Childs Play – review
“What is it mummy?” shouts an excited little brat of a child named Andy. His mother, tired after selling her body on the streets, waddling through the door, her vagina a scene of total destruction, not unlike a slab of decaying road kill.
“It isn’t groceries, Andy,” she says, still smiling, despite her vaginal agony. Vagony.
One of my favourite, heart-warming scenes from Childs Play.
Brad Dourif, is on the run desperately looking for a movie where he plays a nice character instead of a freak or bad guy. Hot on his heels is the vampire from the original version of Fright Night. Brad runs into a toy shop (no amulet – important to keep in mind for the later movies) and gets shot like a dickhead. Just before he dies he says a string of random nonsense whilst gripping a Good Guy Doll. A massive play dough beam of lightning strikes the toy shop destroying the whole building, but just adding comedy-style blackness to some of the Good Guy Doll boxes.
The next day, Andy Barclay, an 8 year old little twat of a kid wants a Good Guy Doll. He has the Good Guy Sneakers, the fucking Good Guy Jigsaw, the Good Guy cereal (made from children’s crystallized tears) and now the little son-of-a-whore wants to get an ACTUAL Good Guy Doll. He begs his mother who is desperately trying to scrape money together for clothes and food for herself, but feels compelled to spend every penny she has on her son. This makes no sense to me. Children make NO sense to me.
Andy’s mum, after servicing some homeless guy, manages to get her hands on the upgraded version of the Good Guy Doll. The homeless guy had found it in the wreckage of the toy shop, during a search for plastic food.
“This one has the soul of a serial killer!” screams the homeless guy, as he pulls his soiled trousers back up and hands the doll to Andy’s mother. She dries her lips and runs home crying, not before trying to earn a few more bucks.
Andy is over the moon with the doll that his mum has got him and, as she has managed to scrape together so much money, Andy’s mum treats herself to a night out. Meanwhile, Andy is left with his mum’s friend, Peggatha, who immediately starts throwing popcorn at a fan. Andy, and his doll, who has introduced himself as Chucky got to bed to consummate their boy and doll friendship. Not long after, Peggatha gets smacked in the fucking head with a hammer and goes flying out the apartment window. As Andy and his mum live on the 143rd floor of the apartment, she makes quite a noise when she hits a van on the streets below. The police turn up and start asking Andy what happened because there are Good Guy Sneaker prints around the crime scene and they match Andy’s. They are not his though, they are Chucky’s obviously.
A few days later, Andy’s mum is worried that perhaps the doll is alive and that her son, Andy, is not just retarded and having some sort of early mental breakdown. She picks up the doll opens it’s ass and finds that there are no batteries inside it’s anal cavity.
“I am going to put you in a blender!” she screams.
The doll suddenly turns to play dough and starts kicking it’s legs screaming and calling her a bitch before running off and killing a black man. The same black man who had taught Chucky how he could transfer his soul from his body.
Chucky discovers that if he stays in the doll’s body for too long he will become stuck in that form. Now faced with this sticky situation, Chucky decides to transfer his soul into Andy, and become a shitty little brat. Riding a unicorn, Chucky arrives back at Andy’s apartment and does a massive kung-fu kick on the front door. Nothing happens. Chucky, his face a mix of play dough and cheep special effects, changes his expression ever so slightly before trying again. This time he manages to get in through the door, but not without becoming dependant on painkillers.
Andy gets smacked to the skull with a baseball bat, and when he wakes up, Chucky is on his chest saying magic words. Andy headbuts the doll in the jaw, and picks it up by the throat.
“You fucking cunt! You fucked with the wrong 8 year old! Or should I say, the wrong TRANSFORMER!” It’s Megatron! There is the sound of transformation echoing around the room and Chucky falls backwards into a lit fire as a disgusting mass of bones, veins and muscle drop to the floor in a crude attempt at being a gun.
Andy’s mum runs into the room and sees the mess before choking to death on some afro hair. Chucky bursts into flames and Megatron fires some guts at him to finishing him off. The transformation sound begins again, and Andy is stood looking down at the charred remains of Chucky. Only Andy is looking fucking well messed up. The transition into a human wasn’t easy for Megatron in the first place, but transforming into a gun fucked him up further. In absolute agony, Andy begins to scream before running ‘hulk-style’ through the streets, leaving bloody footprints everywhere!
After watching Child’s play I felt compelled to try to kill a child, not before dripping my soul into a doll. Amazing how influential this movie is. Since this film has been released it has been the cause of nearly EVERY single MURDER in the whole world! Even that Middle East stuff.
I fucking love this film!
Watch it if you like:
Good Guy branded goods
Hobos without shotguns
Killings with a hammer
Terrible child actors
Midgets being dolls
ALOT of ginger hair
A man being a doll that wants to enter a boy
I give this foamy film a 32 out of inches!
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