Nightbreed – review
Booone!!!!! Shouts Dirk Lylesberg a strange looking fella with rows of eyes cascading down his cheeks like dirty lighthouse windows. If he were to cry, the eyes at the top would be triumphant in filling the lower levelled eyes with the tears. This is terrible, as these lower level eyes would have already enough to contend with with their own fucking tears. Fuck you top level eyes. Bastards!
Nightbreed, a bit of a cult movie and a firm favourite of mine. I found out about this movie from my copies of Commodore Format, a porno mag filled with pictures of Commodore 64 games and a naked Lionel Richie. There was an article on a computer game version of Nightbreed, along with pictures of the monsters that were going to be in it. The moment I saw the fat fucker of a creature, with it’s head in the middle of it’s body, and it’s grumpy face, I fell in love. My heart was fluttering in a manner which reminded me of a father’s head desperately bobbing for apples in the vain attempt of saving their family from being milked and treated like cows by criminals.
Boone, a man with impeccable hair, shitty brown eyes and a jaw the size of a fucking draw bridge, is convinced he is killing people. He keeps having shitty nightmares where he is crazy-mad-evil, but it aint him. Nope, it is his psychiatrist, Decker, that is doing the killing. Decker hates people because his penis is so small. To help Boone along with the story of Nightbreed, Decker gives him some hallucinogenic. Next thing we know, Boone is cruising the streets in holding rusty handles, screaming at the shadow his foot casts, and pissing on windows. ANY window satisfies his wee-wee lust. Then he gets fucking smacked by a bus, goes to hospital, meets a guy who cuts his own freakin scalp off and heads off in search of a magical place called Midian.
Midian is full of monsters. Bloody loads of the twats! EVERYWHERE. Boone gets chased by some pink, lobster-lion-man called Peloquin and a moon-headed fella named Kinski. Peloquin chews Boone’s shoulder, sucking it and putting a thumb up Boone’s anus at the same time.
“Meat for the beast?” says Peloquin. “Beast for the meat?”
Avoiding the awkward thumbing scenario from developing further, Boone runs off, out of Midian but then gets shot to fuck by loads of police. God damn Decker had told the cops that he was sure he saw Boone take a gun out of his socks, but it was his mistake. Boone is dead… Or is he? Well? NO! Boone, runs out of the morgue and heads back to Midian where he is now accepted as a monster. Everyone starts dancing and gyrating. Glow sticks are pulled out, sparklers are spun around like gay magic wands and much beer is downed. Everything is looking great but then Decker turns up with a bunch of police and rednecks.
“I am scared!” say all of the Nightbreed, even though they have powers!
“We can do this!” shouts Boone, his face now covered in lines, his anger levels increased slightly, meaning that he is a bit stronger.
A bunch of monsters called Berserkers are released, who go on to rip the heads off some policemen and a few fucking rednecks. I love rednecks.
“ARGH! My delightful skull!” shouts one of the men as he is literally pulped to the point you don’t know where he ends and the ground begins.
“BOOOONE!!!!” Shouts Lylesberg, but then dies.
EVERYTHING in Midian gets destroyed, leaving fuck all. Most of the monsters are dead so they all go to live in a barn.
A fantastic dark fairytale, perfect for when you get a person into your crib for some love. Can someone tell me what that feels like?
Blue men with snakes coming out of their belly
Families being stabbed by a mask wearing lunatic
Playdough flying with sharp teeth
A film that ends with a barn
Priests getting their hair burnt off
The one thing that does come across with this movie is that it is a bit choppy, and the reason for this is that over an hour of cool shit was cut out of it. There is a cluster of fans, such as myself, that desperately want to see a full version of this movie. Do you want to see a full Barker mix of this movie? Click HERE and sign the petition!! Head to Occupy Midian and join them too!!
I give this 5 of Lylesberg’s eyes out of 6 of Lylesberg’s eyes.
Did this make you smile, or laugh, or angry? Well, come and Facebook at me: Absurd Agonies where you will get details on site updates and be the first to know about freebies, reviews, news and other Absurd Agonies stuff!!
Twitterise me! – @aazelda
Email at me: – firstname.lastname@example.org