How long has it been? Fucking ages! Too damn long!
First of all thanks for sticking with you dear Aunt Zelda. That’s me. Although I am yet to have amassed the thousands of people I once envisaged I am happy enough to remain underground and undiscovered. In fact, I am going to sink back further and further until you begin to wonder whether I even existed in the first fucking place.
I have been working like a burnt out stinking whore on Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? and the end of the first draft is within sight. I have written a book that I would like to read. A book that would NEVER be allowed to get a general release. A book too graphic, scathing and fucking insane to be stuck on the shelves of WH Smith or Boots. A tome of words so ballsy (or vagina-y) that even a man with a ballsack filled with bearded wrestlers wouldn’t have the confidence to release a book like CTRMYI? Fucking pussys!
Tea features harsh, surreal and possibly offense stories about a selection of celebrities including:
The Hairy Bikers
And fucking LOADs of others. Each tale is fucking insane and features tea in some shape or form – and the results of this devilish juice. I have written a few historical stories of tea, some shit about Jesus, God and Macbeth too. Readers will be treated to scientific shit that I have made up… I have researched too.
Originally I thought that this fucking life changing book would be completed by the end of August but this doesn’t look likely. Writing books, being multi-dimensional and making videos (featuring slow creepy music, slow tracking over photographs and a bunch of fucking text) takes time!
Be patient you impatient toe! Have you ever been called a toe before? NO! You fucking haven’t! If you are nodding and saying, “YES I HAVE ZELDA, YOU FUCK!” then fuck you. You are a liar! I like liars. Take your pants off.
The book will be released in 2014 and that could mean December of 2014. If that is the case then tough titties. It will be worth the wait as I want to ensure that this bastard is a fucking joy on the eye, a tickle on your nipples and a sheer sack of offensive weird shit!
http://fili.hu/elisey/5393 Advertisements for CTRMYI?
I have a few teasers coming up over the next few months. This is the first:
My good friend, Kobalt the Klown has made three very nice little videos for me which I will also be using. If you don’t know him, Kobalt is a delightful Klown and video master. He has put together most, if not ALL of the internets most thought provoking non-pornographic videos. Here is his latest:
Absurd Images- Very ltd edition book… five copies in fact!
Those of you that follow me and my work will know that I like dicking around with images. Since I started lurking on the net a few years ago I have amassed lots of wonderful, twisted and grotesque images. There are also many that I have never shown before – either they were shit or I just forgot about them. ALL of them can be found in this upcoming book. The book contains ALL of the artwork I have made since the days of writing Absurd Agonies, including the pictures that were never used in the publication.
The book is a4 in size
and is 200 pages in thickness!
Not sure when I will make this available yet but it will be before Christmas. All purchases will be made via paypal or cash in hand (if you know where to find me) Keep an eye on the Absurd Army for its release.
Tomatoes – Book and DVD – Ltd to a few copies
Tomatoes, my snuff film from earlier this year was a great success. Many watched and didn’t see. Many saw what wasn’t there. Some just sat and wondered what the fuck a girl was doing wearing a mask in Belfast and murdering tomatoes in her kitchen.
There is no release date on this yet but next year there will be a few copies of a printed publication that features the tomatoes poem, along with the notes made when planning this visual masterpiece. The book will also contain a DVD of the film and a few bonus features and behind the scenes.
Hotdogs – follow up to the Tomatoes movie and part two of a food based horror trilogy that possibly comes in just two parts
I have began storyboarding and planning a new film about a hotdog. Similar to the tomatoes movie this film will be a little darker and possibly more shocking than Tomatoes but that depends on how depraved you are. Plans have been made and sausages sourced for this film. Shooting will commence before the end of the year. This will now be part of a trilogy of films that are possibly just two films (the first being tomatoes) but maybe three if I can think of another film. I am thinking of cheese but this may fluctuate.
The end of AbsurdAgonies.com
When I first started my adventures online I wrote reviews of movies and websites and stuff like that. I put these on a website called Absurd Agonies which doesn’t make fucking sense at all. IO didn’t think it through! I am going to disbandonise that site and shift all of my reviews onto this site. But wait, that’s not all! No, starting up again next year will be my reviews again, yes, BRAND NEW REVIEWS! That’s next year though and will begin when my proof reading slave is going through my materials and my chunks.
And here is the end of the epic and fucking huge and twating massive update. It’s been a long time since I have written one but now you know what I am doing… now I know what you are doing.