Expendables – review
I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two fucking eyes. A movie with so many hunks in it that you could smell the god damn testosterone dripping from their man-shapes. Such a shame that every guy in this fucking film looked like a deformed ankle.
Expendables was originally going to be called Big tough Men do a Shoot but there was already a gay porn film with this title.
This film jumps straight into the action, no messing around. Some bad guys have some hostages in a what I assume was a warehouse. The bad guys have a beard, their skin is not white, and they talk in a language different to American. Instant bad guys! Next thing you know Stallone! Cockney! Lundgren! Black man! Hat man! Jet Li! Fucking Hogan! Bill! Um… ! There are some low rumbles from Stallone and undecipherable cockney dribble from Cockney, otherwise known as Stratham! Then a man gets blown in half, fucking top chunk of his body plumes into the wall. Stallone rumbles again.
A hostage situation breaks out and Stallone kills over 7000 people with a pistol, whilst Stratham uses his throwing knife and kills a meagre 74. Meanwhile, Lundgren is holding a bad guy over the edge of a platform and is about to hang him. Jet Li does a karate chop on him right in the lip and Lundgren goes fucking apeshit.
Stallone, covered in veins, really disgusting thick veins, rumbles towards Mickey Rourke. The two of these completely mechanically reconstructed bitches begin to fuck like a-sexual snails. Slime is dripping, protrusions connect, sap is extracted and re-introduced, and finally the two men roll to the ground rumbling erotically. Stallone then gets a massive tattoo of a dolphin on his back, a dolphin with human emotions. Looking for work, Rourke hooks Stallone up with Bruce Willis who agrees to meet the fella in a church.
“Call me Church,” says Willis when Stallone asks for his name.
“Knock knock!” comes a loud recognisable Austrian voice from the back of the church. But who is this ambling in? An obese retarded Arnold Schwarzenegger, that’s who!
“Oh, you are old!” says Arnold.
And the jokes just role from there. Hilarious! The two muscle-heads rip strips of each other with some of the edgiest comedy I have ever encountered. Check these one liners out:
I think you are so old!
Your appearance is different!
Do you know what day it is?
Your mother and father are ugly.
You are unable to use PayPal!
There is nothing but plastic cups in your house.
There are very faint patches of sweat in your armpits.
Comedy fucking gold!
Arnold walks off leaving Stallone with Willis. Willis threatens Stallone by saying that he and his men will fucking cut Stallone and his men into Cocoons if he doesn’t do what he is told.
Stratham heads home to see his woman and when he gets there she turns up at the door, her mouth covered in sperms. They are crawling all over her face, laying little eggs. He has a Cockney rage and runs off bawling his eyes out.
The next day, Eric Roberts and Angel from Dexter are discussing the plans for a massive cocaine field where they can grow loads of drugs. It’s a glorious plan with water features and an area for families to pick their own cocaine. Heaven. Well, it is for druggies anyway. I personally despise drugs. I have seen many of my friends fall into drug fuelled rages where they have gone on a shoe buying spree, crippling economies due to money-loans just for bags. Drugs are bad.
Stallone and Stratham head to the very island where we saw Eric and Angel. They have gone to the island pretending to be bird photographers or something. It was a pointless part of the film. They meet their contact, a Mexican ninja woman, and then she leads them to a compound area full of wrestlers. Stallone rumbles like fucking mad just as a bunch of bearded ethnics turn up. Between Stallone and Stratham, they murder a whole continent of people in about half a minute, feeling NO remorse at all. If anything they appear to be aroused to the point of climaxation. The Mexican ninja woman starts screaming and is dragged towards the plane that Stallone and Stratham used to get to the island. At the last minute she escapes.
Stallone, so fucking angry at his gripless hands (the reason the girl escaped), gets the rest of the boys and flies back to the island. Angel gets shot in the head by Eric Roberts and all hell breaks lose. Stonecold and Hat Man fight like lions in a baseball cap, millions of innocent men, women and children are destroyed by Black Man and his shotgun, there is rape, decapitation, torture, necrophilia, scat, roman showers, snowballing, clots, and felching all in the space of 15 seconds.
In the end everyone dies, Stallone rumbles at the Mexican Ninja woman, and then Stratham does a shit poem.
This film is as good as tepid water. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It just IS.
Watch this film if you like:
Obvious issues with blood pressure
Really soft malleable humans
I give this film sponges out of 15!
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