Tag Archives: Absurd Agonies

Zelda Halopile

Tea, fuck you, update, ltd edition books, whats ‘appnin and other important stuff!

Zelda HalopileHow long has it been?  Fucking ages!  Too damn long!

First of all thanks for sticking with you dear Aunt Zelda.  That’s me.  Although I am yet to have amassed the thousands of people I once envisaged I am happy enough to remain underground and undiscovered.  In fact, I am going to sink back further and further until you begin to wonder whether I even existed in the first fucking place.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?release confirmed for 2014

I have been working like a burnt out stinking whore on Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? and the end of the first draft is within sight.  I have written a book that I would like to read.  A book that would NEVER be allowed to get a general release.   A book too graphic, scathing and fucking insane to be stuck on the shelves of WH Smith or Boots.  A tome of words so ballsy (or vagina-y) that even a man with a ballsack filled with bearded wrestlers wouldn’t have the confidence to release a book like CTRMYI? Fucking pussys!

evil tea cup #BeAbsurdTea features harsh, surreal and possibly offense stories about a selection of celebrities including:

Captain Birdseye
Britney Spears
Maggie Thatcher
Bin Laden
Christopher Reeves
The Hairy Bikers
Donald Trump
Alan Rickman

And fucking LOADs of others.  Each tale is fucking insane and features tea in some shape or form – and the results of this devilish juice.  I have written a few historical stories of tea, some shit about Jesus, God and Macbeth too.  Readers will be treated to scientific shit that I have made up… I have researched too.

Originally I thought that this fucking life changing book would be completed by the end of August but this doesn’t look likely.  Writing books, being multi-dimensional and making videos (featuring slow creepy music, slow tracking over photographs and a bunch of fucking text) takes time!

Be patient you impatient toe!  Have you ever been called a toe before?  NO!  You fucking haven’t!  If you are nodding and saying, “YES I HAVE ZELDA, YOU FUCK!” then fuck you.  You are a liar!  I like liars.  Take your pants off.

The book will be released in 2014 and that could mean December of 2014.  If that is the case then tough titties.  It will be worth the wait as I want to ensure that this bastard is a fucking joy on the eye, a tickle on your nipples and a sheer sack of offensive weird shit!

Advertisements for CTRMYI?

I have a few teasers coming up over the next few months.  This is the first:

My good friend, Kobalt the Klown has made three very nice little videos for me which I will also be using.  If you don’t know him, Kobalt is a delightful Klown and video master.  He has put together most, if not ALL of the internets most thought provoking non-pornographic videos.  Here is his latest:

2013-09-01 15.21.00Absurd Images- Very ltd edition book… five copies in fact!

Those of you that follow me and my work will know that I like dicking around with images.  Since I started lurking on the net a few years ago I have amassed lots of wonderful, twisted and grotesque images.  There are also many that I have never shown before – either they were shit or I just forgot about them. ALL of them can be found in this upcoming book.  The book contains ALL of the artwork I have made since the days of writing Absurd Agonies, including the pictures that were never used in the publication.
The book is a4 in size
and is 200 pages in thickness!

Not sure when I will make this available yet but it will be before Christmas.  All purchases will be made via paypal or cash in hand (if you know where to find me)  Keep an eye on the Absurd Army for its release.

3393384-four-fresh-red-tomatoes-on-the-stem-shot-in-studio-isolated-on-white-perfect-for-concept-of-freshnes-picsayTomatoes – Book and DVD – Ltd to a few copies

Tomatoes, my snuff film from earlier this year was a great success.  Many watched and didn’t see.  Many saw what wasn’t there.  Some just sat and wondered what the fuck a girl was doing wearing a mask in Belfast and murdering tomatoes in her kitchen.
There is no release date on this yet but next year there will be a few copies of a printed publication that features the tomatoes poem, along with the notes made when planning this visual masterpiece.  The book will also contain a DVD of the film and a few bonus features and behind the scenes.

Hotdogs – follow up to the Tomatoes movie and part two of a food based horror trilogy that possibly comes in just two parts

I have began storyboarding and planning a new film about a hotdog.  Similar to the tomatoes movie this film will be a little darker and possibly more shocking than Tomatoes but that depends on how depraved you are.  Plans have been made and sausages sourced for this film.  Shooting will commence before the end of the year.  This will now be part of a trilogy of films that are possibly just two films (the first being tomatoes) but maybe three if I can think of another film.  I am thinking of cheese but this may fluctuate.

ZelstickeryThe end of AbsurdAgonies.com

When I first started my adventures online I wrote reviews of movies and websites and stuff like that.  I put these on a website called Absurd Agonies which doesn’t make fucking sense at all.  IO didn’t think it through!  I am going to disbandonise that site and shift all of my reviews onto this site.  But wait, that’s not all!  No, starting up again next year will be my reviews again, yes, BRAND NEW REVIEWS!  That’s next year though and will begin when my proof reading slave is going through my materials and my chunks.

And here is the end of the epic and fucking huge and twating massive update.  It’s been a long time since I have written one but now you know what I am doing… now I know what you are doing.


Zelda Halopile in the woods

Update – CTRMYI? /Videos and Kobalt/my failed date/Absurd Agonies

Zelda Halopile in the woodsChrist on a fucking bike, how fucking warm is it?!  I am used to heat but this is taking the piss.  Roll on winter.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Is jerking along at a satisfactory speed.  Currently I am just coming to the end of a tale involving site de rencontre sublime gratuit Patrick Jean-Luc Piccard Stewart and his life.  http://www.qiongbupa.com/martisd/482 From his humble beginnings of being raised by a cow, to how tea helped him secure a role as the captain of The Enterprise.

Recently I completed a section about https://www.ronnipedersen.com/ypysti/2834 Rick Moranis and the time he spent free dating sites in azerbaijan hunting bigfoot, after the creature killed two men in the woods… sites de rencontre des femmes d'affaires it had pulled their leg skin off like flesh-trousers.

Yeah, so that’s going good, still on schedule, the plan being that the very first ‘rough as fuck’ cut of the book will be done by the end of August.

Zelda Halopile - black magic?  Different magic.My friend Mr Klown, Kobalt the Klown, has helped me out with a few teaser advertisement videos.  He is a nice Klown and can just appear in your house whenever he wants.  That’s the perk of being Kobalt the Klown.  Check out his videos and keep your eyes peeled (PEEL THOSE FUCKING EYES!) for a few advertisements that I will be putting up soon, featuring the material Kobalt made for me.  Thanks Kobalt.  Thobalt.

The Proof Reader, the one that they call Jake, he is busy looking at the work of a few friends of mine.  I would say it is a side project but that wouldn’t be totally true.  Let’s just say that if you want to find out a little more about my origins then go and take a look at Karl and Toms work and their upcoming book Absurdica

Other stuff… well, I am taking my sweet time bitches.  I am in no rush to commit to anything right now.  I have a few ideas and I want to print out some labels and stickers etc and stick them all around the city, but there is no rush for that, is there?

I am still single.  Went on a date quite recently with a man and it was nothing short of a disaster.  He collected me from a pre-arranged place (back of a church) and we went to a chip shop to a meal.  Me – a battered burger, chips, curry sauce and a 2 litre of cola  Him – half a chicken, chips, gravy, peas (fuck you peas) and an Um Bongo.  We got our selected venue for the evening, a bus stop, and he fell off the bench and got gravy on my tits.  I, obviously, became enraged, even more than usual thanks to a heavy period, and punched his jaw.  He had to go to hospital to get stitches. Any single men out there that feel they are able to handle the baggage that naturally comes with a mask wearing, trans-dimensional, time-travelling, non-existent, witch/author then please contact me.

Zelda Halopile maskedAbsurd Agonies, my first book, is going in for a re-edit before being made available on Amazon.  That’s when I feel like it.

All that is left for me to say is:

Be Absurd, be yourself, do not conform, do not be non-conformist just to conform to a bunch of ‘alternative conformists’.  You are not a sheep.  You are a person.  Nobody knows what goes on in your head.  Your perceptions and reality are different to every single person in the universe.  Enjoy being Absurd, being different.  Do not give a shit what other’s think.  You are not theirs to judge and remember that they are not yours to judge.


Tea Shirt CTRMYI?

Rain, paedophiles and tea

Tea Shirt CTRMYI?It’s raining again!  Everyone is sad and complaining like little fucking bitches.  Just be thankful your flesh is waterproof and non-permeable… unlike mine.
Whilst everyone in the UK complain about the weather or reads about pretty much every BBC heroes and treasure being a dirty rotten paedophile, I have been writing away and making a few more T-shirt designs.  I even stuck one on a cup today.  I don’t give a fuck if nobody decides to buy them, they are there if you want them and they look damn glorious if I do say so myself.  And I do. So they are.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?   Or CTRMYI? Has been sapping my word juice to the maximum lately.  I completed a rough section on Christopher Reeves which is sure to offend a few but those who would be offended are probably dicks anyway.  The next section that is being written is about the late great Margret Thatcher.  What a woman.  So hateful she makes me look like a fucking monk or a loving and gracious swan.

evil tea cup #BeAbsurdThe plan of action for CTRMYI? Is

(1)    Finish off writing about the remaining celebrities.
(2)    Add all of you lovely people to the thanks section… not all of you, just the ones that decided to lift their god damn fingers and give me suggestions when I asked for them.
(3)    Conduct a few more surveys
(4)    Add all survey questions and responses to CTRMY!?
(5)    Re-write
(6)    Sit on the project for a month and not read it or look at it as I will be sick to death of it.
(7)    Send the text to a proof reader… I have someone in mind and will contact this person real soon.  Possibly already contacted them.
(8)    Create pictures and discuss artwork with Tumulu.
(9)    Build book cover
(10)Once I have the material back from the proofer, re-read myself.
(11)Format and build book.
(12)Release the book in 2014

A lot to do still, actually, it’s pissed me off now that I have seen how much I have left to do.  God damn it!  Somewhere in there I will release an advert giving everyone an idea of what they can expect in the book, including who is in it.

Leave me alone.



Why I hate old people

Old people… what the fuck? Seriously! WHAT THE FUCK? I am a little ahead of myself here so will re-wind like Vanilla Ice in a traffic accident and fill you in on my extreme hatred of the old.

Before we start, I am old. And by old I mean REALLY fucking old. I am so old it is not possible to select my date of birth on Facebook, but, as you already know, I exist outside of the way you normal human beings live and as a result I do not look, act or feel my age.

Now, you are all going to be old one day (unless you die prematurely from illness, road accidents, animal attacks, or a bizarre sexual game gone wrong (you could put a lemon up your arse and find that the lemon was in fact a fully active grenade…)) and that means that you will change in physicality, mind and all of your god damn manners will go out of the window.

Old people seem to think that they can do whatever the fuck they like. They feel that they OWN this world. They show us this by simply walking to the front of queues in supermarkets, walking to the front of the queue when getting a bus, stopping in front of us and tutting at us when we say, “excuse me.” It doesn’t matter whether they are male or female, this fucking queue-jumping, path-blocking seems to be part of their routine.

The problem is that MOST younger people let these old fucks get away with it. They watch an old person walk in front of them and don’t bat an eyelid. Inside they are seething with white hot murderous rage, but a little voice in their head is going “Oh, but they are old.” So fucking what? Waiting in a queue is NOT going to kill these old bastards, it is not going to speed up their biological clock in anyway and if either of these is the reason for them queue jumping they should NOT be out with the public! Now, I do have an acceptance for those with some sort of disability, walking stick, fucking motion sensor device fitted to their face, or a cyborg leg, but even still I can’t help myself from wanting to punch their head. Not a hard enough punch to kill them, just a cheeky jab just to say, you can do it this time but next time I WILL kill you.

I was sat on the bus recently and an old person sat next to me. It was an old man. I am the sort of person that tends to not have people ever sitting next to them. I just have that look about me that screams, ‘come on over, sit next to me and I may or may not start stabbing you.’ But this old fella was unperturbed and plonked himself down nicely, next to me. Not a care in the world. Well, he didn’t have much choice really as there were no other seats, still, that doesn’t usually stop people from avoiding me. I decided to read a book whilst my new seat-companion decided that it would be fine for him to sit on a third of my seat as well as his own, his elbow slotted in snugly into the joint between my forearm and bicep. I moved my arm and adjusted myself so that he was not ‘on’ me, but he just waited until I stopped moving and put himself back the way he was. It was at this point that I became aware of his smell. Not BO, but more the smell of food that is just on the cusp of rotting. This revolting fucking smell was combined with mint. After three attempts of shifting this walking corpse he actually tutted in frustration at ME! Ok, now I would be just as irritated if a younger person had put me in this situation, but the fact that it was an old gripper made it much more frustrating thanks to his near-death smell.

As well as the rudeness and the fucking smell, there is also the look of some of these once humans, the glassy dead eyes, the slightly grilled look to their flesh and the zombie-shuffle. Some of them look like their bones are gagging to just punch a whole through the paper mache flesh. And if it did they would not bleed. No. Instead there would be wisps of putrid dust. Decay. Misery. I can’t even eat in the same room as these creatures. As I keep saying, I am no oil painting, but sitting in a room full of old people is like sitting in a room surrounded by corpses emitting the last of the natural gasses from their rotting bodies.

Old people love babies and children. They claw at youth with their bony claws, their bulbous tongues licking their lips, poking through black false teeth. Children know what these pensioners are doing. They are very rightfully scared, terrified as a tiny piece of their life-force is sucked away by the old person that is touching them. They crave youth. They want to feel that warmth that has long since left their useless bodies.

I don’t like old people. One day this is going to happen to you. This is your fate. It is unavoidable. Unless you act now. Feed yourself to a cow or vacuum your eyes.  It’s for the good of the young.

MEAT clown – terrifying video!

My wonderful friends at MEAT clown are churning out high quality, low-end priced, fucking awesome meat, MEAT and MEaT products to the world and beyond, every God damn day!!

Did you know that  MEAT clown are able to sell their top quality MEAT at such low prices because they can?  Well, now you know. 

Their meat is perfect for ALL occasions, bitches!

Folks coming around to tell you they have AIDs and you need a cut of BEEF? 
Dad’s been killed in a road traffic accident and you need chicken toes? 
Brother arrested for putting his cock on a cat (I mean grafting it on there) and you need battered hooves? 
Grandmother is trying to  finger your butt and you need salmon calves?
You have just scraped the remains of your neighbours head off the back wheel of your caravan and you need pork tits?

Go to MEAT clown!

Keep up to date with MEAT clown muslim speed dating events birmingham here

and shit your tiny thong-like pants by watching this video!

He’s Kobalt the Klown!

You know what I really like about the internet?  The way that you can travel around and mingle with thousands of fucking idiots, listening to their drivel about the weather and what they are eating for dinner and how drunk they are THEN out of all of this shit you discover someone with something interesting to add to this mundane and one-dimensional world.  Among the very small handful of interesting people I have made virtual friends with, Kobalt the Klown is one of the most fascinating.

What a swell and delightful fella, shrouded in mystery, splashed with occult symbolism and he is a clown (Klown – they are more powerful when it comes to clown stuff)! What more could you ask for?

Kobalt blesses the internet with regular videos that need to be seen. HAVE to be seen. Go watch his fucking videos!

Click rencontre entre charles emma bovary here to see his videos!

Or use your cock-sucking mouse and click rencontre 40 à 50 ans here to visit his website. These are not suggestions, they are demands!

And to finish off, here is his latest video… probably others uploaded by Kobalt by the time that you have read this but I suggest you watch this one anyway!

Zelda asks… a question about He-man’s underpants.

The scene

You are sitting in a cafe in Eternia when you see He-man walk past.  He spots you and your friends looking at him and he begins to show off.  He thrusts his crotch in and out, bashing his powerful testicles against the window to the point that he ejaculates and the window smashes.  Quick as a flash, he spins around and juts out his buttocks, straining his fur pants to the point that they become almost translucent.  As he does this he looks over his shoulder and pops the tip of his index finger on his lips and begins to trace the outside of them.  Meanwhile Skeletor has raped and killed Orko and Man-at-Arms.

The Question

Do you think He-man’s underpants are sexy?

Some responses

Bowie G.
Male – AR, US Are they making He-Man toys again? That one is fully posable.   I think He-Man has always been fully posable…

 Josh M.
Male – IA, US He is my favorite!   Favourite what?  Fur-pant-wearing man?

 James J.
Male – MO, US Oh yeah very sexy   Nice to see James is in touch with his feminine side.  Or he is gay.  Either way, he loves them pants!

 Scott F.
Male – OH, US I thought that was his bush   I am guessing that Scott has witnessed some epic quantities of pubes in his time.

Cee P.
Male He’s the reason I got a pair   His lady friend is a lucky duck, I would have loved it if my husband had wore fur ponts! 

 Rhianna M.
Female – GB Very!!

 Matias K.
Male – FI Furrypants Yes.

Special star!
Ashok T.

Male – IN No  

Liar! You love them furry pants!  

I love woman underpants not male underpants   About 15 hours ago

So if He-man wore women’s pants you would be happy? I get ya! ;)  

Not he man but she woman then yes watching the butt is erotic not pants  

Right, she-ra in pants and He-man’s with his erotic butt out. You are one adventurous fella!   About 15 hours ago

You are not adventurous?  

 Oh, I am. I have pegs on my nipples right now and a plastic bag over my face!  

And what are you wearing below the belt?  

A colostomy bag.  

Hope all your body part function normally soon  

The verdict

52  humans were asked

33% like He-man’s pants
67% are not impressed by the fur he uses to cover his cock and balls.