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Zelda Halopile in the woods

Update – CTRMYI? /Videos and Kobalt/my failed date/Absurd Agonies

check it out Zelda Halopile in the woodsChrist on a fucking bike, how fucking warm is it?!  I am used to heat but this is taking the piss.  Roll on winter.

dating dna daddy's watching Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Is jerking along at a satisfactory speed.  Currently I am just coming to the end of a tale involving dating website houston tx Patrick Jean-Luc Piccard Stewart and his life.  dating in san diego for asian men reddit where From his humble beginnings of being raised by a cow, to how tea helped him secure a role as the captain of The Enterprise.

Recently I completed a section about buy Viagra 130 mg in Kansas City Missouri Rick Moranis and the time he spent frauen aus mallorca kennenlernen hunting bigfoot, after the creature killed two men in the woods… terra jole dating it had pulled their leg skin off like flesh-trousers.

Yeah, so that’s going good, still on schedule, the plan being that the very first ‘rough as fuck’ cut of the book will be done by the end of August.

Zelda Halopile - black magic?  Different magic.My friend Mr Klown, Kobalt the Klown, has helped me out with a few teaser advertisement videos.  He is a nice Klown and can just appear in your house whenever he wants.  That’s the perk of being Kobalt the Klown.  Check out his videos and keep your eyes peeled (PEEL THOSE FUCKING EYES!) for a few advertisements that I will be putting up soon, featuring the material Kobalt made for me.  Thanks Kobalt.  Thobalt.

The Proof Reader, the one that they call Jake, he is busy looking at the work of a few friends of mine.  I would say it is a side project but that wouldn’t be totally true.  Let’s just say that if you want to find out a little more about my origins then go and take a look at Karl and Toms work and their upcoming book sites de rencontre en angleterre Absurdica

Other stuff… well, I am taking my sweet time bitches.  I am in no rush to commit to anything right now.  I have a few ideas and I want to print out some labels and stickers etc and stick them all around the city, but there is no rush for that, is there?

I am still single.  Went on a date quite recently with a man and it was nothing short of a disaster.  He collected me from a pre-arranged place (back of a church) and we went to a chip shop to a meal.  Me – a battered burger, chips, curry sauce and a 2 litre of cola  Him – half a chicken, chips, gravy, peas (fuck you peas) and an Um Bongo.  We got our selected venue for the evening, a bus stop, and he fell off the bench and got gravy on my tits.  I, obviously, became enraged, even more than usual thanks to a heavy period, and punched his jaw.  He had to go to hospital to get stitches. Any single men out there that feel they are able to handle the baggage that naturally comes with a mask wearing, trans-dimensional, time-travelling, non-existent, witch/author then please contact me.

Zelda Halopile maskedAbsurd Agonies, my first book, is going in for a re-edit before being made available on Amazon.  That’s when I feel like it.

All that is left for me to say is:

Be Absurd, be yourself, do not conform, do not be non-conformist just to conform to a bunch of ‘alternative conformists’.  You are not a sheep.  You are a person.  Nobody knows what goes on in your head.  Your perceptions and reality are different to every single person in the universe.  Enjoy being Absurd, being different.  Do not give a shit what other’s think.  You are not theirs to judge and remember that they are not yours to judge.


And so,the website is complete

Zelda HalopileIt took a few weeks of work with my friend, but the website is complete!  I am very pleased with how it looks and glad to be shot of the shit that had started to build up all over the place.

In the video section, there is an exclusive video that has not been made ‘public’ yet on Youtube, it marks the beginning of a much bigger video project using material from Darkly Absurd Curiosities by Tumulu and I.

Since re-evaluating the world and my projects going forward a sense of freedom has returned that had long been quashed by offers of t-shirts, badges and bleedings for my Absurd Army to grow.  I am past this.  I have a plan and a goal.  If humans choose to join me in my adventures then the experience will be rewarding, if humans don’t then it makes little difference as I will continue to write and make videos.  Off the back of removing the shackles of wanting to be popular, a new sense of confidence has returned to my writing.  The past few weeks have spawned some of the most insane, absurd, funny and offensive writing I have ever done Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? promises to be a masterpiece in crossing the line and falling waaayy below the belt.

Please take the time to look around my wonderful new website, everything has been re-written and re-jigged.  If you don’t take the time to look around then please feel free to nuzzle on my proverbial ballbag and choke yourself.  Ballbags, ugly creatures, but I imagine owning one must be so much fun.


It’s not the end of the world

And so, the world is going to end on Friday.  We have come this far only for it all to just end.  I mean, if a bunch of people from about 100 years ago say that it is so, then it MUST be so.  The world MUST be ending.
Well, fuckwit, it isn’t.  The world is not ending Friday.  This time next week the world will be here  in one magical, spinning piece, flying through space like a greased up rat in a fat man’s arse.

Amazingly though, seemingly intelligent people out there are convinced that the world is about to be destroyed thanks to a rogue planet.  The elusive planet X.  Niburu.  This planet destroying, non existent black planet was supposed to wipe out the Earht back in 2003 but amazingly that didn’t happen.  So, some fucking fruit-loop came up with a better date, 21.12.12 because that is much cooler sounding and it corresponds with the end of the Mayan calendar and the winter solstice 2012.

Similar to the fabricated shit that is on that Ancient Aliens program, the mass media only spread so much and not the WHOLE story.  What I mean is, the end of the world conspiracy of December 2012 brings in all sorts of nutbags and psychos, however, one man’s nutbag is another man’s rating/fan/follower/viewer.  And so, it is not openly explained what will happen after 21st of December 2012 when it comes to the Mayan calendar, and instead the focus is all on the calendar ENDING!  Shit!!! We are gonna die!  We are going to be crushed by a planet that popped up from behind the sun (it’s always been there, but from our position in the solar system, it always remained hidden – up until Friday the 21st, where it will slam into China) that suddenly changes it’s cause and breaks all laws of  your science and your physics.  Where I am from this CAN happen, but you are lucky and live in a great big closed off, convenient, prison-existence where EVERYTHING has to abide laws.

What the god damn news, and stupid prickish online community of conspiracy swallowing fools is failing to share or notice is that on the 22nd of December 2012 all that happens when it comes to the Mayan calendar is that another HUGE period of ‘time’ takes place.  Similar to our version of ripping the old calendar of the wall (the one with pictures of naked men from Turkey) and spitting on it before burning it, and replacing it with a new one.

Another conspiracy or prediction, slightly lesser known than the world ending on the 21/12/12, is that there are going to be a kind of universal alignment, nothing specific, some stars, planets, moons, Heaven, Jesus and Spain are all going to line up causing black-outs across the whole planet from 23-25 of December 2012.  No.  This will not happen.

You are all safe for the remainder of the year.  So go, enjoy your pathetic life, your flu, your cigarettes,  your butter supplements, your cars and your brain rottingly mundane lives of little or no worth.

Before I go, here are a list of other predictions for the end of the world that didn’t happen.

1981 – the world will suddenly do a back-flip into the sun.

1984 -  Everyone in Eskimo land will blink at the same time causing a hurricane the size of Scotland to wreck the shit out of everything.

1984 – Fat people

1985 – A cow from Jupiter will fuck Earth to pieces

1988 – Jesus will return, but he will be high on lighter fluid.  He will start firing fucking lasers at every house he can see and can’t see.

1988 – A pizza will be cooked so much it will cause three black holes.  These black holes will have a Latino feel.

1992 – Everyone forgets maths and as a result nobody can feel winter.  The planet explodes as a result.

1993 – The sun will not stop rising and will just fly off to a new planet.  Earth will be bloody freezing cold so everyone wears duffel coats.  The smell of duffel causes war.

1996 – Einstein will be discovered on the roof of Trump Towers.  He will do some mad science with an abacus and cause an explosion so big it makes the Big Bang look like a dirty vaginal queef.

1999 – Mouse

2003 – During a bout of tugging, Marilyn Manson will put a vacuum against his nipples.  This combination of tug and suck will cause a wormhole that will allow fictional spaceships to appear on Earth.  As some of them are massive Earth will be flattened.

2006 – A bunch of kids will jump on a fast moving bus and will slam into the back of it.  These same kids will jump in a lift/elevator and, as the lift is dropping, will float slightly and then slam into the ceiling.  When they step out of the lift the Earth will have flown off and they will be left in space.

2008 – Bruce Willis

2010 – The moon will melt and the gooey middle bit will cover the whole Earth and everyone will be like, ‘eww, this like so gross.’ Then Earth with fucking explode.

2012 – Magical planet will appear and slam into us at the same time as an ancient calendar will end a cycle and begin a new one and then there will be a universal alignment of some sort that will cause a black out… on a planet that has been destroyed 2 days earlier. Fucking idiots.

None of these happened/will happen.

And how can I be so sure about the latest predictions?  Because I know when the world will end.  The predictions are out of your hands.  They are in the hands of a group of people that live just outside of your reach.

Here is a song about the end of the world by the band Hed Pe