Guinea Pig (series) (1&5) – review
Continuing with what I started last week I bring you another two Guinea Pig Movie reviews. If you are too lazy to read the previous two reviews or do not know what the Guinea Pig movies are then fuck you. Stop being lazy. Go here and read the other two reviews! Christ on a bike, what is it with kids today?
As you know, I am doing these reviews in the order that I watched these gorgeous movies all those shitting years ago. Next in the trusty VHS was a terrible copy of….
The Devils Experiment – (Gin? Piggu: Akuma no Jikken) – part 1 of the series
Before I continue, I just want to warn you that I am ill. I feel like shit. I have the female equivalent of man flu and I am writing this with such lethargy and hatred. I would rather be in bed than complete this but I would just lay there sweating and screaming… alone… my loins freezing over like so much old lasagna.
When it comes to wonderful ‘snuff horror’ this is as close as it gets. And, like the version of Flower of Flesh and Blood that I had, this version had NO subtitles and was of such bad quality it felt like I was witnessing something truly awful.
Out of all of the series, The Devils Experiment is the sickest and most ‘pointless’ of them all. The story is that a young woman is kidnapped by some fucking mental blokes who subject her to some graphic torture with the aim of observing the human body’s pain and agony threshold.
Kept in a net that is just hanging from some trees, the woman is kicked and beaten repeatedly for fucking ages before being returned to her comfortable net. As a gift to her ears she is bound and has sounds played into her ears at a volume louder than six meters! She basically starts to juice at the mouth at this point. Probably with hunger. Next her flesh is clamped and twisted on her arm. Boiling water is tipped onto her. Finger nails pulled off… um…Maggots and or worms are put on her before the fucking graphic and one of the most difficult to watch scenes ever is directed into us… a needle is pushed through her flesh just under her eye… it is continuously pushed until blood begins to flow from around her eyeball, eventually the needle exits THROUGH her eyeball.
When I first saw this I was shocked and starving. I ate pickled onions.
Although not as graphic when it comes to gore, this film is at a level of shock which set the bar very high for the first part of the series. This sick fucking bar is never topped with ANY of the other episodes of the series.
I give this fucker 12 hands full of sloppy guts out of 13. It’s NASTY shit.
Here is the trailer for the film… pretty much shows the ‘money shot’
WARNING REALLY GRAPHIC AND PROBABLY TOO GRAPHIC IF YOU ARE REALLY INTO CHURCH!!!!!
He Never Dies – (Gin? Piggu: Senritsu! Shinanai otoko) – part 5 of the series
After watching the Devils Experiment I felt a little odd. Among the tapes that had arrived with the series of Guinea Pig movies was ‘The making of’. I was tempted to watch this just to see how the effects were achieved as these movies were before the days of CGI or Play Dough, and I wanted to set my cracked mind at ease that I hadn’t seen a real snuff movie.
Instead of the making of video I went right onto He Never Dies, expecting to see another torture movies but featuring a pointless man for once! My fingers crossed, then double crossed in anticipation of seeing some scrotal destruction. Anubis was out that day.
He Never Dies is a comedy. Yep, a fucking comedy! No subtitles here and, unlike the other two movies, they were really needed for this one to really get any sense out of what the fuck was going on.
A man who hates life cuts himself. Nothing happens. He bleeds but he doesn’t die! He cuts his hand off and… nope, still having a great time. I think he hates his life because his girlfriend left him, or because his balls are stolen and made into tiny little bean bags for Japanese field mice. It was either one of them that pushed him over the edge. The tiny edge.
The immortal bloke realises that Christopher Lambert is going to kill him eventually so invites a bloke from work to his house. The bloke, Rick, is only too happy to be invited to The Immortals house but when he gets there he gets some guts chucked at him. The Immortal has stuck a ruler in his own head and then goes and stands by a wall before pulling all of his own guts out. He somehow cuts his own head off and jokes and sings from a table. With his head being chopped off and him still being alive Christopher Lambert kills himself.
I am surprised that this has not been picked up for a remake by Welsh people.
I give this film a suicide attempt out of life.
Watch these bastard-fests with your mum and children if you like:
Kidnapped women kept in a net
Women being spun on an office chair until they foam
No pizza delivery
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