  Boone gets chased by some pink, lobster-lion-man called Peloquin and a moon-headed fella named Kinski.  Peloquin chews Boone’s shoulder, sucking it and putting a thumb up Boone’s anus at the same time. 
“Meat for the beast?” says Peloquin.  “Beast for the meat?”
Avoiding the awkward thumbing scenario  from developing further, Boone runs off, out of Midian but then gets shot to fuck by loads of police.  God damn Decker had told the cops that he was sure he saw Boone take a gun out of his socks, but it was his mistake.  Boone is dead… Or is he?  Well?  NO!  Boone, runs out of the morgue and heads back to Midian where he is now accepted as a monster.  Everyone starts dancing and gyrating.  Glow sticks are pulled out, sparklers are spun around like gay magic wands and much beer is downed.  Everything is looking great but then Decker turns up with a bunch of police and rednecks.
“I am scared!” say all of the Nightbreed, even though they have powers!
“We can do this!” shouts Boone, his face now covered in lines, his anger levels increased slightly, meaning that he is a bit stronger.
A bunch of monsters called Berserkers are released, who go on to rip the heads off some policemen and a few fucking rednecks.  I love rednecks.  
“ARGH!  My delightful skull!” shouts one of the men as he is literally pulped to the point you don’t know where he ends and the ground begins.
“BOOOONE!!!!” Shouts Lylesberg, but then dies.
EVERYTHING in Midian gets destroyed, leaving fuck all.  Most of the monsters are dead so they all go to live in a barn.

A fantastic dark fairytale, perfect for when you get a person into your crib for some love.  Can someone tell me what that feels like? 

I saw this once with my own eyes.  Mental.Watch this film if you like:

Monsters
Blue men with snakes coming out of their belly
Families being stabbed by a mask wearing lunatic
Playdough flying with sharp teeth
prophecies
A film that ends with a barn
Priests getting their hair burnt off

The one thing that does come across with this movie is that it is a bit choppy, and the reason for this is that over an hour of cool shit was cut out of it.  There is a cluster of fans, such as myself, that desperately want to see a full version of this movie.  Do you want to see a full Barker mix of this movie?  Click HERE and sign the petition!!  Head to Occupy Midian and join them too!!

 I give this 5 of Lylesberg’s eyes out of 6 of Lylesberg’s eyes.

Did this make you smile, or laugh, or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda

Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x