Cannibal Holocaust – review
If things were not going right for me in my current career, one of the other careers that I always considered was being a cannibal. Chewing on some faces, cutting heads. Luring a nice, buff, bewildered guy back to my pad and then just gnawing on their elbow or shin as they kiss the underside of my boobies! That’s some hot erotic shit!
Talking of hot erotic shit and cannibals… Now, this movie is another one of those movies that I managed to get back in the heyday of video nasties and the UK being protected by video watchdog organisations. I was so excited the day the video arrived. The kind fella that sent it to me also added a copy of Cannibal Ferox too! It was such a great day of rape, animal killings and total cock cutting action it remains in my fond sack (located in the area I am sure I should have some sort of eye, or nose) forever!
The first thing that jumps out about this touching Disney classic is the music at the start. Nice and dreamy with an aerial shot of a big fucking wood… or forest… rain forest? I dunno, but there are fucking trees everywhere and some rivers. Some bloke is leading a rescue team to a remote wooded area in the hope of finding some missing documentary film makers that vanished half an hour earlier.
“I wonder where they are?” says the man leading the expedition.
“I don’t know,” says the other man.
“Hope they haven’t been killed by cannibals,” says the man leading the expedition.
“That would be frightful,” says the other man.
The man leading the expedition gets his cock out and jumps into a river. As a result, the cannibal tribe accept him as one of their own. As a reward he is taken to an area which has a beautiful shrine in it and a pile of bones. American bones! The fucking bones of the missing documentary film makers!!! The guy swaps a tape recorded for reels of film that the cannibal tribe are holding and he quickly flaps his arms all the way back to the town of America. Not before he eats part of a humans eye socket as part of a ritual. Once he has gone, the tribe all start blogging about the day’s events.
A white guy came and left us with a tape recorder, begins one blog entry for the chief of the tribe. He took his penis out and went in a river. One of the other members of the tribe touched it. I think I will get a McDonalds breakfast tomorrow. Double sausage and egg McDuffie.
The movie gets real interesting from now on as we get to see the footage that was shot by the documentary guys. First up a massive turtle, huge fucking thing, is cracked open like a pie, it’s head chopped off along with its legs and anything else that moves. And it’s for real. Not even a play dough animal! And this is what pissed a lot of people off. The animal deaths. The same pissed off people would be chomping on bit of dead pig in a bit of bread, or a fucking turtle on a twig. To me these people complaining are just jealous of the animals fame from starring in such a notorious film. Dicks.
Pedro… the documentary teams guide goes and get’s himself poisoned in the legs and armpits by a tiny little snake. A team of medical professional midgets run in and just chop the fuck out of his leg and throw it at a tree. Pedro dies. The team then trap a bunch of cannibals in a hut and then burn it to the ground, all the while filming this for their project.
As a special treat for their hard work, the male members of the documentary team decide to rape a tribes girl. She is not impressed with this, nor is the female member of the documentary team.
“Hey, stop that!” says the tribes girl.
“Nearly done,” says the man.
Then as a special treat for the tribes girl they impale her… although we don’t see this happen, we just see her impaled with the spike going up her butt and coming out of her mouth.
One of the documentary makers then gets caught by the tribe and is hacked apart. His body, just before the hacking, becoming a large flesh coloured cube, almost play dough-like in it’s consistency. His cockle is also slashed off and used as a piercing for one of the excited cannibals. The female documentary maker gets raped and her head is slashed off. Then the other documentary bloke gets killed.
The whole thing is broadcast to the world a few days later but under the title – The day it all went wrong for the documentary makers who went and saw some cannibals or something.
The film ends with a blog entry from the chief stating – They all laughed at me when I asked for a McDuffie. I am going to go there tomorrow and eat their stupid chav fucking faces!
A great film and often looked at as the ORIGINAL Blair Witch… although, these days, everyone is more likely to have seen Paranormal Activity – not Blair Witch – and would quote Cannibal Holocaust as being the original Paranormal Activity. I actually see it as the original Lady and the Tramp.
Watch this film if you really like:
Monkeys getting their head smashed open
People being decapitated
Some funky fucking toooons!
I give this movie a kick to a pig and a two shootings to its body!
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