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Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Expendables 3 – review

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house.  Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

site de rencontres quebecois gratuit Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house. Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

dating japanese american guys Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep,  riveting,  well executed piece of celluloid art.  This extraordinary film opens with Stalone,  Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason.  Fucking guns are going off all over the place,  like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.

Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying.  In fact,  I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way,  these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.

Snipes,  rescued via Stalone’s chopper,  goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on.  He stabs some people in the belly and forehead,  and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out.  BANG!!  fucking place blows up,  but this ain’t no ordinary explosion,  no,  this is an additional resources Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes.  Meanwhile,  as the continent explodes,  Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.

Stalone here.  He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures.  Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Stalone here. He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures. Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Suddenly,  SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain.  He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost,  the whitest thing you could EVER  imagine.

During a gun fight earlier,  giant black guy from buy Viagra 130 mg in Honolulu Hawaii Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned comaStalone feels terrible,  tells his buddies to fuck off, and,  with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies.  There’s girl fighter,  man,  knife boy and someone else.  I don’t care.  They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.

Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting.  More hints Desperado has joined them too!  So now we have Arnie,  Desperado,  Jet Li,  Lundgren,  Indiana Jones,  Stalone, ?,  Cockney and Snipes!  ALL  of them off to capture Mel Gibson.  The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory,  Stalone groaning NO  screen time for Lundgren,  NO  karate from Jet Li,  Cockney being bald, ?  wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE  most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen,  Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone,  who talked in reverse burps.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money,  no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.

I give this film a 3 out of 8.4

Watch this movie if you like:

  • Cockney being all cockney
  • Hair that changes colour
  • Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
  • Mel Gibson only getting six lines
  • Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
  • No lens flare
  • So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour

Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books.  There is a link somewhere on this site.

Expendables – review

Blind as a bat, deaf and fat as fuck. Arnold.

I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two fucking eyes.  A movie with so many hunks in it that you could smell the god damn testosterone dripping from their man-shapes.  Such a shame that every guy in this fucking film looked like a deformed ankle.

Expendables was originally going to be called Big tough Men do a Shoot but there was already a gay porn film with this title. 

This film jumps straight into the action, no messing around.  Some bad guys have some hostages in a what I assume was a warehouse.  The bad guys have a beard, their skin is not white, and they talk in a language different to American.  Instant bad guys!  Next thing you know Stallone! Cockney! Lundgren! Black man!  Hat man! Jet Li!  Fucking Hogan! Bill!  Um… !  There are some low rumbles from Stallone and undecipherable cockney dribble from Cockney, otherwise known as Stratham!  Then a man gets blown in half, fucking top chunk of his body plumes into the wall.  Stallone rumbles again.
A hostage situation breaks out and Stallone kills over 7000 people with a pistol, whilst Stratham uses his throwing knife and kills a meagre 74.  Meanwhile, Lundgren is holding a bad guy over the edge of a platform and is about to hang him.  Jet Li does a karate chop on him right in the lip and Lundgren goes fucking apeshit. 

Stallone, covered in veins, really disgusting thick veins, rumbles towards Mickey Rourke.  The two of these completely mechanically reconstructed bitches begin to fuck like a-sexual snails.  Slime is dripping, protrusions connect, sap is extracted and re-introduced, and finally the two men roll to the ground rumbling erotically.  Stallone then gets a massive tattoo of a dolphin on his back, a dolphin with human emotions.  Looking for work, Rourke hooks Stallone up with Bruce Willis who agrees to meet the fella in a church.
                “Call me Church,” says Willis when Stallone asks for his name.
                “Knock knock!” comes a loud recognisable Austrian voice from the back of the church.  But who is this ambling in?  An obese retarded Arnold Schwarzenegger, that’s who!
                Stallone Rumbles.
                “Oh, you are old!” says Arnold.
And the jokes just role from there.  Hilarious!  The two muscle-heads rip strips of each other with some of the edgiest comedy I have ever encountered.  Check these one liners out:

Silvestur! Willirs! Rooork!

I think you are so old!
Your appearance is different!
Do you know what day it is?
Your mother and father are ugly.
You shit!
You are unable to use PayPal!
There is nothing but plastic cups in your house.
There are very faint patches of sweat in your armpits.
Rumble

Comedy fucking gold!

Arnold walks off leaving Stallone with Willis.  Willis threatens Stallone by saying that he and his men will fucking cut Stallone and his men into Cocoons if he doesn’t do what he is told.

Stratham heads home to see his woman and when he gets there she turns up at the door, her mouth covered in sperms.  They are crawling all over her face, laying little eggs.  He has a Cockney rage and runs off bawling his eyes out. 

The next day, Eric Roberts and Angel from Dexter are discussing the plans for a massive cocaine field where they can grow loads of drugs.  It’s a glorious plan with water features and an area for families to pick their own cocaine.  Heaven.  Well, it is for druggies anyway.  I personally despise drugs.  I have seen many of my friends fall into drug fuelled rages where they have gone on a shoe buying spree, crippling economies due to money-loans just for bags.  Drugs are bad.

Stallone and Stratham head to the very island where we saw Eric and Angel.  They have gone to the island pretending to be bird photographers or something.  It was a pointless part of the film.  They meet their contact, a Mexican ninja woman, and then she leads them to a compound area full of wrestlers.  Stallone rumbles like fucking mad just as a bunch of bearded ethnics turn up.  Between Stallone and Stratham, they murder a whole continent of people in about half a minute, feeling NO remorse at all.  If anything they appear to be aroused to the point of climaxation.  The Mexican ninja woman starts screaming and is dragged towards the plane that Stallone and Stratham used to get to the island.  At the last minute she escapes.

Stallone, so fucking angry at his gripless hands (the reason the girl escaped), gets the rest of the boys and flies back to the island.  Angel gets shot in the head by Eric Roberts and all hell breaks lose.  Stonecold and Hat Man fight like lions in a baseball cap, millions of innocent men, women and children are destroyed by Black Man and his shotgun, there is rape, decapitation, torture, necrophilia, scat, roman showers, snowballing, clots, and felching all in the space of 15 seconds.

Those arteries look good enough to suck!

In the end everyone dies, Stallone rumbles at the Mexican Ninja woman, and then Stratham does a shit poem.

This film is as good as tepid water.  It’s not good.  It’s not bad.  It just IS.

Watch this film if you like:

Stallone
Obvious issues with blood pressure
Muscles
Ugly men
Knifes
No plot
Rumbles
Really soft malleable humans

I give this film sponges out of 15!

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