Twilight – review
Grrr!!! Fucking Vampire!!! RAAAAR!!!! Here I am, I am gonna fucking kill you!!!! I am about to pick out your urethra and thread it through your sodding nipples, and wear it like a neck ornament!!! I am an undead, soulless creature, primed to kill and slash people to pieces and eat their mother-fucking blood!!!! Taking your husbands ribs, I am going to impale all of your children and slow roast them with some rosemary and a cranberry sauce!!
I am a vampire and that shit is what I do.
Not in twilight though. Nah, I am gonna prance about and kiss my deformed, depressed, dickhead of a wench and be all pale and ugly at the same time.
Unbelievable as it may seem, I fell for the Twilight phenomenon back in the day. Not as obsessively as the majority of my female brethren but enough to say that I was ALMOST a fan. The thing that got in the way for me was that I hated everything about Twilight.
I didn’t bother with the books and jumped straight into watching the movie.
The film starts off with a girl named Isabella ‘Bellend’ Stinkers (otherwise known as Bella) and she drags her buckled, warped, distorted head to a town full of inbreds. It’s where her father likes to live and be a police man.
Bella goes to school and watches a bunch of Albino’s called the Cullens as they drift around in slow motion around the school not burning in the sunlight like a vampire should. One day, during biology, Bella sits next to one of the Cullens, an equally as deformed fella named Edward. As soon as his eyes meet her flesh, he pukes, shits and runs from the class crying and being very emotional.
“Oh, I hear that he was once caught filling a duck with batters” says a friend of Bella.
“I don’t care, I just want his balls against my massive bush,” says the Bella, giving her star the all-star treatment.
Nothing happens for ages and then, one day, Bella is in the car park and is nearly run over by a drunk teacher in a van. Edward fucking Ninjas it across the car park and does a power-slam into the side of the van with his fist before running away crying again. Why they couldn’t find a better looking man to play Edward I will never know. Seriously. Mickey Rourke would have been perfect.
Bella rubs the side of the van, a glowing fist imprint pulsing back at her.
“Fucking hell, I would like to feel that fist in me,” she says, her hands in her knickers again. She runs after Edward but he grabs her shoulders, tears splashing down his face, and tells her that he is dangerous and that she should keep away. Bella seems to be getting off on being repeatedly slammed against the wall and she begins to burp erratically. Not erotically.
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella finds a potion in the glove box of her father’s police car. This potion turns out to be coke. And the Coke turns out to be Pepsi. After drinking the potion Bella suddenly realises that Edward is vampire.
“Nice!” shouts Bella, “fucking love vampires and their balls!
Nothing happens for ages and then Bella and Edward get together and fall in love. In a story later on the two end up having a baby! But that is a spoiler. Um… Edward kind of glows and then introduces the pervert to his undead family of dwarves. Ricky, Duncan, Boiler, Scatter, Gugglebints and Liftoff. An internal monologue is played as Bella’s pig-eyes drink in each of the dwarves:
Ricky, – mmm, I want to put milk on his hips…
Duncan – I could grow hay on the back of his fuck sacks…
Boiler – Her boobs are like Lost Highways…
Scatter – I would plug in a wireless adapter and stream ring tones off her afterbirth…
Gugglebints – I want to put a mattress on him, lay on it, and look at Neptune through toilet roll tubes…
Liftoff – I will make you gay, and not in a homosexual way…
This scene goes on for about an hour before some bad vampires turn up. They are not really bad, they are just being ‘proper’ vampires. Vampires that eat human blood and not animal blood like the vampire dwarf family. The sad thing is, however, that they have turned up in an incredibly exciting scene where Bella and the family are playing golf together.
The bad vampires Punk Bella into thinking that her stupid mother is being help hostage and when she turns up to rescue her mum she is immediately captured and kicked in the fucking ugly head! One of the bad vampires bites Bella’s wrist and recoils in disgust.
“Smells like bad vagina!” he shouts.
“Don’t stop biting me!” screams Bella. “I am only just warming up down there!”
The front of Bella’s combats inflate and deflate like hyperactive bellows on some sort of speed type drug.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, and for no reason at all, the Cullens turn up and kill all the bad vampires. Edward sucks the vampire juice from Bella and she begins to dabble. She collapses and is taken to hospital where she has a bone transplant in her abdomen. When Bella goes back to school the following day she dances with Edward and begins to remember her previous life. Her life a policeman named Alex J Murphy….
Then nothing happens.
I am neither here nor their with this movie. I would not watch this in a box with a fox.
Watch twilight if you like:
Nothing happening in a movie until the last 10 minutes
Prancing through a forest
I give this film about 14.three teeth out of 24.nickel
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