Tag Archives: dead

Look who died this year! 2012

https://restaurantmartinwishart.co.uk/atom/4483 Every year people die.  They are either killed by a cancer, a car, a bear (I didn’t kill my husband) choking on sick, overdose or toaster.  It can be sad for some people when this happens to a member of their family.  Others may rejoice at the fatality of a friend or member of the family as the person that has died was molesting them or something.  I am now going to list a few famous people who have died.

our website Bob Holness - he presented a show called Blockbusters.  That was it.  He had grey hair and was friendly to people.  In Blockbusters you picked a letter from a board and the question would then be related to the letter.  An ongoing joke was when people picked the letter ‘p’ because the contestant would say “Can I have a P please Bob?” and the audience would laugh, Bob would laugh and I would pick up my television and scream “No! Stop the fucking laughing!  It is a fucking letter!  If the contestant said, Hey Bob can I do a fucking shit and piss up your arse? THEN I would understand why the audience laughed!  Fuck you Blockbusters!  Fuck you Bob!” but in hindsight I was perhaps over reacting.

cms rencontre gratuit Whitney Houston - a scanky drug addled singer.  She was found dead in a hotel bath tub.  She was so full of cocaine that when the medical crew lifted her body she started spraying cocaine clouds everywhere that resulted in the medical crew overdosing and falling into the bath.  The hotel had to be destroyed but that resulted in a global warming in some parts of Japan.

site de rencontre sГ©rieux twoo Frank Carson - A delightful Irish fella.  He would laugh his god damn head off at his own jokes. I have nothing more to say about this man.  One of the rare few people who I respected.  Also, he was not a pedophile, which is always good.

http://vahidsport.com/pltyte/factore/9846 Robin Gibb  - one of the testicle-less singers from the Bee Gees.  He was famous for getting really fucking angry on stage and slapping a roadie for no reason.  That roadie was none other than Donald Trump.  He sued RObin and that was the beginning of the Trump world domination that has not happened.

other Neil Armstrong - Ironically, Neil had the weakest arm in show business.  This lunatic claimed that he had been to the moon, when we all know that NOBODY has been to the moon.  Even people who reckon they can see the flag with a telescope from Earth are fucking lying.  All they can see is swamp gas.  Neil, who had been to Spain, was a real party guy, who would fuck up every house he partied in.  His death-bed had to be condemned after it was found to be full of prostitutes, beer, and fireworks.

click to read Terry Nutkins - What a guy, Nutkins was a fucking legend.  He was bald, but let the remaining rim of hair, that he had around the back and sides of his head, to grow like a massive fur coat.  He was on the Really Wild Show a kids program that exposed the dark and strange world of chimps and giraffes.  Nutkins trademark saying was “Ever fuck a chimp?” Nutkins never fucked a chimp, but he did have a shit load of women in his time.  Really nice ones too.  So  nice that even I, a red-blooded female, would probably have a pop at.

read this article Sir Patrick Moore - Better known as the Games Master.  Pat’s big lumbering fucking head would appear and he would instruct a retarded child on how they could get past a level on Mario, get infinite lives on CJ’s Elephant Antics on the C64 (type in hairyrseholes) or both be the same character on Streetfighter 2 on the Snes (Down R, Up L, Y, B, X, A).  Pat also liked space and did a little program on the BBC about darkness.

There have been loads of other people who died who are a bit famous, but these are my favourite ones.  Now that they are dead they no longer have to watch their planet turn into a big spinning pile of airheaded fuckwits, spoiled teenage cunts, Facebook fakes, crime hungry twats and dreamless soulless unimaginative shades of beige, brown and cream.

Rest in peace.  And you living people, make the world better, slap anyone you see that is very fat and is wearing leggings.  Throw a brick at a person who is wearing a tracksuit and clearly doesn’t do sport.


Why I hate old people

Old people… what the fuck? Seriously! WHAT THE FUCK? I am a little ahead of myself here so will re-wind like Vanilla Ice in a traffic accident and fill you in on my extreme hatred of the old.

Before we start, I am old. And by old I mean REALLY fucking old. I am so old it is not possible to select my date of birth on Facebook, but, as you already know, I exist outside of the way you normal human beings live and as a result I do not look, act or feel my age.

Now, you are all going to be old one day (unless you die prematurely from illness, road accidents, animal attacks, or a bizarre sexual game gone wrong (you could put a lemon up your arse and find that the lemon was in fact a fully active grenade…)) and that means that you will change in physicality, mind and all of your god damn manners will go out of the window.

Old people seem to think that they can do whatever the fuck they like. They feel that they OWN this world. They show us this by simply walking to the front of queues in supermarkets, walking to the front of the queue when getting a bus, stopping in front of us and tutting at us when we say, “excuse me.” It doesn’t matter whether they are male or female, this fucking queue-jumping, path-blocking seems to be part of their routine.

The problem is that MOST younger people let these old fucks get away with it. They watch an old person walk in front of them and don’t bat an eyelid. Inside they are seething with white hot murderous rage, but a little voice in their head is going “Oh, but they are old.” So fucking what? Waiting in a queue is NOT going to kill these old bastards, it is not going to speed up their biological clock in anyway and if either of these is the reason for them queue jumping they should NOT be out with the public! Now, I do have an acceptance for those with some sort of disability, walking stick, fucking motion sensor device fitted to their face, or a cyborg leg, but even still I can’t help myself from wanting to punch their head. Not a hard enough punch to kill them, just a cheeky jab just to say, you can do it this time but next time I WILL kill you.

I was sat on the bus recently and an old person sat next to me. It was an old man. I am the sort of person that tends to not have people ever sitting next to them. I just have that look about me that screams, ‘come on over, sit next to me and I may or may not start stabbing you.’ But this old fella was unperturbed and plonked himself down nicely, next to me. Not a care in the world. Well, he didn’t have much choice really as there were no other seats, still, that doesn’t usually stop people from avoiding me. I decided to read a book whilst my new seat-companion decided that it would be fine for him to sit on a third of my seat as well as his own, his elbow slotted in snugly into the joint between my forearm and bicep. I moved my arm and adjusted myself so that he was not ‘on’ me, but he just waited until I stopped moving and put himself back the way he was. It was at this point that I became aware of his smell. Not BO, but more the smell of food that is just on the cusp of rotting. This revolting fucking smell was combined with mint. After three attempts of shifting this walking corpse he actually tutted in frustration at ME! Ok, now I would be just as irritated if a younger person had put me in this situation, but the fact that it was an old gripper made it much more frustrating thanks to his near-death smell.

As well as the rudeness and the fucking smell, there is also the look of some of these once humans, the glassy dead eyes, the slightly grilled look to their flesh and the zombie-shuffle. Some of them look like their bones are gagging to just punch a whole through the paper mache flesh. And if it did they would not bleed. No. Instead there would be wisps of putrid dust. Decay. Misery. I can’t even eat in the same room as these creatures. As I keep saying, I am no oil painting, but sitting in a room full of old people is like sitting in a room surrounded by corpses emitting the last of the natural gasses from their rotting bodies.

Old people love babies and children. They claw at youth with their bony claws, their bulbous tongues licking their lips, poking through black false teeth. Children know what these pensioners are doing. They are very rightfully scared, terrified as a tiny piece of their life-force is sucked away by the old person that is touching them. They crave youth. They want to feel that warmth that has long since left their useless bodies.

I don’t like old people. One day this is going to happen to you. This is your fate. It is unavoidable. Unless you act now. Feed yourself to a cow or vacuum your eyes.  It’s for the good of the young.

Dead Hooker In a Trunk – review

Hookers and Trunks

Who is in the trunk? Hooker, thats who!

One thing I really love in a movie is violence and gore.  It’s sad that this is not usually associated with the female of the species.  Real sad.

Men,listen to me with your primitive ears (actually,use your primitive eyes to read this BUT shout what I am saying in your girliest voice so that it is like I am channeling through you)!  Us women love a good horror movie, we love violence, we love playing games consoles and we love shoes, bags, romance and crying for no real reason other than our female friend is crying.  We are great!

It's me, with my copy of Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Gonna post it to the Soska twins for them to sign!

Today I had the fortune of casting my eyes on a movie names Dead Hooker in a Trunk.  The title alone feels so good to say.  Go on, try it (men you can get rid of the girly voice now) Dead Hooker in a Trunk! Doesn’t that feel nice?  Don’t you feel kinda sexy?  I know I do and am.

The film was written, produced and directed by two lovely ladies named Jen and  Sylvia Soska, who are twins.  For real.  No special effects or anything.  No CGI, they were actually born as twin sisters!  I knew some twins when I was a kid and one of them had a freakish large head, whilst his brother’s head was smaller and plastered in birth marks.  One of them went on to be succesful, the other was and still is kept in a basment… but I have digressed.

Dead Hooker in a Trunk is a great movie, great soundtrack and when people get punched in the head it sounds brilliant.  One thing I hate in films is when it sounds like a planet has exploded when someone gets a punch to the cranium.  In Dead Hooker you get that nice soft skin and bone against skin and bone.  Satisfying.

Bleeding eye

Probably really, really hurt to lose your eye.

Right, so, two sisters (Soska twins) one a geek (she wears glasses) and the other a tough fuck (she doesn’t wear glasses), a church loving bloke and a rock chic end up on a wonderful violent adventure when they discover a hooker in the trunk of their car.  I have actually been in the trunk of a car but it was an estate model so there was loads of room.  Some guy with a cowboy hat goes after them, a serial killer is involved and there is two police men that get handcuffed together and probably butt raped by a lunatic.  The butt rape is something I reckon happened but if it did, it was off camera.  Unlike most of my other upcoming reviews I am not going to give much away other than horror, exploitation fans just check this gem out!

If you like blood and guts then you will be overjoyed, as was I, as you are treated to entrails, an arm being smashed off by a truck (then sewn back on) heads being shot, teeth extraction and an eye removal, all garnished with lashings of the red, red krowy.  Loved it.

Blood Sprays

The Geek and the Badass get a bloody shower

Watch this movie if you like:
Cowboys being killed
Awesome tunes
Classic exploitation
Proper punch sound effects
A bloke puking all the time
A good time
To be able to say, “Hey, yeah, I watched Dead Hooker in a Trunk aaaaages ago, before it was all cool and stuff.”
The word fuck used often and professionally

I give this movie 19.86 out of 21.5