Tag Archives: #BeAbsurd

picsay-1403991698

The difficult third book and where next for this masked creature

picsay-1403991698A few weeks ago I launched a pre-order of my latest book Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? It was my most successful release yet and my most perfectly formed book so far.  The formatting, the images, the cover, the concept, it took many years to put together, and was about half completed waaaaaay before my 2012 book release Absurd Agonies.
Now, here I drafting up the plan for my next book and, for the first time in my writing career, I am worried.  I set the bar bloody high with tea and have thrown down a gauntlet at my own beautiful feet.

“Where are you going with your next book, Zelda?” said you, the reader.

I am restoring a book that was banned in my world but appears to be non-existent here.  I am unable to retrieve the book and so I need to re-write from memory and experience the words once again.  That book is my book of Conspiracies, Ghost, Cryptids, UFOs and the Paranormal.

What makes this book different to other books in this sort of category is that, first and foremost, it will be written in my delightful fucking style.  Secondly, I am going to try and incorporate as much modern folklore and stories as possible.  Too many books of the ‘unexplained’ keep regurgitating the SAME fucking stories time and time again.  Sure, I will talk about Roswell, and Bigfoot, and The Moon landings, but I will also talk about Slenderman, Dulce, and Reptoids.   The other thing that I will also do is quite openly debunk or ridicule any of the stories that I find bloody stupid.

My aim for the  finished book, tentatively titled Zelda’s Encylopedia AbsurdicaBloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is for it to be a fun read that educates those that are into this sort of material, something fun for those that are not, whilst providing a gateway to further investigation of this absurdness.  Ever the intrusive author, I will also pop up throughout with my own thoughts, experiences and takes on what I have been writing about.

As ever, I will be looking for input from my friends and followers, but I will commit to this when I am sure what I am doing.

Over the past couple of days I drafted up a list of over 250 article headings…. Perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew… The finished book was banned in my home time.  Let’s see what happens here and now.

Zelda’s Encylopedia Absurdica - Bloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is scheduled for release in 2016.

In other news, my reviews are back.  I will do this on and off for the rest of the year and gladly accept suggestions of any movies or albums you want me to write about.

Mondo Hotdogs, the follow-up to Tomatoes was started recently, but due to some technical equipment breaking I have had to put that on hold for at least a month.

Until next time….

Zelda
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#BeAbsurd #UnHerd #TEaVIL

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Last Action Hero – Review

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Ten year old (maybe older,  I dunno) Danny Madigen fucking loves Arnie movies,  especially the Jack Slater series.   Danny’s mum doesn’t give a fuck that her son is watching Arnie stab,  gut, fuck,  shoot and maim his way through countless bad guys.  In fact,  she is hardly home to give a shit anyway.  Even when the kid is handcuffed to a sink and raped by a robber,  Danny’s mum tells him off and goes back to her job at a local strip joint.

Due to the resentment of his mother,  Danny is quickly taken in by an elderly gentleman,  who owns a cinema.  He let’s Danny in to watch movies for NOTHING  and is aware that he is missing time in school.

One day, after the rape,  Danny goes to see his old pal because this guy has promised Danny that he can see the latest Jack Slater movie BEFORE  general release.  When Danny gets to the cinema,  the old guy is dressed up as a bell boy for NO reason at all!  The elderly gent then gives Danny a magic ticket, tells him how valuable and special it is and rips the ticket in two.  Fucking idiot.

Danny settles down to watch the movie and suddenly starts tripping balls.  He appears in the fucking movie!  Danny then proceeds to bare witness to murder and death,  and it doesn’t faze him in the slightest.  In fact, he springs a non-reluctant boner!

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie's gun.

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie’s gun.

Due to Danny seeing the start of the movie, he got to see Charlie Dance,  shoot a guy through the fucking head.  Charlie works for the Dolmeo man,  who Charlie shoots later in the movie.  Double crossing cunt!  Danny tells Jack Slater about Charlie and Charlie overhears the little bastard.

Charlie finds the magic ticket that transported Danny into the film world and uses it to cross into the real world where he then goes and gets the film character who killed Jack Slater’s son.  BAM, fucking Jack comes bursting through with Danny into the real world and he immediately begins to feel weak and woozy due to chemtrails in the air.  He chases Charlie and the bad-un who killed his son, and shoots both of them in the liver.

Danny is all excited and fucking whooping like it’s New Year’s Eve.   He even laps at the dead men’s bullet holes.  Then a strange mist descends on Danny.  He rubs his eyes.  When he opens them he finds himself in the cinema,  hogtied.  The old man smiles and whispers to Danny,  “what made that ticket so fucking magical was the amount of fucking acid that was impregnated into it.”

Danny screams and the old man starts whistling like a kettle before popping.  The screen fades to black, fades back in with the words 10 years later.  We see Danny’s rotten corpse, still hogtied, only now it is being sniffed by a rodent.

Watch this movie if you like:

*Irresponsible parents.
*Widowed mothers.
*Arnie getting randy over classical music.
*A film where the ticket isn’t needed to go into the ‘real world’ after the bad guy uses it.
*Arnie being unable to act as himself but fine as a fictional character.
*A dead body doing a fluff.
*Shit cameos.

I give this movie a rubber baby buggy bumper out of I’ll be back.

Zelda Halopile

Tea, fuck you, update, ltd edition books, whats ‘appnin and other important stuff!

Zelda HalopileHow long has it been?  Fucking ages!  Too damn long!

First of all thanks for sticking with you dear Aunt Zelda.  That’s me.  Although I am yet to have amassed the thousands of people I once envisaged I am happy enough to remain underground and undiscovered.  In fact, I am going to sink back further and further until you begin to wonder whether I even existed in the first fucking place.

newest usa dating app Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? matchmaking works release confirmed for 2014

I have been working like a burnt out stinking whore on Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? and the end of the first draft is within sight.  I have written a book that I would like to read.  A book that would NEVER be allowed to get a general release.   A book too graphic, scathing and fucking insane to be stuck on the shelves of WH Smith or Boots.  A tome of words so ballsy (or vagina-y) that even a man with a ballsack filled with bearded wrestlers wouldn’t have the confidence to release a book like CTRMYI? Fucking pussys!

evil tea cup #BeAbsurdTea features harsh, surreal and possibly offense stories about a selection of celebrities including:

Ironman
Captain Birdseye
Britney Spears
Maggie Thatcher
Hitler
Bin Laden
Christopher Reeves
The Hairy Bikers
Donald Trump
Alan Rickman

And fucking LOADs of others.  Each tale is fucking insane and features tea in some shape or form – and the results of this devilish juice.  I have written a few historical stories of tea, some shit about Jesus, God and Macbeth too.  Readers will be treated to scientific shit that I have made up… I have researched too.

Originally I thought that this fucking life changing book would be completed by the end of August but this doesn’t look likely.  Writing books, being multi-dimensional and making videos (featuring slow creepy music, slow tracking over photographs and a bunch of fucking text) takes time!

Be patient you impatient toe!  Have you ever been called a toe before?  NO!  You fucking haven’t!  If you are nodding and saying, “YES I HAVE ZELDA, YOU FUCK!” then fuck you.  You are a liar!  I like liars.  Take your pants off.

The book will be released in 2014 and that could mean December of 2014.  If that is the case then tough titties.  It will be worth the wait as I want to ensure that this bastard is a fucking joy on the eye, a tickle on your nipples and a sheer sack of offensive weird shit!

http://suprameca.com/trimer/249 Advertisements for CTRMYI?

I have a few teasers coming up over the next few months.  This is the first:

My good friend, Kobalt the Klown has made three very nice little videos for me which I will also be using.  If you don’t know him, Kobalt is a delightful Klown and video master.  He has put together most, if not ALL of the internets most thought provoking non-pornographic videos.  Here is his latest:

wikipedia reference 2013-09-01 15.21.00Absurd Images- Very ltd edition book… five copies in fact!

Those of you that follow me and my work will know that I like dicking around with images.  Since I started lurking on the net a few years ago I have amassed lots of wonderful, twisted and grotesque images.  There are also many that I have never shown before – either they were shit or I just forgot about them. ALL of them can be found in this upcoming book.  The book contains ALL of the artwork I have made since the days of writing Absurd Agonies, including the pictures that were never used in the publication.
The book is a4 in size
FULL COLOUR
and is 200 pages in thickness!

Not sure when I will make this available yet but it will be annonce rencontre femmes sexes 91 before Christmas.  All purchases will be made via paypal or cash in hand (if you know where to find me)  Keep an eye on the Absurd Army for its release.

3393384-four-fresh-red-tomatoes-on-the-stem-shot-in-studio-isolated-on-white-perfect-for-concept-of-freshnes-picsayTomatoes – Book and DVD – Ltd to a few copies

Tomatoes, my snuff film from earlier this year was a great success.  Many watched and didn’t see.  Many saw what wasn’t there.  Some just sat and wondered what the fuck a girl was doing wearing a mask in Belfast and murdering tomatoes in her kitchen.
There is no release date on this yet but next year there will be a few copies of a printed publication that features the tomatoes poem, along with the notes made when planning this visual masterpiece.  The book will also contain a DVD of the film and a few bonus features and behind the scenes.

Hotdogs – follow up to the Tomatoes movie and part two of a food based horror trilogy that possibly comes in just two parts

I have began storyboarding and planning a new film about a hotdog.  Similar to the tomatoes movie this film will be a little darker and possibly more shocking than Tomatoes but that depends on how depraved you are.  Plans have been made and sausages sourced for this film.  Shooting will commence before the end of the year.  This will now be part of a trilogy of films that are possibly just two films (the first being tomatoes) but maybe three if I can think of another film.  I am thinking of cheese but this may fluctuate.

ZelstickeryThe end of AbsurdAgonies.com

When I first started my adventures online I wrote reviews of movies and websites and stuff like that.  I put these on a website called Absurd Agonies which doesn’t make fucking sense at all.  IO didn’t think it through!  I am going to disbandonise that site and shift all of my reviews onto this site.  But wait, that’s not all!  No, starting up again next year will be my reviews again, yes, BRAND NEW REVIEWS!  That’s next year though and will begin when my proof reading slave is going through my materials and my chunks.

And here is the end of the epic and fucking huge and twating massive update.  It’s been a long time since I have written one but now you know what I am doing… now I know what you are doing.

Zelda
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Zelda Halopile in the woods

Update – CTRMYI? /Videos and Kobalt/my failed date/Absurd Agonies

Zelda Halopile in the woodsChrist on a fucking bike, how fucking warm is it?!  I am used to heat but this is taking the piss.  Roll on winter.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Is jerking along at a satisfactory speed.  Currently I am just coming to the end of a tale involving http://aquanetta.pl/?kostromesp=opcje-binarne-utrader&582=37 Patrick Jean-Luc Piccard Stewart and his life.  site rencontre outaouaisweb From his humble beginnings of being raised by a cow, to how tea helped him secure a role as the captain of The Enterprise.

Recently I completed a section about try this out Rick Moranis and the time he spent hop over to this web-site hunting bigfoot, after the creature killed two men in the woods… http://inspirationbygod.net/firet/4227 it had pulled their leg skin off like flesh-trousers.

Yeah, so that’s going good, still on schedule, the plan being that the very first ‘rough as fuck’ cut of the book will be done by the end of August.

Zelda Halopile - black magic?  Different magic.My friend Mr Klown, Kobalt the Klown, has helped me out with a few teaser advertisement videos.  He is a nice Klown and can just appear in your house whenever he wants.  That’s the perk of being Kobalt the Klown.  Check out his videos and keep your eyes peeled (PEEL THOSE FUCKING EYES!) for a few advertisements that I will be putting up soon, featuring the material Kobalt made for me.  Thanks Kobalt.  Thobalt.

The Proof Reader, the one that they call Jake, he is busy looking at the work of a few friends of mine.  I would say it is a side project but that wouldn’t be totally true.  Let’s just say that if you want to find out a little more about my origins then go and take a look at Karl and Toms work and their upcoming book Absurdica

Other stuff… well, I am taking my sweet time bitches.  I am in no rush to commit to anything right now.  I have a few ideas and I want to print out some labels and stickers etc and stick them all around the city, but there is no rush for that, is there?

I am still single.  Went on a date quite recently with a man and it was nothing short of a disaster.  He collected me from a pre-arranged place (back of a church) and we went to a chip shop to a meal.  Me – a battered burger, chips, curry sauce and a 2 litre of cola  Him – half a chicken, chips, gravy, peas (fuck you peas) and an Um Bongo.  We got our selected venue for the evening, a bus stop, and he fell off the bench and got gravy on my tits.  I, obviously, became enraged, even more than usual thanks to a heavy period, and punched his jaw.  He had to go to hospital to get stitches. Any single men out there that feel they are able to handle the baggage that naturally comes with a mask wearing, trans-dimensional, time-travelling, non-existent, witch/author then please contact me.

Zelda Halopile maskedAbsurd Agonies, my first book, is going in for a re-edit before being made available on Amazon.  That’s when I feel like it.

All that is left for me to say is:

Be Absurd, be yourself, do not conform, do not be non-conformist just to conform to a bunch of ‘alternative conformists’.  You are not a sheep.  You are a person.  Nobody knows what goes on in your head.  Your perceptions and reality are different to every single person in the universe.  Enjoy being Absurd, being different.  Do not give a shit what other’s think.  You are not theirs to judge and remember that they are not yours to judge.

Zelda
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Tea Shirt CTRMYI?

Rain, paedophiles and tea

Tea Shirt CTRMYI?It’s raining again!  Everyone is sad and complaining like little fucking bitches.  Just be thankful your flesh is waterproof and non-permeable… unlike mine.
Whilst everyone in the UK complain about the weather or reads about pretty much every BBC heroes and treasure being a dirty rotten paedophile, I have been writing away and making a few more T-shirt designs.  I even stuck one on a cup today.  I don’t give a fuck if nobody decides to buy them, they are there if you want them and they look damn glorious if I do say so myself.  And I do. So they are.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?   Or CTRMYI? Has been sapping my word juice to the maximum lately.  I completed a rough section on Christopher Reeves which is sure to offend a few but those who would be offended are probably dicks anyway.  The next section that is being written is about the late great Margret Thatcher.  What a woman.  So hateful she makes me look like a fucking monk or a loving and gracious swan.

evil tea cup #BeAbsurdThe plan of action for CTRMYI? Is

(1)    Finish off writing about the remaining celebrities.
(2)    Add all of you lovely people to the thanks section… not all of you, just the ones that decided to lift their god damn fingers and give me suggestions when I asked for them.
(3)    Conduct a few more surveys
(4)    Add all survey questions and responses to CTRMY!?
(5)    Re-write
(6)    Sit on the project for a month and not read it or look at it as I will be sick to death of it.
(7)    Send the text to a proof reader… I have someone in mind and will contact this person real soon.  Possibly already contacted them.
(8)    Create pictures and discuss artwork with Tumulu.
(9)    Build book cover
(10)Once I have the material back from the proofer, re-read myself.
(11)Format and build book.
(12)Release the book in 2014

A lot to do still, actually, it’s pissed me off now that I have seen how much I have left to do.  God damn it!  Somewhere in there I will release an advert giving everyone an idea of what they can expect in the book, including who is in it.

Leave me alone.

Zelda
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#BeAbsurd

 

And so,the website is complete

Zelda HalopileIt took a few weeks of work with my friend, but the website is complete!  I am very pleased with how it looks and glad to be shot of the shit that had started to build up all over the place.

In the video section, there is an exclusive video that has not been made ‘public’ yet on Youtube, it marks the beginning of a much bigger video project using material from Darkly Absurd Curiosities by Tumulu and I.

Since re-evaluating the world and my projects going forward a sense of freedom has returned that had long been quashed by offers of t-shirts, badges and bleedings for my Absurd Army to grow.  I am past this.  I have a plan and a goal.  If humans choose to join me in my adventures then the experience will be rewarding, if humans don’t then it makes little difference as I will continue to write and make videos.  Off the back of removing the shackles of wanting to be popular, a new sense of confidence has returned to my writing.  The past few weeks have spawned some of the most insane, absurd, funny and offensive writing I have ever done Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? promises to be a masterpiece in crossing the line and falling waaayy below the belt.

Please take the time to look around my wonderful new website, everything has been re-written and re-jigged.  If you don’t take the time to look around then please feel free to nuzzle on my proverbial ballbag and choke yourself.  Ballbags, ugly creatures, but I imagine owning one must be so much fun.

Zelda
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