Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep, riveting, well executed piece of celluloid art. This extraordinary film opens with Stalone, Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason. Fucking guns are going off all over the place, like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.
Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying. In fact, I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way, these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.
Snipes, rescued via Stalone’s chopper, goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on. He stabs some people in the belly and forehead, and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out. BANG!! fucking place blows up, but this ain’t no ordinary explosion, no, this is an Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes. Meanwhile, as the continent explodes, Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.
Suddenly, SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain. He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost, the whitest thing you could EVER imagine.
During a gun fight earlier, giant black guy from Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned coma. Stalone feels terrible, tells his buddies to fuck off, and, with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies. There’s girl fighter, man, knife boy and someone else. I don’t care. They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.
Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting. Desperado has joined them too! So now we have Arnie, Desperado, Jet Li, Lundgren, Indiana Jones, Stalone, ?, Cockney and Snipes! ALL of them off to capture Mel Gibson. The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory, Stalone groaning NO screen time for Lundgren, NO karate from Jet Li, Cockney being bald, ? wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen, Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone, who talked in reverse burps.
The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money, no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.
I give this film a 3 out of 8.4
Watch this movie if you like:
- Cockney being all cockney
- Hair that changes colour
- Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
- Mel Gibson only getting six lines
- Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
- No lens flare
- So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour
Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books. There is a link somewhere on this site.