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Dickheads are everywhere!

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Cover your fucking chest, dickhead! We girls don’t wanna see your fluffy chest pubes!

Dickheads are everywhere!  They live in houses near to you.  They lurk among your social circle.  You can see them walking down the street.  The annoying sons of bitches are even among your family.  Maybe YOU are a dickhead!  I’m not.

Dickheads.

 Dickheads are different to dicks.  Dicks are the sort of people who are scathing and annoying.  Nobody likes them.  They are arrogant.  They are dicks.  No there is a big difference between dicks and dickheads, and right now I am talking about dickheads.

The words pretentious and attention seeking summarise them pretty well.  They are guy and girls that can’t quite decide whether they are living in the 70s, 80s or 90s… even bits of the 60s are in there!  They are alternative.  Nothing wrong with being alternative but fucking pace yourself.  Take it easy.  No need to shove it down everyone’s throats. 

“Look at me! Look at me!! I am SOOO fucking fashionable by being unfashionable!” Dickhead.

They are easy to spot.  Both the male and the female version of this annoying killable beast.  Places like Urban Outfitters tend to be a rutting ground for them.  Their quiffs, their sockless feet stuffed into pie-crust shoes, their really, REALLY thick rimmed glasses (which they do not need), their vintage jacket seven sizes too small for them.  These things disgust me when combined.

Back in the good old days of Blur and Oasis, there was a massive increase in retro types all drifting around with the smell of a pensioners house emanating from their clothes.  Hair was fashioned into a Lego style and flared trousers were the way to go.  Fake accents were splurging from their lips.  These were not dickheads.  These were the ingredients.  These were the left nutt. 
Much later the Indie sound morphed and became mainstream.  It was no longer indie and as things mixed and blended 80s shit got mixed in.  Synth became ‘cool’ along with ‘8-bit’ chip sounding stuff.  This was muddled up with the indie look.  Next add a bobble hat with massive earmuffs.  A dickhead is born.

Pink shirts on guys, trilbys on girls, trousers so tight that they will sterilise both sexes, classic rock shirts on people who don’t like rock, dressing like a geek but not being one (nothing wrong with being a geek for real).  Dickheads.  Blokes with plunging v-necks that almost reach their naval, exposing their birdcage chest.  Dickheads!

What is the god damn point in wearing JUST frames. Right now I am wearing lensless contact lenses…

Any person that you see walking down the street that is dressed like a fucking lost property box that has not been emptied since the 60s AND has exploded all over them deserves to be ignored.  Yes, ignore them.  They WANT you to look at them and go, “Oh, I wish I had the courage to wear those delightful threads.”  I know we are not thinking this at all BUT dickheads are totally fucking ignorant to their surroundings.  They actually believe that they are the second coming of Christ and the worst thing that you can do in both scenarios is to look away or break wind near them.

If you are unfortunate enough to have a dickhead in your social circle then you know that you are not as great as them.  You picked up a copy of the latest album by a band you really like!  WELL Dickhead has a ltd edition signed version that was only made available for 32 seconds.  Would have been much nicer if the dickhead was to join in the conversation  that you were having instead defeating  you in a battle you didn’t know you were having.

As I write this, a dickhead has literally just walked past me.  He was wearing skin-tight jeans, a blue dog-tooth suit jacket WITH blue shiny elbow patches.  His wafer thin upper body is clothed with a red, white and blue shirt.  His hair was thick and air-blowed back into a colossal ‘bike helmet’ and as he walked he actually put a little ‘bob’ in his step so that the hair moved like a punchable brown cloud.  Fucking dickhead.

Ignore the dickhead. IGNORE THEM! They feed like vampires from your annoyed attention.

Still, if my vagina only had one go left in it I would probably let him take a shot whilst I whispered into his ear (if I can reach it under that bouffant) “you are a dickhead and your penis feels like a dead worm.”

I am not a dickhead for writing this but perhaps I am a dick.  I don’t care though because the only person in this scenario that I am going to offend is a dickhead.  Fuck you dickhead. 

This video and song sums it all up perfectly.  See how many of these apply to you.

Guinea Pig (series) (1&5) – review

Continuing with what I started last week I bring you another two Guinea Pig Movie reviews.  If you are too lazy to read the previous two reviews or do not know what the Guinea Pig movies are then fuck you.  Stop being lazy.  Go here and read the other two reviews!  Christ on a bike, what is it with kids today?

As you know, I am doing these reviews in the order that I watched these gorgeous movies all those shitting years ago.  Next in the trusty VHS was a terrible copy of….

It’s always a good idea for a new dentist to practice on eyeballs before moving onto delicate teeth!

o aura rencontre pokemon The Devils Experiment – (Gin? Piggu: Akuma no Jikken) – part 1 of the series

Before I continue, I just want to warn you that I am ill.  I feel like shit.  I have the female equivalent of man flu and I am writing this with such lethargy and hatred.  I would rather be in bed than complete this but I would just lay there sweating and screaming… alone… my loins freezing over like so much old lasagna.

When it comes to wonderful ‘snuff horror’ this is as close as it gets.  And, like the version of Flower of Flesh and Blood that I had, this version had NO subtitles and was of such bad quality it felt like I was witnessing something truly awful.

Out of all of the series, The Devils Experiment is the sickest and most ‘pointless’ of them all.  The story is that a young woman is kidnapped by some fucking mental blokes who subject her to some graphic torture with the aim of observing the human body’s pain and agony threshold.

Kept in a net that is just hanging from some trees, the woman is kicked and beaten repeatedly for fucking ages before being returned to her comfortable net.  As a gift to her ears she is bound and has sounds played into her ears at a volume louder than six meters!  She basically starts to juice at the mouth at this point.  Probably with hunger.  Next her flesh is clamped and twisted on her arm.  Boiling water is tipped onto her.  Finger nails pulled off… um…Maggots and or worms are put on her before the fucking graphic and one of the most difficult to watch scenes ever is directed into us… a needle is pushed through her flesh just under her eye… it is continuously pushed until blood begins to flow from around her eyeball, eventually the needle exits THROUGH her eyeball.

 When I first saw this I was shocked and starving.  I ate pickled onions.

 Although not as graphic when it comes to gore, this film is at a level of shock which set the bar very high for the first part of the series.  This sick fucking bar is never topped with ANY of the other episodes of the series.

 I give this fucker 12 hands full of sloppy guts out of 13.  It’s NASTY shit.

 Here is the trailer for the film… pretty much shows the ‘money shot’

premiГЁre rencontre avec une fille WARNING REALLY GRAPHIC AND PROBABLY TOO GRAPHIC IF YOU ARE REALLY INTO CHURCH!!!!!
 

http://tzv-gredelj.hr/marionetka/481 He Never Dies – (Gin? Piggu: Senritsu! Shinanai otoko) – part 5 of the series

After watching the Devils Experiment I felt a little odd.  Among the tapes that had arrived with the series of Guinea Pig movies was ‘The making of’.  I was tempted to watch this just to see how the effects were achieved as these movies were before the days of CGI or Play Dough, and I wanted to set my cracked mind at ease that I hadn’t seen a real snuff movie.

Instead of the making of video I went right onto He Never Dies, expecting to see another torture movies but featuring a pointless man for once!  My fingers crossed, then double crossed in anticipation of seeing some scrotal destruction.  Anubis was out that day.

He Never Dies is a comedy.  Yep, a fucking comedy!  No subtitles here and, unlike the other two movies, they were really needed for this one to really get any sense out of what the fuck was going on. 

A man who hates life cuts himself.  Nothing happens.  He bleeds but he doesn’t die! He cuts his hand off and… nope, still having a great time.  I think he hates his life because his girlfriend left him, or because his balls are stolen and made into tiny little bean bags for Japanese field mice.  It was either one of them that pushed him over the edge. The tiny edge.

The immortal bloke realises that Christopher Lambert is going to kill him eventually so invites a bloke from work to his house.  The bloke, Rick, is only too happy to be invited to The Immortals house but when he gets there he gets some guts chucked at him.  The Immortal has stuck a ruler in his own head and then goes and stands by a wall before pulling all of his own guts out.  He somehow cuts his own head off and jokes and sings from a table.  With his head being chopped off and him still being alive Christopher Lambert kills himself.

I am surprised that this has not been picked up for a remake by Welsh people.

I give this film a suicide attempt out of life.

Watch these bastard-fests with your mum and children if you like:

Kidnapped women kept in a net
Women being spun on an office chair until they foam
Eye pokes
Maggots
Comedy
Suicide
Japanese people
No pizza delivery

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Guts of a Virgin – review

 

mmm, nice teeth, no underbite. Perfect.

Back in the days of my youth there was no internet.  Nope.  No internet.  DVDs and CDs were nothing more than crazy talk.  It was all about the cassette (video or… tapeo) or vinyl.  Although I didn’t do much vinyl.

Through my interest in all that was disturbing I became an avid collector of extreme horror, and this was a time when it was so much more rewarding.  Video cassettes being swapped via mail, groups/clubs set up where nobody ever met in person, instead communication was made through Newsletters and epic video lists.  If a film was banned I HAD to see it!

These days it is much easier, laws have laxed a little in the UK and, if a film is cut due to the sensitivity of a UK dweller you can order uncut versions via Amazon, or any other online retailer.  Even films like Cannibal holocaust or Cannibal Ferox can be ordered, sent out and in a UK humans hands within a few days.  I still collect horror from around the world, the more extreme, the more interested I am in it.  There are still films out there that are NOT available via your everyday average mail order website and these are fun to hunt out and find.

Being all freaking Japanese or something, the words that the overly animated idiots were saying made NO sense at all!  Fucking Japaning at each other like there was no tomorrow.  The first time I managed to get my hands on this film it DIDN’T have any fucking subtitles…. but do you know something… it made no difference.  Even years later, when I picked up a DVD copy of this film, the subtitles didn’t add anything to this fuck up of a film.

The film starts off with some women getting pictures taken by some Japanese man.  He is doing some sex at her and seems happy enough.  There is multiple close-ups of knickers.  This happens throughout the ENTIRE film.  So, that would keep knicker loving MEN happy.  Us women had to put up with a few shots of Y-Fronts.  Y-Fronts with not much going on behind them…

Classic snapshot of The Hulkster and Rowdy Roddy Piper in battle.

So, a bunch of photographers go with a bunch of female models to a cabin and they all do sex.  One of the best scenes in the movie though is when, for NO reason at all, one of the men starts to wrestle one of the models.  I don’t mean a bit of bending and play fighting.  Nope.  He proper wrestles her.  Pile driver, fucking body slams, clothes-line, tombstone, fucking haymaker punch to the chops.  Then, the woman starts pissing all through her pants and blacks out…

Meanwhile, there is a man going around that is covered in stinking brown mud and has a massive penis, complete with realist mushroom-tip.  I think he is a man.  Well, it is never explained.  And his penis is about the size of an average torso.

This well endowed thing proceeds to just kill everyone with such compassion I was crying.  It was like Madam Butterfly, something that I have not seen.  He smashes a bloke in the head with a hammer, his head quickly becoming nothing more than a lump of play dough, his eye flying out before a torrent of blood pours out.  Fucking heads are ripped off.  A woman, using a severed arm ‘feeds the pony’ if you know what I mean… The mud-penis man then pulls her guts out of her vagina, ruining her mood.

A woman, that ended up instantly fully pregnant after having sex with the giant penis then stand on a mountain and is intrigued by the thing that is inside her.

 

Nice shirt. Looks like it is made of a nice fabric. Silk?

I enjoyed this film, probably because I like Duran Duran and it reminded me of the Girls on Film video.  Also because I like guts.

Watch this film if you like:
Loads of long soft core stuff
Pants and knickers
A penis monster
A van hitting a penis monster
Cameras
A girl being wrestled for some reason
 A movie that is also known as Entrails of a Virgin

I give this movie a massive Penis out of a torn vagina – or 4

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