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Critters – review

Um… this doesn’t happen.

Critters, Critters, Critters, those little mother fuckers that just want to be Gremlins. Well, you aint Gremlins you fucks, you are space hedgehogs and that’s just the way it is gonna have to be.
For those of you that are not suffering some sort of air on the brain you will have worked out that I am referring to the creatures from the film Critters. The rest of you should be put out of your misery you oxygen consuming fucks.

 On some floating asteroid thing, a prison in fact, in space (duh!) there is all hell breaking lose as a bunch of tiny, shin-high, alien-criminals are being taken away for being evil and eating stuff. Suddenly, wang! They manage to escape and nick-off with a really fast spaceship that is capable of going around the WHOLE fucking universe at the speed of trout!
After about 6 hours of a special effect that makes it looks like stars are coming towards us, the alien-criminals, or Critters as we come to affectionately know them as, reach earth and land in field. Hot on the tails of these cunts are two bounty hunter aliens. One of them has no face whilst the other changes his appearance so that it looks like a cross between an 80s Bon Jovi and a deformed ginger kid.
At the farm, earlier in the day, some little kid named Brad was hanging out with a retarded guy called Charlie and they fired a catapult into the buttocks of Billy Zane’s girlfriend (the Brad’s sister). Her anus is ruptured and she is rushed into intensive care. Brad’s dad is not impressed at what has taken place and grounds Brad.
Later that night, Brad decides to climb out of his bedroom window and collect sap from the top of a tree. It is at this moment that the Critters spaceship lands in the nearby field. The front doors of the house fly off the hinges as Brad’s dad, hay hanging from his lip, chewing-tobacco in his cheek, straw hat at a jaunty angle, dungarees only buckled on one side, bottle of beer in one of his hands, shot gun in the other, runs out with his ears still ringing from the screams of his wife as he beat her in the chops for complaining about him looking at a fat woman’s tits.

Michael Jackson with Leo here. These were the more experimental of Jacksons cosmetic days.

“What the fuck!” he shouts and begins firing his gun into the night with no regard of passing owls or elk. He is a bad role-model for Brad.
“Hey pops,” says Brad from the tree.
“Come here, boy!”
The father and son duo head to where the spaceship landed and find a cow that has been half eaten.
“What in carbonation!” hollars Brad’s dad.
From here on the film gets a bit sketchy as its been years since I watched it. I think one of the Gremlin… Critters grows huge for some reason. A trait that doesn’t follow through into the other movies. Brad’s dad gets monged by a spine thing that one of the critters fires into him. He lays on the floor twitching, his trousers shrinking for absolutely NO reason at all.

Meanwhile, in the hospital, Brad’s sister begins to make a recovery but slips into a coma and then just dies for no reason at all.

The police turn up at Brad’s house but a fucking massive change in the gravity causes all of the policemen to turn on each other before turning on everything around them. This is all witnessed by the space bounty hunters that decide to rape the entire town and blow the farm up killing Brad and his parents.

Then the house repairs itself and Charlie the special needs guy becomes a bounty hunter, and the first thing he does is pilot the bounty hunter’s spaceship into the moon killing all of them.

Watch this film if you like:

No faces
Half a cow
Billy Zane
some trees

I give this film twenty chomps out of a possible steak.

Twilight – review

Please kill me… please for the love of all that is holy!

Grrr!!! Fucking Vampire!!!  RAAAAR!!!! Here I am, I am gonna fucking kill you!!!!  I am about to pick out your urethra and thread it through your sodding nipples, and wear it like a neck ornament!!!  I am an undead, soulless creature, primed to kill and slash people to pieces and eat their mother-fucking blood!!!!  Taking your husbands ribs, I am going to impale all of your children and slow roast them with some rosemary and a cranberry sauce!!

I am a vampire and that shit is what I do.

Not in twilight though.  Nah, I am gonna prance about and kiss my deformed, depressed, dickhead of a wench and be all pale and ugly at the same time. 

Unbelievable as it may seem, I fell for the Twilight phenomenon back in the day.  Not as obsessively as the majority of my female brethren  but enough to say that I was ALMOST a fan.  The thing that got in the way for me was that I hated everything about Twilight.
I didn’t bother with the books and jumped straight into watching the movie.

The film starts off with a girl named Isabella ‘Bellend’ Stinkers (otherwise known as Bella) and she drags her buckled, warped, distorted head to a town full of inbreds.  It’s where her father likes to live and be a police man. 

Bella goes to school and watches a bunch of Albino’s called the Cullens as they drift around in slow motion around the school not burning in the sunlight like a vampire should.  One day, during biology, Bella sits next to one of the Cullens, an equally as deformed fella named Edward.  As soon as his eyes meet her flesh, he pukes, shits and runs from the class crying and being very emotional. 
“Oh, I hear that he was once caught filling a duck with batters” says a friend of Bella.
“I don’t care, I just want his balls against my massive bush,” says the Bella, giving her star the all-star treatment.

I also wish to be finished off. I eat cocain every morning but it is not finishing me quick enough.

Nothing happens for ages and then, one day, Bella is in the car park and is nearly run over by a drunk teacher in a van.  Edward fucking Ninjas it across the car park and does a power-slam into the side of the van with his fist before running away crying again.  Why they couldn’t find a better looking man to play Edward I will never know.  Seriously.  Mickey Rourke would have been perfect.           

Bella rubs the side of the van, a glowing fist imprint pulsing back at her. 
                “Fucking hell, I would like to feel that fist in me,” she says, her hands in her knickers again.  She runs after Edward but he grabs her shoulders, tears splashing down his face, and tells her that he is dangerous and that she should keep away.  Bella seems to be getting off on being repeatedly slammed against the wall and she begins to burp erratically.  Not erotically.

 Nothing happens for ages and then Bella finds a potion in the glove box of her father’s police car.  This potion turns out to be coke.  And the Coke turns out to be Pepsi.  After drinking the potion Bella suddenly realises that Edward is vampire.
                “Nice!” shouts Bella, “fucking love vampires and their balls!
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella and Edward get together and fall in love.  In a story later on the two end up having a baby! But that is a spoiler.  Um… Edward kind of glows and then introduces the pervert to his undead family of dwarves.  Ricky, Duncan, Boiler, Scatter, Gugglebints and Liftoff.  An internal monologue is played as Bella’s pig-eyes drink in each of the dwarves:

Ricky, – mmm, I want to put milk on his hips…

Duncan – I could grow hay on the back of his fuck sacks…

Boiler – Her boobs are like Lost Highways…

Scatter – I would plug in a wireless adapter and stream ring tones off her afterbirth…

Gugglebints – I want to put a mattress on him, lay on it, and look at Neptune through toilet roll tubes…

Liftoff – I will make you gay, and not in a homosexual way…

This vampire is not in the film. I wish it was. We all wish it was.

This scene goes on for about an hour before some bad vampires turn up.  They are not really bad, they are just being ‘proper’ vampires.  Vampires that eat human blood and not animal blood like the vampire dwarf family.  The sad thing is, however, that they have turned up in an incredibly exciting scene where Bella and the family are playing golf together. 

The bad vampires Punk Bella into thinking that her stupid mother is being help hostage and when she turns up to rescue her mum she is immediately captured and kicked in the fucking ugly head!  One of the bad vampires bites Bella’s wrist and recoils in disgust.
                “Smells like bad vagina!” he shouts.
                “Don’t stop biting me!” screams Bella.  “I am only just warming up down there!”
The front of Bella’s combats inflate and deflate like hyperactive bellows on some sort of speed type drug.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and for no reason at all, the Cullens turn up and kill all the bad vampires.  Edward sucks the vampire juice from Bella and she begins to dabble.  She collapses and is taken to hospital where she has a bone transplant in her abdomen.  When Bella goes back to school the following day she dances with Edward and begins to remember her previous life.  Her life a policeman named Alex J Murphy….

Then nothing happens.

I am neither here nor their with this movie.  I would not watch this in a box with a fox.

What the hell is this thing?

Watch twilight if you like: 

Rubbish vampires
Unrealistic romance
No ninjas
Rabid dogs
Nothing happening in a movie until the last 10 minutes
Prancing through a forest
No action
Ball games

I give this film about 14.three teeth out of 24.nickel

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Zelda Halopile

Zelda Halopile in the woods

Guts of a Virgin – review


mmm, nice teeth, no underbite. Perfect.

Back in the days of my youth there was no internet.  Nope.  No internet.  DVDs and CDs were nothing more than crazy talk.  It was all about the cassette (video or… tapeo) or vinyl.  Although I didn’t do much vinyl.

Through my interest in all that was disturbing I became an avid collector of extreme horror, and this was a time when it was so much more rewarding.  Video cassettes being swapped via mail, groups/clubs set up where nobody ever met in person, instead communication was made through Newsletters and epic video lists.  If a film was banned I HAD to see it!

These days it is much easier, laws have laxed a little in the UK and, if a film is cut due to the sensitivity of a UK dweller you can order uncut versions via Amazon, or any other online retailer.  Even films like Cannibal holocaust or Cannibal Ferox can be ordered, sent out and in a UK humans hands within a few days.  I still collect horror from around the world, the more extreme, the more interested I am in it.  There are still films out there that are NOT available via your everyday average mail order website and these are fun to hunt out and find.

Being all freaking Japanese or something, the words that the overly animated idiots were saying made NO sense at all!  Fucking Japaning at each other like there was no tomorrow.  The first time I managed to get my hands on this film it DIDN’T have any fucking subtitles…. but do you know something… it made no difference.  Even years later, when I picked up a DVD copy of this film, the subtitles didn’t add anything to this fuck up of a film.

The film starts off with some women getting pictures taken by some Japanese man.  He is doing some sex at her and seems happy enough.  There is multiple close-ups of knickers.  This happens throughout the ENTIRE film.  So, that would keep knicker loving MEN happy.  Us women had to put up with a few shots of Y-Fronts.  Y-Fronts with not much going on behind them…

Classic snapshot of The Hulkster and Rowdy Roddy Piper in battle.

So, a bunch of photographers go with a bunch of female models to a cabin and they all do sex.  One of the best scenes in the movie though is when, for NO reason at all, one of the men starts to wrestle one of the models.  I don’t mean a bit of bending and play fighting.  Nope.  He proper wrestles her.  Pile driver, fucking body slams, clothes-line, tombstone, fucking haymaker punch to the chops.  Then, the woman starts pissing all through her pants and blacks out…

Meanwhile, there is a man going around that is covered in stinking brown mud and has a massive penis, complete with realist mushroom-tip.  I think he is a man.  Well, it is never explained.  And his penis is about the size of an average torso.

This well endowed thing proceeds to just kill everyone with such compassion I was crying.  It was like Madam Butterfly, something that I have not seen.  He smashes a bloke in the head with a hammer, his head quickly becoming nothing more than a lump of play dough, his eye flying out before a torrent of blood pours out.  Fucking heads are ripped off.  A woman, using a severed arm ‘feeds the pony’ if you know what I mean… The mud-penis man then pulls her guts out of her vagina, ruining her mood.

A woman, that ended up instantly fully pregnant after having sex with the giant penis then stand on a mountain and is intrigued by the thing that is inside her.


Nice shirt. Looks like it is made of a nice fabric. Silk?

I enjoyed this film, probably because I like Duran Duran and it reminded me of the Girls on Film video.  Also because I like guts.

Watch this film if you like:
Loads of long soft core stuff
Pants and knickers
A penis monster
A van hitting a penis monster
A girl being wrestled for some reason
 A movie that is also known as Entrails of a Virgin

I give this movie a massive Penis out of a torn vagina – or 4

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Zelda Halopile

Battle Royale – review

This little girl's parents are going to be disappointed when they see what is left of the baby sitter.

When I am travelling on a bus I like to listen to really loud music to the point that I have a headache whilst reading a book to the point that my bookoids are swollen.  Sometimes I like to watch movies where my bookoids can get a battering.  These movies are subtitled.
“What the freaking hell are subtitles, Zelda?” I hear you holler.  Well, subtitles are titles that are subbed.  
One such movie that I have seen, multiple times, is Battle Royale.  Not Battle Royal.  Battle ROYALE!  The movie is all in Japanese and I do NOT have a fucking clue what they are talking about unless those subtitles are activated. 

 There is some stuff that happens at the start where a teacher gets a smack in the Japanese chops before resigning because he is a little bitch.

A million years later and there is a class all having a truly excellent time as they are taken on a trip out and about before being gassed in a room, dragged to an island and told they are to take part in the traditional Olympic-like sport of Battle Royale.  The bitch teacher from earlier, Kitano is on hand to break the good news to the class of jumped-up fuckwits.  A video showing some garishly happy Japanese woman explains that the class all have to kill each other to the point that there is only one kid left.  A bit like Highlander, only TOTALLY different to that movie.  There are no similarities at all.  There is no Chris Lambert here to defend you.

Mmm, breakfast at gun point, is there any other better way of starting the day?

The kids all have collars around their neck, a bit like Running Man, but nothing like it at all.  Well, actually, there are a few similarities but Battle Royale doesn’t feel like an Arnie movie.  Anyway, during the video, which informs the kids that the neck things will detonate if they fuck around, one of the girls starts talking to her buddies about how she is going to live in Alaska.  BAAAMB!!!! Fucking knife stuck in her, killing her instantly!  Kitano gets tweaks his own nipples as a reward for such a well thrown knife.

                “Hey, why I oughta!” shouts one of the boys and rolls his sleeve up to punch Kitano. 
                “Wise guy, eh?” says Kitano and slaps the boy.  Then a load of soldiers grip the kid, Kitano slashes his ductile leg, and then detonates the kid’s neck charm so that his head becomes a small dish of milk.

Thrown out onto the 20 meter by 20 meter island, the kids are all given a bag with some food, map, cotton briefs (for comfort AND sanitation), an inflatable machine gun, a castle and sixty four filthy spoons.  Right away a kid gets an arrow in his head.  Another finds their own intestines in a bag, they take them out, lift them to their face and then express puzzlement, before falling back onto the ground .  All the while Hanna Barbara sound effects are playing in the background. 

From here, things get hazy as many sub stories are told.  One group want to do some hacking, another are all in love with each other, others want to fuck crabs.  A nutter turns up and explains that he was the victorious survivor of a previous Battle Royale and he wants to kill everyone that is involved in the whole program.  He explains that in the last Battle Royale, his girlfriend was swallowed by a whale, that had pretended to be a student at his school.  The Whale had worn a monocle and rode a tricycle, this was enough to pass as a human being.  The nutter felt embarrassed that he had not recognised that the 78 tonne student (that needed to ride his tricycle to the beach every 15 minutes) was actually a whale. 

The Battle Royale edition of Guess Who! "Um.. black hair?"

Meanwhile, in a lighthouse, some cheerleaders are talking with such high pitch voices that I HAD to turn the volume down on my tv before I started dripping blood from my ears.  Well, these lot all go and kill each other in about 5 seconds after one of the girls accidentally eats some food that has been poisoned.  The only surviving girl then jumps off the top of the lighthouse and smashes onto the rocks below making a ‘CRUUUUNKLEDOOP!’ sound.

Even more meanwhile, and a bunch of hackers have got into the mainframe of the military.  They aim to use their geek skills to bugger the security perimeter… they all get killed though, but then one of them doesn’t.

Up until the last scene it’s kill, die, dead, kill, stab, shoot, fall, jump, die, no messing around.  At the end it all goes a bit… well, Japanese.  I have seen loads of Japanese movies, a big fan, and they really do like to throw in either a massive kick to the vagina, a poignant message or an overly dramatic finale.  This film went with a dramatic poignant message.  The message?  Well, keep your body shaved of all hair, always wear latex gloves and never let anyone see your face.  Also, people’s heads are not bullet proof.

I love this film.  It’s awesome and I recommend it to people who like:

ALOT of violence
Students that emit a shit-load of bright red blood when shot
No sex scenes
Emotional Japanese screaming
Islands but no sign of Tom Hanks
Feeling a bit depressed at the end of a film

I give this movie mostly headshots.

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Zelda Halopile

Ghostbusters – review

Worlds smallest mouth. He has to have his peas cut into halves.

When there is something strange, in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call?  The police!  That’s who, the fucking police!  Don’t call the Ghostbusters, they are not a real organisation!  If you can see some dirty naked man (or woman) and they are touching their pinkness, a fictional ghost-capturing organisation will be no good.  It may even prove fatal if this naked man or woman spots you AND they are carrying a fucking massive axe that has been dipped in poison.

I first saw Ghostbusters in the cinema and I SHIT myself.  It was scary stuff back then and the effects looked amazing.  I remember that, as an added bonus, I was also able to stay up past 9:30!  Unheard of in my school!  NOBODY got to see what happened in the world after 8pm.  Not even the teachers.  It was a strange and fantastic world, filled with people of the likes I had never seen before.  I feel fondness of that night.

A bunch of university drop-outs, named Ray, Egon, Ruth and Peter, all head to an abandoned mine shaft and fucking piling as much crack cocaine into themselves as possible.  There is a montage of close up shots of them all as they laugh, cry and start having an orgy.  It all turns sour though when Ruth falls over, her face cobwebbed with blood as it pumps from her nose. 
“Fuck!” shouts Egon.  “What are we going to do?”
Peter immediately starts to take his trousers off but Ray stops him.  “We don’t want another ‘Michigan’ on our hands, Pete,” he says.

Ray, Egon and Peter steal a car and drive it into the mine shaft, dicing from the vehicle at the last minute.  There is a massive explosion that causes the whole place to collapse in on itself.  They all agree to never talk of Ruth again, or what happened that night.  Off the back of this, to help get over the death of their adopted daughter, the three men form an organisation called Ghostbusters.

Where the fuck does his neck start and his cheeks end?

They set up base in an old Firestation and immediately start taking drugs.  During one of their more heavy drug sessions, they get a call from a haunted hotel.  The three men run screaming into the building and begin to fire their proton packs willy-nilly with total disregard of everyone and everything around them.  Children are killed, families ended, and men clutch onto charred chunks of their wives.  Its fucking blood bath.

The men do eventually find the ghost, a large green thing that later gets Christened with the name Slimer.  What intrigued me was how did Slimer happen?  If he is a ghost, what sort of accident turns you into something that resembles Slimer?  The more I look into this phenomenon, the more I think that the makers of Ghostbusters had an awareness of the afterlife that mortals shouldn’t have.  I believe that the afterlife is just a mass of green goo.  Nah, just kidding.  There is no afterlife you fucking douche!

Next thing the Ghostbusters know, they are celebrities!  And, due to the demand from customers they have no option but to hire another member, and, as they do not want to appear racist and sexist, they hire a black guy… the sexist fucks.

After her tough time in space, Ripley (from Aliens and Alien 3 and the fourth one) calls the guys to her house after spotting a world of demon dogs in her fridge.  Peter decides that he is going to mate with Ripley and there is NOTHING she can say which will dissuade him.  She then tells him that she has a cock and balls and he states that he is never going to stray into that sort of domain, no matter how hot the man is.  The Ghostbusters all leave Ripley and she then gets possessed by a demon dog.  Her down syndrome neighbour then get’s possessed too, but by a different demon dog.

God damn Walter Peck turns up at the Ghostbuster’s hideout and switches off their ghost containment unit and, as a result, fucking ghosts are popping out EVERYWHERE!  The Ghostbusters all run to Ripley’s apartment where they find her and her special-needs neighbour on the roof of the building shaking and twitching before turning into panthers.  Some woman with a flat-top haircut (very in at the time) does some backflips and shit, and then makes a massive Marshmallow man appear.  It has been summoned to destroy humanity.

The Ghostbusters all cross streams and everything blows up.  The city all applaud, but MILLIONS are killed by white-hot marshmallow.  Fucking bodies strewn about the street like a pinata gone wrong.

A great film.  Real great.

These guys are really into their bukkake!

Watch this movie if you really like:

No sign of Prince Vigo

 I cross the streams at this movie and give it 14 out of 11


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Zelda Halopile