All posts by zelda

Book four instead of thr33 and my late husband

Hello there human,

Can you remember back to last month when I mentioned that the next book would be book three, a book on Conspiracies, Aliens, Monsters etc?  No?  Well, I fucking did, right?

Forget it.  The next book will be book 4.  The fourth book.  A book of Ghost stories that I retrieved from my nan (or Grandmother if you will).  The book is very degraded, soiled in fact, covered in blood, sweat, and the very tears that fell from my eyes when the stories were read to  me.  As such, the book is in need of an intensive restoration, after which , I will release copies for the world to read, enjoy and fear.  Your fears will propel my powers to the next level and possibly harm the reader.  I don’t really want this to happen, but then again it is the survival of the fittest, and I think you will agree that I am very fit.

I have been hearing the voice of ‘Simply’ Gary a lot lately.  Perhaps it is the result of me disturbing his resting place.  I retrieved his remains and have them in my garden in a blue plastic bin.  He has lost a substantial amount of weight since I last saw him, and there are parts of him that look a bit ‘classic zombie’.  Sure he will eventually see sense once he comes around.

My time online is becoming increasingly sporadic.  I need to remain focused.  If I am to be successful with what it is that I am doing, to fix my world, I need the puzzle to be adjusted.  By cheating and placing the pieces in a different order, I should be one step ahead.  Perhaps the end will not come in on 16.08.2020.  Perhaps the date will go by and I will be ok.

Zelda
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Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Expendables 3 – review

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house.  Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Arnie, he likes to just host parties in his house. Sometimes he goes fucking apeshit and starts hitting people for NO reason though.

Expendables 3 surprised me by being such a deep,  riveting,  well executed piece of celluloid art.  This extraordinary film opens with Stalone,  Cockney and ?, rescuing Wesley Snipes from a train for some reason.  Fucking guns are going off all over the place,  like a geriatric shitting out sweet corn.

Throughout the scene I don’t have a bloody clue what Stalone and Cockney are saying.  In fact,  I am certain that they were talking in Braille. Either way,  these two seem to understand each other perfectly and love each other like a newly married couple.

Snipes,  rescued via Stalone’s chopper,  goes fucking bananas and jumps from the flying vehicle and onto the very train he was trapped on.  He stabs some people in the belly and forehead,  and then makes the train go SUPER fast. It ploughs into a place full of bad guys and also the place where Snipes’ captor hangs out.  BANG!!  fucking place blows up,  but this ain’t no ordinary explosion,  no,  this is an Expendables explosion that lasts fifteen minutes.  Meanwhile,  as the continent explodes,  Snipes and his rescuers all fly off just in time.

Stalone here.  He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures.  Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Stalone here. He looks like he is smiling but he is having multiple seizures. Shortly after this picture he was rushed into intensive care.

Suddenly,  SPOOOOSH, the Expendables meet with Indiana Jones instead of John McClain.  He is shocked to learn that Mel Gibson is alive and well and being more racist than ever. Indiana tells Stalone that he must capture Gibson and bring him in for saying that he hates anyone or anything darker than an Albino ghost,  the whitest thing you could EVER  imagine.

During a gun fight earlier,  giant black guy from Everybody Hates Chris gets shot and the result is a well-earned comaStalone feels terrible,  tells his buddies to fuck off, and,  with the help of Sideshow Bob, goes and gets a bunch of fresh faced nobodies.  There’s girl fighter,  man,  knife boy and someone else.  I don’t care.  They get captured by Mel Gibson IMMEDIATELY and Stalone begins to scream. It’s imperative to note here that Stalone’s hair fluctuates in grayness throughout the movie, but even more at this juncture.

Stalone goes on a rescue mission and his old buddies are waiting.  Desperado has joined them too!  So now we have Arnie,  Desperado,  Jet Li,  Lundgren,  Indiana Jones,  Stalone, ?,  Cockney and Snipes!  ALL  of them off to capture Mel Gibson.  The film ends with over an hour of things blowing up in a factory,  Stalone groaning NO  screen time for Lundgren,  NO  karate from Jet Li,  Cockney being bald, ?  wearing a hat, Indiana putting on THE  most fucking wooden performance I have ever seen,  Arnie having the worst plastic surgeon in the world and Mel Gibson being shot by Stalone,  who talked in reverse burps.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

Cockney here, or Statham to the ladies, he likes to yo-yo diet, yo-yo age, and will probably die early if he keeps dicking around like this.

The movie was an example of what can go wrong if you have too much money,  no talent and can get your hands on enough explosives to solve all of the issues that are going on in these foreign countries. Fantastic.

I give this film a 3 out of 8.4

Watch this movie if you like:

  • Cockney being all cockney
  • Hair that changes colour
  • Terrifying fuck ups with plastic surgery
  • Mel Gibson only getting six lines
  • Inexplicable amounts of killing but with shedding a drop of blood
  • No lens flare
  • So much man meat on screen that you can taste the body odour

Now that you have read this review, help yourself to free copies of my books.  There is a link somewhere on this site.

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The difficult third book and where next for this masked creature

picsay-1403991698A few weeks ago I launched a pre-order of my latest book Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? It was my most successful release yet and my most perfectly formed book so far.  The formatting, the images, the cover, the concept, it took many years to put together, and was about half completed waaaaaay before my 2012 book release Absurd Agonies.
Now, here I drafting up the plan for my next book and, for the first time in my writing career, I am worried.  I set the bar bloody high with tea and have thrown down a gauntlet at my own beautiful feet.

“Where are you going with your next book, Zelda?” said you, the reader.

I am restoring a book that was banned in my world but appears to be non-existent here.  I am unable to retrieve the book and so I need to re-write from memory and experience the words once again.  That book is my book of Conspiracies, Ghost, Cryptids, UFOs and the Paranormal.

What makes this book different to other books in this sort of category is that, first and foremost, it will be written in my delightful fucking style.  Secondly, I am going to try and incorporate as much modern folklore and stories as possible.  Too many books of the ‘unexplained’ keep regurgitating the SAME fucking stories time and time again.  Sure, I will talk about Roswell, and Bigfoot, and The Moon landings, but I will also talk about Slenderman, Dulce, and Reptoids.   The other thing that I will also do is quite openly debunk or ridicule any of the stories that I find bloody stupid.

My aim for the  finished book, tentatively titled Zelda’s Encylopedia AbsurdicaBloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is for it to be a fun read that educates those that are into this sort of material, something fun for those that are not, whilst providing a gateway to further investigation of this absurdness.  Ever the intrusive author, I will also pop up throughout with my own thoughts, experiences and takes on what I have been writing about.

As ever, I will be looking for input from my friends and followers, but I will commit to this when I am sure what I am doing.

Over the past couple of days I drafted up a list of over 250 article headings…. Perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew… The finished book was banned in my home time.  Let’s see what happens here and now.

Zelda’s Encylopedia Absurdica - Bloody Monsters, freakin‘ Aliens, stinkin‘ ghosts, God damn UFO’s, queer conspiracies and the rest, is scheduled for release in 2016.

In other news, my reviews are back.  I will do this on and off for the rest of the year and gladly accept suggestions of any movies or albums you want me to write about.

Mondo Hotdogs, the follow-up to Tomatoes was started recently, but due to some technical equipment breaking I have had to put that on hold for at least a month.

Until next time….

Zelda
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#BeAbsurd #UnHerd #TEaVIL

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Last Action Hero – Review

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Arnie, the racist bastard!

Ten year old (maybe older,  I dunno) Danny Madigen fucking loves Arnie movies,  especially the Jack Slater series.   Danny’s mum doesn’t give a fuck that her son is watching Arnie stab,  gut, fuck,  shoot and maim his way through countless bad guys.  In fact,  she is hardly home to give a shit anyway.  Even when the kid is handcuffed to a sink and raped by a robber,  Danny’s mum tells him off and goes back to her job at a local strip joint.

Due to the resentment of his mother,  Danny is quickly taken in by an elderly gentleman,  who owns a cinema.  He let’s Danny in to watch movies for NOTHING  and is aware that he is missing time in school.

One day, after the rape,  Danny goes to see his old pal because this guy has promised Danny that he can see the latest Jack Slater movie BEFORE  general release.  When Danny gets to the cinema,  the old guy is dressed up as a bell boy for NO reason at all!  The elderly gent then gives Danny a magic ticket, tells him how valuable and special it is and rips the ticket in two.  Fucking idiot.

Danny settles down to watch the movie and suddenly starts tripping balls.  He appears in the fucking movie!  Danny then proceeds to bare witness to murder and death,  and it doesn’t faze him in the slightest.  In fact, he springs a non-reluctant boner!

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie's gun.

Danny pops another boner at the sight of Arnie’s gun.

Due to Danny seeing the start of the movie, he got to see Charlie Dance,  shoot a guy through the fucking head.  Charlie works for the Dolmeo man,  who Charlie shoots later in the movie.  Double crossing cunt!  Danny tells Jack Slater about Charlie and Charlie overhears the little bastard.

Charlie finds the magic ticket that transported Danny into the film world and uses it to cross into the real world where he then goes and gets the film character who killed Jack Slater’s son.  BAM, fucking Jack comes bursting through with Danny into the real world and he immediately begins to feel weak and woozy due to chemtrails in the air.  He chases Charlie and the bad-un who killed his son, and shoots both of them in the liver.

Danny is all excited and fucking whooping like it’s New Year’s Eve.   He even laps at the dead men’s bullet holes.  Then a strange mist descends on Danny.  He rubs his eyes.  When he opens them he finds himself in the cinema,  hogtied.  The old man smiles and whispers to Danny,  “what made that ticket so fucking magical was the amount of fucking acid that was impregnated into it.”

Danny screams and the old man starts whistling like a kettle before popping.  The screen fades to black, fades back in with the words 10 years later.  We see Danny’s rotten corpse, still hogtied, only now it is being sniffed by a rodent.

Watch this movie if you like:

*Irresponsible parents.
*Widowed mothers.
*Arnie getting randy over classical music.
*A film where the ticket isn’t needed to go into the ‘real world’ after the bad guy uses it.
*Arnie being unable to act as himself but fine as a fictional character.
*A dead body doing a fluff.
*Shit cameos.

I give this movie a rubber baby buggy bumper out of I’ll be back.

Rod - having his breakfast and planning his next.

Rod Wescombe the review

Rod - having his breakfast and planning his next.

Rod – having his breakfast and planning his next.

Imagine waking up with a moustache.  Not just any sort of moustache.  No way.  No, I am talking of a moustache that has seen stuff, been there, got the fucking T-shirt and Ltd edition box set.  A moustache that holds stories that would chill you to the bone or perhaps make you want to rip out your own eyes and chuck them up a goat.
Rod Wescombe owns such a moustache.  And what’s more, he tamed the beast and taught it respect, and through a symbiotic relationship, the two have been there for each other through everything that life has thrown at them.  But that ain’t why I am writing about this sexy-son-of-a-beach.  I am here to review this bloke’s music.

Rod was stuck in this pose for a month!

Rod was stuck in this pose for a month!

I met Rod via Fakebook and found the guy intriguing.  Singing cover songs, and always wearing a grin on his chiselled man-face, he managed to lift my spirits.  Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the world and everything about it, but Rod stuck out as being a diamond in the shit.  “This guy is not taking life seriously,” I thought, and I respected him for this.  Nobody should take their life too seriously because, unless you are like me, you will become food for worms, or a pile of ashes thrown into a river, child’s face or mixed with horse meat and fed to a cat.  When this time comes for Rod, he will still have that grin.
Again, I ain’t here to talk about Rod’s unavoidable and eventual death, whenever that may be.  Let’s talk about the musical portions that this hunky-bugger likes to eject.

Rod has a YouTube channel where he has been uploading all manner of songs that he has “ReVoCaLeD” but you will not find any dance, trance, happy hardcore, electro or Finnish-satanic-black-industrial-goth-vampiric-grind-necro-death-metal there.  No, siree-Bob.  What your ears shall be blessed with is a mix of classic, old school REAL music.  And by real music I mean plenty of rock-n-roll, man!  The sort of thing that you put on when sipping on a cold bottle of beer, watching the sunset (or rise) and just live for the moment.  And that is what you really drink in from Rod.  His frisky soul.  It’s there in the voice of his.  A voice that has seen it all and been to hell and back and will continue to do battle with all that is glum, gloomy and sad.  Rod wants fun and he wants you to immerse in it too.  He wants you to go to his world.  A world which sees the shit that goes on but wants to remind you that it aint all that bad and that on a planet of war and hate and grief, music can heal multiple ills, bring a smile to your gormless mug and just make you thankful that your chest contains a heart that beats.

Rod hunts and kills his own food with a soup spoon.

Rod hunts and kills his own food with a soup spoon.

So, if you like your rock, you like the sound of a voice that’s smokier than some smoky bacon in the arse of a dead smoker being cremated then rolled into a cigar and inhaled as deep and as hard as possible, then Rod’s your man.

Some of his highlights are Rocky Mountain Way, Cigarettes and Alcohol, Get It On, Dead Flowers, and Sometimes We Cry

I give Rod a firm but meaty Seven whiskeys out of a potential five… And he is a smashing fella.

Now go check out his fucking YouTube Channel binäre optionen 2 minuten strategie here

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First update of 2014 – Want to know what is coming up!?

PicsArt_1387062600885_Tony_Syrma_PinstripeIt’s been a while to say the least, hasn’t it my absurd friend, follower and worshipper.

Over the many months I have been off and about working and helping on a few other projects and things that have required the chunkiest of my attentions.  It’s all been worth it and some amazing stuff has come out of it, one of which being a book that may or may not be set in the place that I am from, visit and will go to… more about that can be found here

What’s going on – Website?

A few little things coming up on the website over 2014.

The return of my reviews.  I have two to start with but I ain’t be committing to no fucking timeframe of when those first reviews begin.  I reckon about March time though.  Something like that.
I have plenty of things to review, including the rest of the Harry Potter reviews that I started back in 2012, but will probably ask for review suggestions from you lot now and again.

‘Who do you want to see dead?’ is a new section that I am thinking about.  I will give you a list of celebrities and you pick which you want to see dead.  I will then portray their demise in a skilful image manipulation.  If anyone mentions ANYTHING about the image actually being genuine and is the result of me travelling through a multiverse and actually killing the person and taking a picture of the corpse is lying.  I could do that if I wanted to though.

Interesting links’ there may be some stuff that I am interested in that, unbelievably, is as interesting as me.  I know – what the fuck?  Stuff like this CAN happen.

Zeldas Absurd Army logoProjects

Last year was a quiet year when it came to Zelda fruits.  There was the amazing short horror film, Tomatoes a Snuff Film that took the world by storm for a three day period.  Still gets views every now and again and there are still questions.  If the film made you laugh then it did the job.  If the film made you uncomfortable then it did the job.  If it made you aroused then it wasn’t what I was aiming for but I am happy that it provided you with either a boner or a wet vagina.

I also released a very limited run of Absurd Images’ a large a4 sized book that contained all of my artwork from the start up until about November/December 2013.  I made the book for myself for my archives but allowed a small number to be built for fans that wanted to complete their collections.  Fucking hell, was that book expensive?  But it was as cheap as I could make it as the cunts at Lulu are a bit top heavy when it comes to their expected cut of the funds.   You reading this are a fan, and in being a fan I am going to share a link with you so that you may also purchase a copy of this very expensive book if you want…. Here

picsay-1386077888This year finally sees the release of ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? – and other stuff’ Yep, the title has been adjusted ever so slightly to cover the fact that the book covers a number of other possible side effects from the existence and ingestion of that most evil liquid, tea.  CTRMYI? is fantastic, if I do say so myself.  The first version was completed back in the middle of 2013 but needed a huge amount of rewriting, adjusting and generally fucking polishing up.  I hate this part of writing and so I just put the rough copy onto a number of safe locations and forgot all about it.  Until now.  A few weeks ago I began to work through the material.  There is much that needs to be removed, or at least shifted to the end of the book as a ‘bonus material’.  There will only be one version of this book.  No dicking around with special editions or any of that crap.  One version of a very offensive, funny, and fucked up book!  Packed with celebrity stories, historical stories, facts and a bucket load of swearing, ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisibile?  and other stuff’ is something to begin slapping your husband/wife about for.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten, all of those that suggested celebrities to be in the book will have their name stuck in the thanks section!  You lucky fucks!

picsay-1391339065Recently, I posted a message about a book called Smoke and stated that I would get this out before CTRMYI? but after I began prepping this for release it dawned on me that I was wasting valuable editing time that SHOULD be getting ejaculated into CTRMYI? and so, after asking YOU what YOU wanted then Smoke has now been put on the back burner.
The proof read process for CTRMYI? will take a long time as my friend Jake will have much to read through, during this time I will finish Smoke and so it is possible that this book will be released first.

What is Smoke, Zelda?

It’s shit is what it is… but REALLY funny shit.  I wrote this back in the 90s, during my first stabs at both writing and being hilarious!  I wrote a series of really stupid stories , printed them and gave them to early Absurd Army members.  Oh, how they laughed.  And frowned.
Smoke is the first of a series of books that fall into what I call the Absurd Fiction range, a collection of books that are both old and new but are ultimately pure fucking filth, absurdness and generally not worth the paper they are printed on.  I would compare them to a Machette 2 or Violent Shit 3, they are fun if you are into that sort of thing… and I am.

Yeah, whatever, but you haven’t told us what Smoke actually is

picsay-1391339736_Aladin_Subtle_TinyFuck off cunt, I am getting to it.  Smoke is about an alien that comes to Earth to fight off an alien parasite that only affects old people.  This parasite makes old people go fucking nuts and just violently attack EVERYTHING!  There is blood, guts, aliens, possession and a whole load of non-sensicalness.   I am going to sell it as cheap as possible, it’s about 50 pages or something and don’t want to make any money from it.  I will perhaps even make the digital version available for free on this website.

There will be other books to look out for in the Absurd Fiction series and I will let you know when you can get these.

Mondo Hotdogs the next short film coming from my creative nuggets.  I have most of the footage gathered for this film but will need to re-shoot a few things to coincide with a slight image change of yours truly.  Without going into too much detail, I may have acquired a way to have eyes but I am still unable to get most of the blood stains from my hair and gloves.
Mondo Hotdogs is similar to Tomatoes in that it is food based.  Other than that, this film is another that will be different for every person that watches it.  Your mood will, your experiences and your interests will all play a part on your perception.  It’s going to be sick and sick, and will be popping into your fucking eyes at some stage in 2014.

picsay-1390499989#BeAbsurd  – when I say this I am trying to remind you to be different, be you, welcome the absurdness, and individuality.  There are far too many out there that want to be different by merely falling into another bracket, a pretentious cage filled with soup boxes and views.  It is fine to have a view if it is your own but never vent your spleen for the ‘likes’ and the popularity.  Those mean nothing.
Enjoy yourself and do not give one fuck what others think of you.  If you are sad, tell people you are sad.  If you are happy, tell people you are happy.  If you think someone is a dick, tell them they are a dick.

Look after yourself.  Be who you are.  You are amazing.  The chances of you being in existence are beyond comprehension.  One day you will die.  It is a promise.  Before then, embrace yourself and be the best human you WANT to be.   #BeAbsurd

I love you and your parents… I WILL put an index finger in your dad.

PicsArt_1389267222252_Tony_Kryptonite_PinstripeZelda
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Mondo, Review, Tea, Where?

picsay-1382766193_Anne_Soft_CrackAh, there you are you pathetic but beautiful people or person.  Times are’a changin’ oh yes they are.  My energy and time has been spread so thin that the grand scheme of things has slipped from my grasp and, as time goes on, the impending promise of an end in 2020 is actually, potentially, sickeningly, perhaps a stretch at best.

The truth of the matter is that I am tired.  I am up to my elbows in a bakery of pies and each is so rich and textured that I am unsure which one to eat.  The problem I have, and stick with me my confused reader, is that I have many ideas, many plans and an end.  There will be an end to my story.  A hint of which is in my next book ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’  I will not stop.  No.  I will move on.  I came from a place out of reach (without aid and a book) and I will return to it.  If you can be bothered, explore and you will find out where I am from.  If you can’t then it matters little to me or the people.

like it The Ltd book – Absurd Images - Vol 1

That went within a day.  It was very good for my ego and the owners of the book will also be blessed with a piece of artwork that only four or five others on the whole planet will be in possession of.  You had your chance.

25 dating 35 Mondo Hotdogs or tomatoes part 2

My computer broke recently causing me to lose all of the rough versions and footage gathered for this sick masterpiece.  I acquired more footage this week and will be shooting the scenes featuring yours truly  over the next week or something.  The film will make Tomatoes look like a duck kiss.

mujer busca hombre rep dom picsay-1382611008Ltd Tomatoes snuff film book and dvd rencontre 100pour100 gratuite

I recently discovered the unfiltered version of the film, along with a few experimental things that I did.  This will be included with the finished version of the film on a DVDr that will be stuck into a book.  There will be 10 copies of this printed with all profit made going to my charity ‘go fuck yourself I am keeping your money.’  I am honest.  Then again, I might not be able to get the dvd to go the way I want it and this will not happen.

site Film reviews and other reviews and reviews

I used to write reviews all the time, two a week in fact, well time is not on my side for that sort of shit but it will be soon.  I offered out an opportunity for people to submit suggestions but due to my waning popularity on Facebook I was only offered about three suggested review subjects and topics and humans.  I will not be perturbed.  Sheep fall into the trap of conventional emotions.  I took the lack of support as a positive thing. I took it as a mark of respect and that you didn’t want to disturb me further.  For this consideration I am thanking at you.

Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?

Tea is done.  The first and rough slab, that is.  All of the text is there.  A 400 page manuscript of offense and horror and comedy and weirdness.  I am on schedule.  I am on track.

Where do I go from here?

I have three more ‘big’ books planned after Tea – A conspiracy book, a ghost book, and then my memoirs/journals and biography with the final sequence being a film of my unmasking.

As always, I am thankful to those that have come on this trip with me.  I am here less and less but that can only be a good thing.  I am YOUR little secret.  I am your treasure.  Look after me and stick with me and I promise you fun and laughter and horror and offense.

Zelda
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