Critters, Critters, Critters, those little mother fuckers that just want to be Gremlins. Well, you aint Gremlins you fucks, you are space hedgehogs and that’s just the way it is gonna have to be.
For those of you that are not suffering some sort of air on the brain you will have worked out that I am referring to the creatures from the film Critters. The rest of you should be put out of your misery you oxygen consuming fucks.
On some floating asteroid thing, a prison in fact, in space (duh!) there is all hell breaking lose as a bunch of tiny, shin-high, alien-criminals are being taken away for being evil and eating stuff. Suddenly, wang! They manage to escape and nick-off with a really fast spaceship that is capable of going around the WHOLE fucking universe at the speed of trout!
After about 6 hours of a special effect that makes it looks like stars are coming towards us, the alien-criminals, or Critters as we come to affectionately know them as, reach earth and land in field. Hot on the tails of these cunts are two bounty hunter aliens. One of them has no face whilst the other changes his appearance so that it looks like a cross between an 80s Bon Jovi and a deformed ginger kid.
At the farm, earlier in the day, some little kid named Brad was hanging out with a retarded guy called Charlie and they fired a catapult into the buttocks of Billy Zane’s girlfriend (the Brad’s sister). Her anus is ruptured and she is rushed into intensive care. Brad’s dad is not impressed at what has taken place and grounds Brad.
Later that night, Brad decides to climb out of his bedroom window and collect sap from the top of a tree. It is at this moment that the Critters spaceship lands in the nearby field. The front doors of the house fly off the hinges as Brad’s dad, hay hanging from his lip, chewing-tobacco in his cheek, straw hat at a jaunty angle, dungarees only buckled on one side, bottle of beer in one of his hands, shot gun in the other, runs out with his ears still ringing from the screams of his wife as he beat her in the chops for complaining about him looking at a fat woman’s tits.
“What the fuck!” he shouts and begins firing his gun into the night with no regard of passing owls or elk. He is a bad role-model for Brad.
“Hey pops,” says Brad from the tree.
“Come here, boy!”
The father and son duo head to where the spaceship landed and find a cow that has been half eaten.
“What in carbonation!” hollars Brad’s dad.
From here on the film gets a bit sketchy as its been years since I watched it. I think one of the Gremlin… Critters grows huge for some reason. A trait that doesn’t follow through into the other movies. Brad’s dad gets monged by a spine thing that one of the critters fires into him. He lays on the floor twitching, his trousers shrinking for absolutely NO reason at all.
The police turn up at Brad’s house but a fucking massive change in the gravity causes all of the policemen to turn on each other before turning on everything around them. This is all witnessed by the space bounty hunters that decide to rape the entire town and blow the farm up killing Brad and his parents.
Then the house repairs itself and Charlie the special needs guy becomes a bounty hunter, and the first thing he does is pilot the bounty hunter’s spaceship into the moon killing all of them.
Watch this film if you like:
Half a cow
I give this film twenty chomps out of a possible steak.