Tag Archives: Kobalt

Zelda Halopile

Tea, fuck you, update, ltd edition books, whats ‘appnin and other important stuff!

Zelda HalopileHow long has it been?  Fucking ages!  Too damn long!

First of all thanks for sticking with you dear Aunt Zelda.  That’s me.  Although I am yet to have amassed the thousands of people I once envisaged I am happy enough to remain underground and undiscovered.  In fact, I am going to sink back further and further until you begin to wonder whether I even existed in the first fucking place.

rencontre t on les gens par hasard Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? release confirmed for 2014

I have been working like a burnt out stinking whore on Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? and the end of the first draft is within sight.  I have written a book that I would like to read.  A book that would NEVER be allowed to get a general release.   A book too graphic, scathing and fucking insane to be stuck on the shelves of WH Smith or Boots.  A tome of words so ballsy (or vagina-y) that even a man with a ballsack filled with bearded wrestlers wouldn’t have the confidence to release a book like CTRMYI? Fucking pussys!

evil tea cup #BeAbsurdTea features harsh, surreal and possibly offense stories about a selection of celebrities including:

Ironman
Captain Birdseye
Britney Spears
Maggie Thatcher
Hitler
Bin Laden
Christopher Reeves
The Hairy Bikers
Donald Trump
Alan Rickman

And fucking LOADs of others.  Each tale is fucking insane and features tea in some shape or form – and the results of this devilish juice.  I have written a few historical stories of tea, some shit about Jesus, God and Macbeth too.  Readers will be treated to scientific shit that I have made up… I have researched too.

Originally I thought that this fucking life changing book would be completed by the end of August but this doesn’t look likely.  Writing books, being multi-dimensional and making videos (featuring slow creepy music, slow tracking over photographs and a bunch of fucking text) takes time!

Be patient you impatient toe!  Have you ever been called a toe before?  NO!  You fucking haven’t!  If you are nodding and saying, “YES I HAVE ZELDA, YOU FUCK!” then fuck you.  You are a liar!  I like liars.  Take your pants off.

The book will be released in 2014 and that could mean December of 2014.  If that is the case then tough titties.  It will be worth the wait as I want to ensure that this bastard is a fucking joy on the eye, a tickle on your nipples and a sheer sack of offensive weird shit!

Advertisements for CTRMYI?

I have a few teasers coming up over the next few months.  This is the first:

My good friend, Kobalt the Klown has made three very nice little videos for me which I will also be using.  If you don’t know him, Kobalt is a delightful Klown and video master.  He has put together most, if not ALL of the internets most thought provoking non-pornographic videos.  Here is his latest:

2013-09-01 15.21.00Absurd Images- Very ltd edition book… five copies in fact!

Those of you that follow me and my work will know that I like dicking around with images.  Since I started lurking on the net a few years ago I have amassed lots of wonderful, twisted and grotesque images.  There are also many that I have never shown before – either they were shit or I just forgot about them. ALL of them can be found in this upcoming book.  The book contains ALL of the artwork I have made since the days of writing Absurd Agonies, including the pictures that were never used in the publication.
The book is a4 in size
FULL COLOUR
and is 200 pages in thickness!

Not sure when I will make this available yet but it will be before Christmas.  All purchases will be made via paypal or cash in hand (if you know where to find me)  Keep an eye on the Absurd Army for its release.

3393384-four-fresh-red-tomatoes-on-the-stem-shot-in-studio-isolated-on-white-perfect-for-concept-of-freshnes-picsayTomatoes – Book and DVD – Ltd to a few copies

Tomatoes, my snuff film from earlier this year was a great success.  Many watched and didn’t see.  Many saw what wasn’t there.  Some just sat and wondered what the fuck a girl was doing wearing a mask in Belfast and murdering tomatoes in her kitchen.
There is no release date on this yet but next year there will be a few copies of a printed publication that features the tomatoes poem, along with the notes made when planning this visual masterpiece.  The book will also contain a DVD of the film and a few bonus features and behind the scenes.

Hotdogs – follow up to the Tomatoes movie and part two of a food based horror trilogy that possibly comes in just two parts

I have began storyboarding and planning a new film about a hotdog.  Similar to the tomatoes movie this film will be a little darker and possibly more shocking than Tomatoes but that depends on how depraved you are.  Plans have been made and sausages sourced for this film.  Shooting will commence before the end of the year.  This will now be part of a trilogy of films that are possibly just two films (the first being tomatoes) but maybe three if I can think of another film.  I am thinking of cheese but this may fluctuate.

ZelstickeryThe end of AbsurdAgonies.com

When I first started my adventures online I wrote reviews of movies and websites and stuff like that.  I put these on a website called Absurd Agonies which doesn’t make fucking sense at all.  IO didn’t think it through!  I am going to disbandonise that site and shift all of my reviews onto this site.  But wait, that’s not all!  No, starting up again next year will be my reviews again, yes, BRAND NEW REVIEWS!  That’s next year though and will begin when my proof reading slave is going through my materials and my chunks.

And here is the end of the epic and fucking huge and twating massive update.  It’s been a long time since I have written one but now you know what I am doing… now I know what you are doing.

Zelda
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Zelda Halopile in the woods

Update – CTRMYI? /Videos and Kobalt/my failed date/Absurd Agonies

Zelda Halopile in the woodsChrist on a fucking bike, how fucking warm is it?!  I am used to heat but this is taking the piss.  Roll on winter.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Is jerking along at a satisfactory speed.  Currently I am just coming to the end of a tale involving hook up connection Patrick Jean-Luc Piccard Stewart and his life.  casual dating italiano From his humble beginnings of being raised by a cow, to how tea helped him secure a role as the captain of The Enterprise.

Recently I completed a section about is hook up bad Rick Moranis and the time he spent citas de hombres ilustres hunting bigfoot, after the creature killed two men in the woods… como conocer a una mujer por face it had pulled their leg skin off like flesh-trousers.

Yeah, so that’s going good, still on schedule, the plan being that the very first ‘rough as fuck’ cut of the book will be done by the end of August.

Zelda Halopile - black magic?  Different magic.My friend Mr Klown, Kobalt the Klown, has helped me out with a few teaser advertisement videos.  He is a nice Klown and can just appear in your house whenever he wants.  That’s the perk of being Kobalt the Klown.  Check out his videos and keep your eyes peeled (PEEL THOSE FUCKING EYES!) for a few advertisements that I will be putting up soon, featuring the material Kobalt made for me.  Thanks Kobalt.  Thobalt.

The Proof Reader, the one that they call Jake, he is busy looking at the work of a few friends of mine.  I would say it is a side project but that wouldn’t be totally true.  Let’s just say that if you want to find out a little more about my origins then go and take a look at Karl and Toms work and their upcoming book Absurdica

Other stuff… well, I am taking my sweet time bitches.  I am in no rush to commit to anything right now.  I have a few ideas and I want to print out some labels and stickers etc and stick them all around the city, but there is no rush for that, is there?

I am still single.  Went on a date quite recently with a man and it was nothing short of a disaster.  He collected me from a pre-arranged place (back of a church) and we went to a chip shop to a meal.  Me – a battered burger, chips, curry sauce and a 2 litre of cola  Him – half a chicken, chips, gravy, peas (fuck you peas) and an Um Bongo.  We got our selected venue for the evening, a bus stop, and he fell off the bench and got gravy on my tits.  I, obviously, became enraged, even more than usual thanks to a heavy period, and punched his jaw.  He had to go to hospital to get stitches. Any single men out there that feel they are able to handle the baggage that naturally comes with a mask wearing, trans-dimensional, time-travelling, non-existent, witch/author then please contact me.

Zelda Halopile maskedAbsurd Agonies, my first book, is going in for a re-edit before being made available on Amazon.  That’s when I feel like it.

All that is left for me to say is:

Be Absurd, be yourself, do not conform, do not be non-conformist just to conform to a bunch of ‘alternative conformists’.  You are not a sheep.  You are a person.  Nobody knows what goes on in your head.  Your perceptions and reality are different to every single person in the universe.  Enjoy being Absurd, being different.  Do not give a shit what other’s think.  You are not theirs to judge and remember that they are not yours to judge.

Zelda
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He’s Kobalt the Klown!

You know what I really like about the internet?  The way that you can travel around and mingle with thousands of fucking idiots, listening to their drivel about the weather and what they are eating for dinner and how drunk they are THEN out of all of this shit you discover someone with something interesting to add to this mundane and one-dimensional world.  Among the very small handful of interesting people I have made virtual friends with, Kobalt the Klown is one of the most fascinating.

What a swell and delightful fella, shrouded in mystery, splashed with occult symbolism and he is a clown (Klown – they are more powerful when it comes to clown stuff)! What more could you ask for?

Kobalt blesses the internet with regular videos that need to be seen. HAVE to be seen. Go watch his fucking videos!

Click exemple de titre accrocheur pour site de rencontre here to see his videos!

Or use your cock-sucking mouse and click site rencontre 94 here to visit his website. These are not suggestions, they are demands!

And to finish off, here is his latest video… probably others uploaded by Kobalt by the time that you have read this but I suggest you watch this one anyway!