Category Archives: Reviews

Game review, music review your mother. I will review everything!

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Expendables 3 – review

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house.  Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house. Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep,  riveting,  well executed piece of celluloid art.  This extraordinary film opens with Stalone,  Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason.  Fucking guns are going off all over the place,  like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.

Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying.  In fact,  I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way,  these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.

Snipes,  rescued via Stalone’s chopper,  goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on.  He stabs some people in the belly and forehead,  and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out.  BANG!!  fucking place blows up,  but this ain’t no ordinary explosion,  no,  this is an Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes.  Meanwhile,  as the continent explodes,  Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.

Stalone here.  He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures.  Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Stalone here. He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures. Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Suddenly,  SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain.  He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost,  the whitest thing you could EVER  imagine.

During a gun fight earlier,  giant black guy from Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned comaStalone feels terrible,  tells his buddies to fuck off, and,  with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies.  There’s girl fighter,  man,  knife boy and someone else.  I don’t care.  They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.

Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting.  Desperado has joined them too!  So now we have Arnie,  Desperado,  Jet Li,  Lundgren,  Indiana Jones,  Stalone, ?,  Cockney and Snipes!  ALL  of them off to capture Mel Gibson.  The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory,  Stalone groaning NO  screen time for Lundgren,  NO  karate from Jet Li,  Cockney being bald, ?  wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE  most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen,  Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone,  who talked in reverse burps.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money,  no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.

I give this film a 3 out of 8.4

Watch this movie if you like:

  • Cockney being all cockney
  • Hair that changes colour
  • Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
  • Mel Gibson only getting six lines
  • Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
  • No lens flare
  • So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour

Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books.  There is a link somewhere on this site.

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Last Action Hero – Review

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Ten year old (maybe older,  I dunno) Danny Madigen fucking loves Arnie movies,  especially the Jack Slater series.   Danny’s mum doesn’t give a fuck that her son is watching Arnie stab,  gut, fuck,  shoot and maim his way through countless bad guys.  In fact,  she is hardly home to give a shit anyway.  Even when the kid is handcuffed to a sink and raped by a robber,  Danny’s mum tells him off and goes back to her job at a local strip joint.

Due to the resentment of his mother,  Danny is quickly taken in by an elderly gentleman,  who owns a cinema.  He let’s Danny in to watch movies for NOTHING  and is aware that he is missing time in school.

One day, after the rape,  Danny goes to see his old pal because this guy has promised Danny that he can see the latest Jack Slater movie BEFORE  general release.  When Danny gets to the cinema,  the old guy is dressed up as a bell boy for NO reason at all!  The elderly gent then gives Danny a magic ticket, tells him how valuable and special it is and rips the ticket in two.  Fucking idiot.

Danny settles down to watch the movie and suddenly starts tripping balls.  He appears in the fucking movie!  Danny then proceeds to bare witness to murder and death,  and it doesn’t faze him in the slightest.  In fact, he springs a non-reluctant boner!

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie's gun.

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie’s gun.

Due to Danny seeing the start of the movie, he got to see Charlie Dance,  shoot a guy through the fucking head.  Charlie works for the Dolmeo man,  who Charlie shoots later in the movie.  Double crossing cunt!  Danny tells Jack Slater about Charlie and Charlie overhears the little bastard.

Charlie finds the magic ticket that transported Danny into the film world and uses it to cross into the real world where he then goes and gets the film character who killed Jack Slater’s son.  BAM, fucking Jack comes bursting through with Danny into the real world and he immediately begins to feel weak and woozy due to chemtrails in the air.  He chases Charlie and the bad-un who killed his son, and shoots both of them in the liver.

Danny is all excited and fucking whooping like it’s New Year’s Eve.   He even laps at the dead men’s bullet holes.  Then a strange mist descends on Danny.  He rubs his eyes.  When he opens them he finds himself in the cinema,  hogtied.  The old man smiles and whispers to Danny,  “what made that ticket so fucking magical was the amount of fucking acid that was impregnated into it.”

Danny screams and the old man starts whistling like a kettle before popping.  The screen fades to black, fades back in with the words 10 years later.  We see Danny’s rotten corpse, still hogtied, only now it is being sniffed by a rodent.

Watch this movie if you like:

*Irresponsible parents.
*Widowed mothers.
*Arnie getting randy over classical music.
*A film where the ticket isn’t needed to go into the ‘real world’ after the bad guy uses it.
*Arnie being unable to act as himself but fine as a fictional character.
*A dead body doing a fluff.
*Shit cameos.

I give this movie a rubber baby buggy bumper out of I’ll be back.

Rod - having his breakfast and planning his next.

Rod Wescombe the review

Rod - having his breakfast and planning his next.

Rod – having his breakfast and planning his next.

Imagine waking up with a moustache.  Not just any sort of moustache.  No way.  No, I am talking of a moustache that has seen stuff, been there, got the fucking T-shirt and Ltd edition box set.  A moustache that holds stories that would chill you to the bone or perhaps make you want to rip out your own eyes and chuck them up a goat.
Rod Wescombe owns such a moustache.  And what’s more, he tamed the beast and taught it respect, and through a symbiotic relationship, the two have been there for each other through everything that life has thrown at them.  But that ain’t why I am writing about this sexy-son-of-a-beach.  I am here to review this bloke’s music.

Rod was stuck in this pose for a month!

Rod was stuck in this pose for a month!

I met Rod via Fakebook and found the guy intriguing.  Singing cover songs, and always wearing a grin on his chiselled man-face, he managed to lift my spirits.  Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the world and everything about it, but Rod stuck out as being a diamond in the shit.  “This guy is not taking life seriously,” I thought, and I respected him for this.  Nobody should take their life too seriously because, unless you are like me, you will become food for worms, or a pile of ashes thrown into a river, child’s face or mixed with horse meat and fed to a cat.  When this time comes for Rod, he will still have that grin.
Again, I ain’t here to talk about Rod’s unavoidable and eventual death, whenever that may be.  Let’s talk about the musical portions that this hunky-bugger likes to eject.

Rod has a YouTube channel where he has been uploading all manner of songs that he has “ReVoCaLeD” but you will not find any dance, trance, happy hardcore, electro or Finnish-satanic-black-industrial-goth-vampiric-grind-necro-death-metal there.  No, siree-Bob.  What your ears shall be blessed with is a mix of classic, old school REAL music.  And by real music I mean plenty of rock-n-roll, man!  The sort of thing that you put on when sipping on a cold bottle of beer, watching the sunset (or rise) and just live for the moment.  And that is what you really drink in from Rod.  His frisky soul.  It’s there in the voice of his.  A voice that has seen it all and been to hell and back and will continue to do battle with all that is glum, gloomy and sad.  Rod wants fun and he wants you to immerse in it too.  He wants you to go to his world.  A world which sees the shit that goes on but wants to remind you that it aint all that bad and that on a planet of war and hate and grief, music can heal multiple ills, bring a smile to your gormless mug and just make you thankful that your chest contains a heart that beats.

Rod hunts and kills his own food with a soup spoon.

Rod hunts and kills his own food with a soup spoon.

So, if you like your rock, you like the sound of a voice that’s smokier than some smoky bacon in the arse of a dead smoker being cremated then rolled into a cigar and inhaled as deep and as hard as possible, then Rod’s your man.

Some of his highlights are Rocky Mountain Way, Cigarettes and Alcohol, Get It On, Dead Flowers, and Sometimes We Cry

I give Rod a firm but meaty Seven whiskeys out of a potential five… And he is a smashing fella.

Now go check out his fucking YouTube Channel here

Critters – review

Um… this doesn’t happen.

Critters, Critters, Critters, those little mother fuckers that just want to be Gremlins. Well, you aint Gremlins you fucks, you are space hedgehogs and that’s just the way it is gonna have to be.
For those of you that are not suffering some sort of air on the brain you will have worked out that I am referring to the creatures from the film Critters. The rest of you should be put out of your misery you oxygen consuming fucks.

 On some floating asteroid thing, a prison in fact, in space (duh!) there is all hell breaking lose as a bunch of tiny, shin-high, alien-criminals are being taken away for being evil and eating stuff. Suddenly, wang! They manage to escape and nick-off with a really fast spaceship that is capable of going around the WHOLE fucking universe at the speed of trout!
After about 6 hours of a special effect that makes it looks like stars are coming towards us, the alien-criminals, or Critters as we come to affectionately know them as, reach earth and land in field. Hot on the tails of these cunts are two bounty hunter aliens. One of them has no face whilst the other changes his appearance so that it looks like a cross between an 80s Bon Jovi and a deformed ginger kid.
At the farm, earlier in the day, some little kid named Brad was hanging out with a retarded guy called Charlie and they fired a catapult into the buttocks of Billy Zane’s girlfriend (the Brad’s sister). Her anus is ruptured and she is rushed into intensive care. Brad’s dad is not impressed at what has taken place and grounds Brad.
Later that night, Brad decides to climb out of his bedroom window and collect sap from the top of a tree. It is at this moment that the Critters spaceship lands in the nearby field. The front doors of the house fly off the hinges as Brad’s dad, hay hanging from his lip, chewing-tobacco in his cheek, straw hat at a jaunty angle, dungarees only buckled on one side, bottle of beer in one of his hands, shot gun in the other, runs out with his ears still ringing from the screams of his wife as he beat her in the chops for complaining about him looking at a fat woman’s tits.

Michael Jackson with Leo here. These were the more experimental of Jacksons cosmetic days.

“What the fuck!” he shouts and begins firing his gun into the night with no regard of passing owls or elk. He is a bad role-model for Brad.
“Hey pops,” says Brad from the tree.
“Come here, boy!”
“Ok.”
“Good.”
The father and son duo head to where the spaceship landed and find a cow that has been half eaten.
“What in carbonation!” hollars Brad’s dad.
From here on the film gets a bit sketchy as its been years since I watched it. I think one of the Gremlin… Critters grows huge for some reason. A trait that doesn’t follow through into the other movies. Brad’s dad gets monged by a spine thing that one of the critters fires into him. He lays on the floor twitching, his trousers shrinking for absolutely NO reason at all.

Meanwhile, in the hospital, Brad’s sister begins to make a recovery but slips into a coma and then just dies for no reason at all.

The police turn up at Brad’s house but a fucking massive change in the gravity causes all of the policemen to turn on each other before turning on everything around them. This is all witnessed by the space bounty hunters that decide to rape the entire town and blow the farm up killing Brad and his parents.

Then the house repairs itself and Charlie the special needs guy becomes a bounty hunter, and the first thing he does is pilot the bounty hunter’s spaceship into the moon killing all of them.

Watch this film if you like:

Hedghogs
Space
No faces
Half a cow
Billy Zane
Rednecks
Farms
some trees

I give this film twenty chomps out of a possible steak.

Twilight – review

Please kill me… please for the love of all that is holy!

Grrr!!! Fucking Vampire!!!  RAAAAR!!!! Here I am, I am gonna fucking kill you!!!!  I am about to pick out your urethra and thread it through your sodding nipples, and wear it like a neck ornament!!!  I am an undead, soulless creature, primed to kill and slash people to pieces and eat their mother-fucking blood!!!!  Taking your husbands ribs, I am going to impale all of your children and slow roast them with some rosemary and a cranberry sauce!!

I am a vampire and that shit is what I do.

Not in twilight though.  Nah, I am gonna prance about and kiss my deformed, depressed, dickhead of a wench and be all pale and ugly at the same time. 

Unbelievable as it may seem, I fell for the Twilight phenomenon back in the day.  Not as obsessively as the majority of my female brethren  but enough to say that I was ALMOST a fan.  The thing that got in the way for me was that I hated everything about Twilight.
 
I didn’t bother with the books and jumped straight into watching the movie.

The film starts off with a girl named Isabella ‘Bellend’ Stinkers (otherwise known as Bella) and she drags her buckled, warped, distorted head to a town full of inbreds.  It’s where her father likes to live and be a police man. 

Bella goes to school and watches a bunch of Albino’s called the Cullens as they drift around in slow motion around the school not burning in the sunlight like a vampire should.  One day, during biology, Bella sits next to one of the Cullens, an equally as deformed fella named Edward.  As soon as his eyes meet her flesh, he pukes, shits and runs from the class crying and being very emotional. 
“Oh, I hear that he was once caught filling a duck with batters” says a friend of Bella.
“I don’t care, I just want his balls against my massive bush,” says the Bella, giving her star the all-star treatment.

I also wish to be finished off. I eat cocain every morning but it is not finishing me quick enough.

Nothing happens for ages and then, one day, Bella is in the car park and is nearly run over by a drunk teacher in a van.  Edward fucking Ninjas it across the car park and does a power-slam into the side of the van with his fist before running away crying again.  Why they couldn’t find a better looking man to play Edward I will never know.  Seriously.  Mickey Rourke would have been perfect.           

Bella rubs the side of the van, a glowing fist imprint pulsing back at her. 
                “Fucking hell, I would like to feel that fist in me,” she says, her hands in her knickers again.  She runs after Edward but he grabs her shoulders, tears splashing down his face, and tells her that he is dangerous and that she should keep away.  Bella seems to be getting off on being repeatedly slammed against the wall and she begins to burp erratically.  Not erotically.

 Nothing happens for ages and then Bella finds a potion in the glove box of her father’s police car.  This potion turns out to be coke.  And the Coke turns out to be Pepsi.  After drinking the potion Bella suddenly realises that Edward is vampire.
                “Nice!” shouts Bella, “fucking love vampires and their balls!
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella and Edward get together and fall in love.  In a story later on the two end up having a baby! But that is a spoiler.  Um… Edward kind of glows and then introduces the pervert to his undead family of dwarves.  Ricky, Duncan, Boiler, Scatter, Gugglebints and Liftoff.  An internal monologue is played as Bella’s pig-eyes drink in each of the dwarves:

Ricky, – mmm, I want to put milk on his hips…

Duncan – I could grow hay on the back of his fuck sacks…

Boiler – Her boobs are like Lost Highways…

Scatter – I would plug in a wireless adapter and stream ring tones off her afterbirth…

Gugglebints – I want to put a mattress on him, lay on it, and look at Neptune through toilet roll tubes…

Liftoff – I will make you gay, and not in a homosexual way…

This vampire is not in the film. I wish it was. We all wish it was.

This scene goes on for about an hour before some bad vampires turn up.  They are not really bad, they are just being ‘proper’ vampires.  Vampires that eat human blood and not animal blood like the vampire dwarf family.  The sad thing is, however, that they have turned up in an incredibly exciting scene where Bella and the family are playing golf together. 

The bad vampires Punk Bella into thinking that her stupid mother is being help hostage and when she turns up to rescue her mum she is immediately captured and kicked in the fucking ugly head!  One of the bad vampires bites Bella’s wrist and recoils in disgust.
                “Smells like bad vagina!” he shouts.
                “Don’t stop biting me!” screams Bella.  “I am only just warming up down there!”
The front of Bella’s combats inflate and deflate like hyperactive bellows on some sort of speed type drug.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and for no reason at all, the Cullens turn up and kill all the bad vampires.  Edward sucks the vampire juice from Bella and she begins to dabble.  She collapses and is taken to hospital where she has a bone transplant in her abdomen.  When Bella goes back to school the following day she dances with Edward and begins to remember her previous life.  Her life a policeman named Alex J Murphy….

Then nothing happens.

I am neither here nor their with this movie.  I would not watch this in a box with a fox.

What the hell is this thing?

Watch twilight if you like: 

Rubbish vampires
Unrealistic romance
No ninjas
Rabid dogs
Nothing happening in a movie until the last 10 minutes
Prancing through a forest
No action
Ball games

I give this film about 14.three teeth out of 24.nickel

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Guinea Pig (series) (1&5) – review

Continuing with what I started last week I bring you another two Guinea Pig Movie reviews.  If you are too lazy to read the previous two reviews or do not know what the Guinea Pig movies are then fuck you.  Stop being lazy.  Go here and read the other two reviews!  Christ on a bike, what is it with kids today?

As you know, I am doing these reviews in the order that I watched these gorgeous movies all those shitting years ago.  Next in the trusty VHS was a terrible copy of….

It’s always a good idea for a new dentist to practice on eyeballs before moving onto delicate teeth!

site de rencontre des hommes celibataires The Devils Experiment – (Gin? Piggu: Akuma no Jikken) – part 1 of the series

Before I continue, I just want to warn you that I am ill.  I feel like shit.  I have the female equivalent of man flu and I am writing this with such lethargy and hatred.  I would rather be in bed than complete this but I would just lay there sweating and screaming… alone… my loins freezing over like so much old lasagna.

When it comes to wonderful ‘snuff horror’ this is as close as it gets.  And, like the version of Flower of Flesh and Blood that I had, this version had NO subtitles and was of such bad quality it felt like I was witnessing something truly awful.

Out of all of the series, The Devils Experiment is the sickest and most ‘pointless’ of them all.  The story is that a young woman is kidnapped by some fucking mental blokes who subject her to some graphic torture with the aim of observing the human body’s pain and agony threshold.

Kept in a net that is just hanging from some trees, the woman is kicked and beaten repeatedly for fucking ages before being returned to her comfortable net.  As a gift to her ears she is bound and has sounds played into her ears at a volume louder than six meters!  She basically starts to juice at the mouth at this point.  Probably with hunger.  Next her flesh is clamped and twisted on her arm.  Boiling water is tipped onto her.  Finger nails pulled off… um…Maggots and or worms are put on her before the fucking graphic and one of the most difficult to watch scenes ever is directed into us… a needle is pushed through her flesh just under her eye… it is continuously pushed until blood begins to flow from around her eyeball, eventually the needle exits THROUGH her eyeball.

 When I first saw this I was shocked and starving.  I ate pickled onions.

 Although not as graphic when it comes to gore, this film is at a level of shock which set the bar very high for the first part of the series.  This sick fucking bar is never topped with ANY of the other episodes of the series.

 I give this fucker 12 hands full of sloppy guts out of 13.  It’s NASTY shit.

 Here is the trailer for the film… pretty much shows the ‘money shot’

strattera no prescription WARNING REALLY GRAPHIC AND PROBABLY TOO GRAPHIC IF YOU ARE REALLY INTO CHURCH!!!!!
 

hop over to this site He Never Dies – (Gin? Piggu: Senritsu! Shinanai otoko) – part 5 of the series

After watching the Devils Experiment I felt a little odd.  Among the tapes that had arrived with the series of Guinea Pig movies was ‘The making of’.  I was tempted to watch this just to see how the effects were achieved as these movies were before the days of CGI or Play Dough, and I wanted to set my cracked mind at ease that I hadn’t seen a real snuff movie.

Instead of the making of video I went right onto He Never Dies, expecting to see another torture movies but featuring a pointless man for once!  My fingers crossed, then double crossed in anticipation of seeing some scrotal destruction.  Anubis was out that day.

He Never Dies is a comedy.  Yep, a fucking comedy!  No subtitles here and, unlike the other two movies, they were really needed for this one to really get any sense out of what the fuck was going on. 

A man who hates life cuts himself.  Nothing happens.  He bleeds but he doesn’t die! He cuts his hand off and… nope, still having a great time.  I think he hates his life because his girlfriend left him, or because his balls are stolen and made into tiny little bean bags for Japanese field mice.  It was either one of them that pushed him over the edge. The tiny edge.

The immortal bloke realises that Christopher Lambert is going to kill him eventually so invites a bloke from work to his house.  The bloke, Rick, is only too happy to be invited to The Immortals house but when he gets there he gets some guts chucked at him.  The Immortal has stuck a ruler in his own head and then goes and stands by a wall before pulling all of his own guts out.  He somehow cuts his own head off and jokes and sings from a table.  With his head being chopped off and him still being alive Christopher Lambert kills himself.

I am surprised that this has not been picked up for a remake by Welsh people.

I give this film a suicide attempt out of life.

Watch these bastard-fests with your mum and children if you like:

Kidnapped women kept in a net
Women being spun on an office chair until they foam
Eye pokes
Maggots
Comedy
Suicide
Japanese people
No pizza delivery

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Guinea Pig (series) (2&4) – review

Perfect movies for the WHOLE family!

Small, fluffy and sounding like midget R2D2s, guinea pigs are an amazing animal.  Did you know they have been known to lift less than a 3rd of their own body weight?  It was once reported that back in the 1988s that a boy was raised by a cluster of guinea pigs.  Once the boy reached the tender age of seven they devoured him and shit on his skeleton.  Like I said, amazing.

 While we are on the subject of Guinea Pigs I thought it would be a special treat to review a series of films that exposed me to the weird and wonderful world of Japanese gore and their ‘no boundaries’ approach to horror.

 I am taking us back to 1990.  I am sat in my living room clutching a package sent to me from a man I have never met.  The paper comes away in my gloved hands like vodka on a slipstream.  I dissolve the bubble wrap with my heat vision and rescue four high quality video cassettes from flames.  These tapes contained the complete Guinea Pig film series, a series of films that I had only heard about in whispers… in dreams… in conversations with friends.  This series of films started our very small all-girl horror movie nights…

The series is a set of short films depicting gore to the highest level.  No CGI in these fuckers too, which is nice to see.  I don’t care how fucking good CGI gets, you can’t beat ‘real’ blood and hacked limbs.  These films had it all, comedy, sci-fi, horror, romance, and mermaids.

The versions that I had of these movies at the time were unsubtitled but this didn’t really make much difference with a few of the films as dialogue was not important or needed.

For your pleasure here are my reviews of the first two I watched of the series.  I will do the rest when I fucking feel like it!

 

Tumulu does all of my artwork using pus of seven colors

Mermaid in a Manhole – (Za Gin? Piggu: Manh?ru no naka no Ningyo) – part 4 of the series

The first film I watched of the series was ‘Mermaid in a Manhole’ a fucking crazy film about an artist who is have a shit time because his wife is dead.  One day, as he is taking a little stroll through a sewer he spots a mermaid.  He used to pop down to the sewer and play with faeces as a child and had even encountered this aquatic merbitch back then.  Now, on this special day of celebration, he feels overjoyed at seeing this creature lying in piss.  Turns out that the mermaid is not well, so he takes her home.  Not sure how he does it.  He just does.

The mermaid gets all these blister things all over her, and he starts using the pus to paint a lovely picture of her.  Overtime she starts getting more and more blisters, her eye comes out, maggots and worms or something come out of her mouth, but the artist just continues to paint.  Then he goes fucking mental and chops the mermaid up.  Movie ends with the guy sitting very pleased with the fucking mess he has made.  Among all of this mess is a foetus. 

I give this entry in to the guinea pig series a 7 maggots out of 11

 

“Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?”

Flower of Flesh and Blood – (Gin? Piggu: Chiniku no Hana) – part 2 of the series

Feeling all warm and fluffy as a result of Mermaid in a Manhole, I then moved onto Flower of Flesh and Blood.  This is one of if not THE most notorious of this wonderful Disney collection.  A woman, enjoying a brisk walk through a street, gets herself caught by a bloke armed with a handkerchief laced with that ever popular drink, chloroform. 

Luckily, when the girl wakes up, she has been tied to a bed by the man, who is now wearing some sort of samurai hat.  Again, no subtitles on this for me so god knows what this gentleman was saying.  From here there is no story.  The fella chops the woman up in close up detail.. and it is the detail that makes this such a delight.  I mean, when he cuts her hand off the fingers curl slightly around his hand.  The bone is broken so he can get those all important limbs off.  And throughout all of it the woman is alive.  I think she is happy.  Once satisfied with the limb removal, the samurai then disembowlels the woman and removed her eye… which he then puts in his mouth.  And, just to finish off, he chops her head off, which flies of in slow motion and fucking POWs into a wall.  Arousing!

I have since seen it on DVD and the clarity kind of spoilt the film for me.  The video I had was a few generations old and the grain covered much of the detail, but also covered some of the more rubbery looking parts of the limbs.  The ‘story’ ends with a nice slow pan of the samurai’s house, decorated in a festive manner with the limbs and body parts of other people.  He then sets off to get more decorations.

 I give this one 10 maggots out of 11!

 Watch both of these films back to back if you like:

A large amount of blood
Mermaids and blood
Juices
Eyes being taken out and sucked
No plots
Maggots
Worms being puked up
Pus
Distortion

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Expendables – review

Blind as a bat, deaf and fat as fuck. Arnold.

I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two fucking eyes.  A movie with so many hunks in it that you could smell the god damn testosterone dripping from their man-shapes.  Such a shame that every guy in this fucking film looked like a deformed ankle.

Expendables was originally going to be called Big tough Men do a Shoot but there was already a gay porn film with this title. 

This film jumps straight into the action, no messing around.  Some bad guys have some hostages in a what I assume was a warehouse.  The bad guys have a beard, their skin is not white, and they talk in a language different to American.  Instant bad guys!  Next thing you know Stallone! Cockney! Lundgren! Black man!  Hat man! Jet Li!  Fucking Hogan! Bill!  Um… !  There are some low rumbles from Stallone and undecipherable cockney dribble from Cockney, otherwise known as Stratham!  Then a man gets blown in half, fucking top chunk of his body plumes into the wall.  Stallone rumbles again.
A hostage situation breaks out and Stallone kills over 7000 people with a pistol, whilst Stratham uses his throwing knife and kills a meagre 74.  Meanwhile, Lundgren is holding a bad guy over the edge of a platform and is about to hang him.  Jet Li does a karate chop on him right in the lip and Lundgren goes fucking apeshit. 

Stallone, covered in veins, really disgusting thick veins, rumbles towards Mickey Rourke.  The two of these completely mechanically reconstructed bitches begin to fuck like a-sexual snails.  Slime is dripping, protrusions connect, sap is extracted and re-introduced, and finally the two men roll to the ground rumbling erotically.  Stallone then gets a massive tattoo of a dolphin on his back, a dolphin with human emotions.  Looking for work, Rourke hooks Stallone up with Bruce Willis who agrees to meet the fella in a church.
                “Call me Church,” says Willis when Stallone asks for his name.
                “Knock knock!” comes a loud recognisable Austrian voice from the back of the church.  But who is this ambling in?  An obese retarded Arnold Schwarzenegger, that’s who!
                Stallone Rumbles.
                “Oh, you are old!” says Arnold.
And the jokes just role from there.  Hilarious!  The two muscle-heads rip strips of each other with some of the edgiest comedy I have ever encountered.  Check these one liners out:

Silvestur! Willirs! Rooork!

I think you are so old!
Your appearance is different!
Do you know what day it is?
Your mother and father are ugly.
You shit!
You are unable to use PayPal!
There is nothing but plastic cups in your house.
There are very faint patches of sweat in your armpits.
Rumble

Comedy fucking gold!

Arnold walks off leaving Stallone with Willis.  Willis threatens Stallone by saying that he and his men will fucking cut Stallone and his men into Cocoons if he doesn’t do what he is told.

Stratham heads home to see his woman and when he gets there she turns up at the door, her mouth covered in sperms.  They are crawling all over her face, laying little eggs.  He has a Cockney rage and runs off bawling his eyes out. 

The next day, Eric Roberts and Angel from Dexter are discussing the plans for a massive cocaine field where they can grow loads of drugs.  It’s a glorious plan with water features and an area for families to pick their own cocaine.  Heaven.  Well, it is for druggies anyway.  I personally despise drugs.  I have seen many of my friends fall into drug fuelled rages where they have gone on a shoe buying spree, crippling economies due to money-loans just for bags.  Drugs are bad.

Stallone and Stratham head to the very island where we saw Eric and Angel.  They have gone to the island pretending to be bird photographers or something.  It was a pointless part of the film.  They meet their contact, a Mexican ninja woman, and then she leads them to a compound area full of wrestlers.  Stallone rumbles like fucking mad just as a bunch of bearded ethnics turn up.  Between Stallone and Stratham, they murder a whole continent of people in about half a minute, feeling NO remorse at all.  If anything they appear to be aroused to the point of climaxation.  The Mexican ninja woman starts screaming and is dragged towards the plane that Stallone and Stratham used to get to the island.  At the last minute she escapes.

Stallone, so fucking angry at his gripless hands (the reason the girl escaped), gets the rest of the boys and flies back to the island.  Angel gets shot in the head by Eric Roberts and all hell breaks lose.  Stonecold and Hat Man fight like lions in a baseball cap, millions of innocent men, women and children are destroyed by Black Man and his shotgun, there is rape, decapitation, torture, necrophilia, scat, roman showers, snowballing, clots, and felching all in the space of 15 seconds.

Those arteries look good enough to suck!

In the end everyone dies, Stallone rumbles at the Mexican Ninja woman, and then Stratham does a shit poem.

This film is as good as tepid water.  It’s not good.  It’s not bad.  It just IS.

Watch this film if you like:

Stallone
Obvious issues with blood pressure
Muscles
Ugly men
Knifes
No plot
Rumbles
Really soft malleable humans

I give this film sponges out of 15!

Buy my book Zelda’s Absurd Agonies!!!! Click here

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