Tag Archives: film review

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Expendables 3 – review

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house.  Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house. Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep,  riveting,  well executed piece of celluloid art.  This extraordinary film opens with Stalone,  Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason.  Fucking guns are going off all over the place,  like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.

Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying.  In fact,  I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way,  these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.

Snipes,  rescued via Stalone’s chopper,  goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on.  He stabs some people in the belly and forehead,  and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out.  BANG!!  fucking place blows up,  but this ain’t no ordinary explosion,  no,  this is an Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes.  Meanwhile,  as the continent explodes,  Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.

Stalone here.  He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures.  Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Stalone here. He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures. Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Suddenly,  SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain.  He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost,  the whitest thing you could EVER  imagine.

During a gun fight earlier,  giant black guy from Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned comaStalone feels terrible,  tells his buddies to fuck off, and,  with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies.  There’s girl fighter,  man,  knife boy and someone else.  I don’t care.  They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.

Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting.  Desperado has joined them too!  So now we have Arnie,  Desperado,  Jet Li,  Lundgren,  Indiana Jones,  Stalone, ?,  Cockney and Snipes!  ALL  of them off to capture Mel Gibson.  The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory,  Stalone groaning NO  screen time for Lundgren,  NO  karate from Jet Li,  Cockney being bald, ?  wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE  most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen,  Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone,  who talked in reverse burps.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money,  no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.

I give this film a 3 out of 8.4

Watch this movie if you like:

  • Cockney being all cockney
  • Hair that changes colour
  • Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
  • Mel Gibson only getting six lines
  • Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
  • No lens flare
  • So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour

Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books.  There is a link somewhere on this site.

Twilight – review

Please kill me… please for the love of all that is holy!

Grrr!!! Fucking Vampire!!!  RAAAAR!!!! Here I am, I am gonna fucking kill you!!!!  I am about to pick out your urethra and thread it through your sodding nipples, and wear it like a neck ornament!!!  I am an undead, soulless creature, primed to kill and slash people to pieces and eat their mother-fucking blood!!!!  Taking your husbands ribs, I am going to impale all of your children and slow roast them with some rosemary and a cranberry sauce!!

I am a vampire and that shit is what I do.

Not in twilight though.  Nah, I am gonna prance about and kiss my deformed, depressed, dickhead of a wench and be all pale and ugly at the same time. 

Unbelievable as it may seem, I fell for the Twilight phenomenon back in the day.  Not as obsessively as the majority of my female brethren  but enough to say that I was ALMOST a fan.  The thing that got in the way for me was that I hated everything about Twilight.
 
I didn’t bother with the books and jumped straight into watching the movie.

The film starts off with a girl named Isabella ‘Bellend’ Stinkers (otherwise known as Bella) and she drags her buckled, warped, distorted head to a town full of inbreds.  It’s where her father likes to live and be a police man. 

Bella goes to school and watches a bunch of Albino’s called the Cullens as they drift around in slow motion around the school not burning in the sunlight like a vampire should.  One day, during biology, Bella sits next to one of the Cullens, an equally as deformed fella named Edward.  As soon as his eyes meet her flesh, he pukes, shits and runs from the class crying and being very emotional. 
“Oh, I hear that he was once caught filling a duck with batters” says a friend of Bella.
“I don’t care, I just want his balls against my massive bush,” says the Bella, giving her star the all-star treatment.

I also wish to be finished off. I eat cocain every morning but it is not finishing me quick enough.

Nothing happens for ages and then, one day, Bella is in the car park and is nearly run over by a drunk teacher in a van.  Edward fucking Ninjas it across the car park and does a power-slam into the side of the van with his fist before running away crying again.  Why they couldn’t find a better looking man to play Edward I will never know.  Seriously.  Mickey Rourke would have been perfect.           

Bella rubs the side of the van, a glowing fist imprint pulsing back at her. 
                “Fucking hell, I would like to feel that fist in me,” she says, her hands in her knickers again.  She runs after Edward but he grabs her shoulders, tears splashing down his face, and tells her that he is dangerous and that she should keep away.  Bella seems to be getting off on being repeatedly slammed against the wall and she begins to burp erratically.  Not erotically.

 Nothing happens for ages and then Bella finds a potion in the glove box of her father’s police car.  This potion turns out to be coke.  And the Coke turns out to be Pepsi.  After drinking the potion Bella suddenly realises that Edward is vampire.
                “Nice!” shouts Bella, “fucking love vampires and their balls!
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella and Edward get together and fall in love.  In a story later on the two end up having a baby! But that is a spoiler.  Um… Edward kind of glows and then introduces the pervert to his undead family of dwarves.  Ricky, Duncan, Boiler, Scatter, Gugglebints and Liftoff.  An internal monologue is played as Bella’s pig-eyes drink in each of the dwarves:

Ricky, – mmm, I want to put milk on his hips…

Duncan – I could grow hay on the back of his fuck sacks…

Boiler – Her boobs are like Lost Highways…

Scatter – I would plug in a wireless adapter and stream ring tones off her afterbirth…

Gugglebints – I want to put a mattress on him, lay on it, and look at Neptune through toilet roll tubes…

Liftoff – I will make you gay, and not in a homosexual way…

This vampire is not in the film. I wish it was. We all wish it was.

This scene goes on for about an hour before some bad vampires turn up.  They are not really bad, they are just being ‘proper’ vampires.  Vampires that eat human blood and not animal blood like the vampire dwarf family.  The sad thing is, however, that they have turned up in an incredibly exciting scene where Bella and the family are playing golf together. 

The bad vampires Punk Bella into thinking that her stupid mother is being help hostage and when she turns up to rescue her mum she is immediately captured and kicked in the fucking ugly head!  One of the bad vampires bites Bella’s wrist and recoils in disgust.
                “Smells like bad vagina!” he shouts.
                “Don’t stop biting me!” screams Bella.  “I am only just warming up down there!”
The front of Bella’s combats inflate and deflate like hyperactive bellows on some sort of speed type drug.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and for no reason at all, the Cullens turn up and kill all the bad vampires.  Edward sucks the vampire juice from Bella and she begins to dabble.  She collapses and is taken to hospital where she has a bone transplant in her abdomen.  When Bella goes back to school the following day she dances with Edward and begins to remember her previous life.  Her life a policeman named Alex J Murphy….

Then nothing happens.

I am neither here nor their with this movie.  I would not watch this in a box with a fox.

What the hell is this thing?

Watch twilight if you like: 

Rubbish vampires
Unrealistic romance
No ninjas
Rabid dogs
Nothing happening in a movie until the last 10 minutes
Prancing through a forest
No action
Ball games

I give this film about 14.three teeth out of 24.nickel

single frauen steinfurt Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: this website Absurd Agonies speed dating montreal reviews where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x

Guinea Pig (series) (1&5) – review

Continuing with what I started last week I bring you another two Guinea Pig Movie reviews.  If you are too lazy to read the previous two reviews or do not know what the Guinea Pig movies are then fuck you.  Stop being lazy.  Go here and read the other two reviews!  Christ on a bike, what is it with kids today?

As you know, I am doing these reviews in the order that I watched these gorgeous movies all those shitting years ago.  Next in the trusty VHS was a terrible copy of….

It’s always a good idea for a new dentist to practice on eyeballs before moving onto delicate teeth!

rencontre france italie rugby The Devils Experiment – (Gin? Piggu: Akuma no Jikken) – part 1 of the series

Before I continue, I just want to warn you that I am ill.  I feel like shit.  I have the female equivalent of man flu and I am writing this with such lethargy and hatred.  I would rather be in bed than complete this but I would just lay there sweating and screaming… alone… my loins freezing over like so much old lasagna.

When it comes to wonderful ‘snuff horror’ this is as close as it gets.  And, like the version of Flower of Flesh and Blood that I had, this version had NO subtitles and was of such bad quality it felt like I was witnessing something truly awful.

Out of all of the series, The Devils Experiment is the sickest and most ‘pointless’ of them all.  The story is that a young woman is kidnapped by some fucking mental blokes who subject her to some graphic torture with the aim of observing the human body’s pain and agony threshold.

Kept in a net that is just hanging from some trees, the woman is kicked and beaten repeatedly for fucking ages before being returned to her comfortable net.  As a gift to her ears she is bound and has sounds played into her ears at a volume louder than six meters!  She basically starts to juice at the mouth at this point.  Probably with hunger.  Next her flesh is clamped and twisted on her arm.  Boiling water is tipped onto her.  Finger nails pulled off… um…Maggots and or worms are put on her before the fucking graphic and one of the most difficult to watch scenes ever is directed into us… a needle is pushed through her flesh just under her eye… it is continuously pushed until blood begins to flow from around her eyeball, eventually the needle exits THROUGH her eyeball.

 When I first saw this I was shocked and starving.  I ate pickled onions.

 Although not as graphic when it comes to gore, this film is at a level of shock which set the bar very high for the first part of the series.  This sick fucking bar is never topped with ANY of the other episodes of the series.

 I give this fucker 12 hands full of sloppy guts out of 13.  It’s NASTY shit.

 Here is the trailer for the film… pretty much shows the ‘money shot’

site de rencontre bg WARNING REALLY GRAPHIC AND PROBABLY TOO GRAPHIC IF YOU ARE REALLY INTO CHURCH!!!!!
 

workplace dating tips He Never Dies – (Gin? Piggu: Senritsu! Shinanai otoko) – part 5 of the series

After watching the Devils Experiment I felt a little odd.  Among the tapes that had arrived with the series of Guinea Pig movies was ‘The making of’.  I was tempted to watch this just to see how the effects were achieved as these movies were before the days of CGI or Play Dough, and I wanted to set my cracked mind at ease that I hadn’t seen a real snuff movie.

Instead of the making of video I went right onto He Never Dies, expecting to see another torture movies but featuring a pointless man for once!  My fingers crossed, then double crossed in anticipation of seeing some scrotal destruction.  Anubis was out that day.

He Never Dies is a comedy.  Yep, a fucking comedy!  No subtitles here and, unlike the other two movies, they were really needed for this one to really get any sense out of what the fuck was going on. 

A man who hates life cuts himself.  Nothing happens.  He bleeds but he doesn’t die! He cuts his hand off and… nope, still having a great time.  I think he hates his life because his girlfriend left him, or because his balls are stolen and made into tiny little bean bags for Japanese field mice.  It was either one of them that pushed him over the edge. The tiny edge.

The immortal bloke realises that Christopher Lambert is going to kill him eventually so invites a bloke from work to his house.  The bloke, Rick, is only too happy to be invited to The Immortals house but when he gets there he gets some guts chucked at him.  The Immortal has stuck a ruler in his own head and then goes and stands by a wall before pulling all of his own guts out.  He somehow cuts his own head off and jokes and sings from a table.  With his head being chopped off and him still being alive Christopher Lambert kills himself.

I am surprised that this has not been picked up for a remake by Welsh people.

I give this film a suicide attempt out of life.

Watch these bastard-fests with your mum and children if you like:

Kidnapped women kept in a net
Women being spun on an office chair until they foam
Eye pokes
Maggots
Comedy
Suicide
Japanese people
No pizza delivery

site de rencontre poitou charente Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

Did this make you smile or laugh or angry?  Well, come and Facebook at me: rencontre ado mobile Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be  the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!

Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – aazelda@hotmail.co.uk

Zelda Halopile
x