Tag Archives: masked author

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Expendables 3 – review

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house.  Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

lieux de drague pau Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house. Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

try this out click here for more Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep,  riveting,  well executed piece of celluloid art.  This extraordinary film opens with Stalone,  Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason.  Fucking guns are going off all over the place,  like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.

who is danielle dating in one direction Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying.  In fact,  I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way,  these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.

http://meliggoi.gr/mokryxa/3060 Snipes,  rescued via Stalone’s chopper,  goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on.  He stabs some people in the belly and forehead,  and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out.  BANG!!  fucking place blows up,  but this ain’t no ordinary explosion,  no,  this is an rencontre femme guyane Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes.  Meanwhile,  as the continent explodes,  Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.

Stalone here.  He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures.  Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Stalone here. He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures. Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Suddenly,  SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain.  He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost,  the whitest thing you could EVER  imagine.

During a gun fight earlier,  giant black guy from http://bossons-fute.fr/?fimerois=rencontre-9eme-art-aix&49f=ae Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned comaStalone feels terrible,  tells his buddies to fuck off, and,  with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies.  There’s girl fighter,  man,  knife boy and someone else.  I don’t care.  They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.

Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting.  his explanation Desperado has joined them too!  So now we have Arnie,  Desperado,  Jet Li,  Lundgren,  Indiana Jones,  Stalone, ?,  Cockney and Snipes!  ALL  of them off to capture Mel Gibson.  The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory,  Stalone groaning NO  screen time for Lundgren,  NO  karate from Jet Li,  Cockney being bald, ?  wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE  most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen,  Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone,  who talked in reverse burps.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money,  no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.

I give this film a 3 out of 8.4

Watch this movie if you like:

  • Cockney being all cockney
  • Hair that changes colour
  • Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
  • Mel Gibson only getting six lines
  • Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
  • No lens flare
  • So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour

Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books.  There is a link somewhere on this site.

picsay-1403991698

The difficult third book and where next for this masked creature

picsay-1403991698A few weeks ago I launched a pre-order of my latest book Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? It was my most successful release yet and my most perfectly formed book so far.  The formatting, the images, the cover, the concept, it took many years to put together, and was about half completed waaaaaay before my 2012 book release Absurd Agonies.
Now, here I drafting up the plan for my next book and, for the first time in my writing career, I am worried.  I set the bar bloody high with tea and have thrown down a gauntlet at my own beautiful feet.

“Where are you going with your next book, Zelda?” said you, the reader.

I am restoring a book that was banned in my world but appears to be non-existent here.  I am unable to retrieve the book and so I need to re-write from memory and experience the words once again.  That book is my book of Conspiracies, Ghost, Cryptids, UFOs and the Paranormal.

What makes this book different to other books in this sort of category is that, first and foremost, it will be written in my delightful fucking style.  Secondly, I am going to try and incorporate as much modern folklore and stories as possible.  Too many books of the ‘unexplained’ keep regurgitating the SAME fucking stories time and time again.  Sure, I will talk about Roswell, and Bigfoot, and The Moon landings, but I will also talk about Slenderman, Dulce, and Reptoids.   The other thing that I will also do is quite openly debunk or ridicule any of the stories that I find bloody stupid.

My aim for the  finished book, tentatively titled Zelda’s Encylopedia AbsurdicaBloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is for it to be a fun read that educates those that are into this sort of material, something fun for those that are not, whilst providing a gateway to further investigation of this absurdness.  Ever the intrusive author, I will also pop up throughout with my own thoughts, experiences and takes on what I have been writing about.

As ever, I will be looking for input from my friends and followers, but I will commit to this when I am sure what I am doing.

Over the past couple of days I drafted up a list of over 250 article headings…. Perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew… The finished book was banned in my home time.  Let’s see what happens here and now.

Zelda’s Encylopedia Absurdica - Bloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is scheduled for release in 2016.

In other news, my reviews are back.  I will do this on and off for the rest of the year and gladly accept suggestions of any movies or albums you want me to write about.

Mondo Hotdogs, the follow-up to Tomatoes was started recently, but due to some technical equipment breaking I have had to put that on hold for at least a month.

Until next time….

Zelda
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#BeAbsurd #UnHerd #TEaVIL

Zelda Halopile in the woods

Update – CTRMYI? /Videos and Kobalt/my failed date/Absurd Agonies

Zelda Halopile in the woodsChrist on a fucking bike, how fucking warm is it?!  I am used to heat but this is taking the piss.  Roll on winter.

https://www.gostatewide.net/marderos/170 Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Is jerking along at a satisfactory speed.  Currently I am just coming to the end of a tale involving buy lumigan uk categorize Patrick Jean-Luc Piccard Stewart and his life.  remodel http://www.meowhole.com/79026-shatavari-uk.html From his humble beginnings of being raised by a cow, to how tea helped him secure a role as the captain of The Enterprise.

Recently I completed a section about http://thinbluejiujitsu.com/28193-buy-neurontin-online.html weigh Rick Moranis and the time he spent arimidex uk clarify hunting bigfoot, after the creature killed two men in the woods… revatio price fashion it had pulled their leg skin off like flesh-trousers.

Yeah, so that’s going good, still on schedule, the plan being that the very first ‘rough as fuck’ cut of the book will be done by the end of August.

Zelda Halopile - black magic?  Different magic.My friend Mr Klown, Kobalt the Klown, has helped me out with a few teaser advertisement videos.  He is a nice Klown and can just appear in your house whenever he wants.  That’s the perk of being Kobalt the Klown.  Check out his videos and keep your eyes peeled (PEEL THOSE FUCKING EYES!) for a few advertisements that I will be putting up soon, featuring the material Kobalt made for me.  Thanks Kobalt.  Thobalt.

The Proof Reader, the one that they call Jake, he is busy looking at the work of a few friends of mine.  I would say it is a side project but that wouldn’t be totally true.  Let’s just say that if you want to find out a little more about my origins then go and take a look at Karl and Toms work and their upcoming book flirten am bahnsteig Absurdica

Other stuff… well, I am taking my sweet time bitches.  I am in no rush to commit to anything right now.  I have a few ideas and I want to print out some labels and stickers etc and stick them all around the city, but there is no rush for that, is there?

I am still single.  Went on a date quite recently with a man and it was nothing short of a disaster.  He collected me from a pre-arranged place (back of a church) and we went to a chip shop to a meal.  Me – a battered burger, chips, curry sauce and a 2 litre of cola  Him – half a chicken, chips, gravy, peas (fuck you peas) and an Um Bongo.  We got our selected venue for the evening, a bus stop, and he fell off the bench and got gravy on my tits.  I, obviously, became enraged, even more than usual thanks to a heavy period, and punched his jaw.  He had to go to hospital to get stitches. Any single men out there that feel they are able to handle the baggage that naturally comes with a mask wearing, trans-dimensional, time-travelling, non-existent, witch/author then please contact me.

Zelda Halopile maskedAbsurd Agonies, my first book, is going in for a re-edit before being made available on Amazon.  That’s when I feel like it.

All that is left for me to say is:

Be Absurd, be yourself, do not conform, do not be non-conformist just to conform to a bunch of ‘alternative conformists’.  You are not a sheep.  You are a person.  Nobody knows what goes on in your head.  Your perceptions and reality are different to every single person in the universe.  Enjoy being Absurd, being different.  Do not give a shit what other’s think.  You are not theirs to judge and remember that they are not yours to judge.

Zelda
x

And so,the website is complete

Zelda HalopileIt took a few weeks of work with my friend, but the website is complete!  I am very pleased with how it looks and glad to be shot of the shit that had started to build up all over the place.

In the video section, there is an exclusive video that has not been made ‘public’ yet on Youtube, it marks the beginning of a much bigger video project using material from Darkly Absurd Curiosities by Tumulu and I.

Since re-evaluating the world and my projects going forward a sense of freedom has returned that had long been quashed by offers of t-shirts, badges and bleedings for my Absurd Army to grow.  I am past this.  I have a plan and a goal.  If humans choose to join me in my adventures then the experience will be rewarding, if humans don’t then it makes little difference as I will continue to write and make videos.  Off the back of removing the shackles of wanting to be popular, a new sense of confidence has returned to my writing.  The past few weeks have spawned some of the most insane, absurd, funny and offensive writing I have ever done Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? promises to be a masterpiece in crossing the line and falling waaayy below the belt.

Please take the time to look around my wonderful new website, everything has been re-written and re-jigged.  If you don’t take the time to look around then please feel free to nuzzle on my proverbial ballbag and choke yourself.  Ballbags, ugly creatures, but I imagine owning one must be so much fun.

Zelda
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